Why I’m running for president

In December 2017, the people of Butembe in Jinja were so angry with their representative to Parliament for going against their will in voting for lifting of the presidential age limit. I rowed that same boat of disappointment.
For a while, I have contemplated unseating Nelson Lufafa for playing us on the cheap, but I have since decided that the root cause wasn’t Lufafa but the Executive.

I will right all these wrongs from the top. Don’t worry, my fiscal tools are in gear and I had a national ID long before Mao bought all the champagne in the country to celebrate receiving one.
Now, the media is very fond of asking presidential hopefuls to name the things they will do in their first 100 days in office. They even count the days when you take office, assessing what you have achieved and how.
Of course, I’m going to defeat Museveni. He will focus on Besigye, Bobi Wine and Kifefe and Kyagulanyi, and then focus some more of Kizza and Robert forgetting that I have a full constituency in Kakira that can overturn even a Kiggundu-organised ‘election’.

I won’t wait for a talk show moderator to ask me these things. My first priority will be to end corruption before our MPs amend the Bible upon receiving petty cash. These guys have amended everything on the Constitution and seeing the way they keep claiming that the son of Kaguta was sent by God, voters should be wary for the day they will seek to have a few verses included in the Holy Book proclaiming Leo as anointed by the Heavens.
During the just-concluded NRM retreat in Kyankwanzi, a source intimated to me that one of the members wanted to propose that Uganda writes own Bible since any chance of adding Leo in a verse in the real Bible would not even pass the gateman at the Vatican.

However, the Woman MP, whose name it’s useless to say here since even she often forgets that she is a legislator because she never talks, couldn’t talk. Wasn’t that too obvious?
Apparently, she gathered herself, swallowed hard and hard. Then when she was about to raise the issue, she forgot what she wanted to say and only remembered during the paka chini dance that the colleague she was dancing with was Beatrice Anywar.
Now, how are the two related? Simple. I will abolish stupidity. Mao says there are too many stupid people around that if it was a crime, jails would be full and if it was taxed, the economy would be Singapore.

So we will have a law on stupidity and appoint Mao the minister of State for National Stupidity. He has experience telling the stupid apart. Just listening to Kivumbi (whose name translates to dust in my language) and Mao concluded the MP was just dust.
We will also tax stupidity. In this effort, Mao will again be crucial. Imagine for 34 effing years we have had a president looking for the formula to make Uganda Singapore by saying the same thing, 1986, yet the answer was with Mao.
We can’t generate enough taxes leaving us to wallow in debts and poverty that makes us import fortified foods that kill our people. Yet Mao has been sitting on the answer.
We will tax stupidity and end the vicious debt trap and then build Uganda into such a Singapore that even Singapore will use us for a yardstick for transformation.

In my first 100 days in office, my government will also do what this current government has failed to do for 34 years: eliminate graft. Do you know why? Because the hangman at Luzira gets free salary. Even cemetery attendants have more active jobs than that of the hangman.
But on May 12, 2021, when I take office, I will have the ceremony be completed not with military parade and such but by hanging a few corrupt people and sending a strong message that the hangman will have his hands full twice a month.
In fact, we will recruit more hangmen, which will create jobs for the youth and deter them from engaging in criminal activities.

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