The old tale from Nakabango in Jinja goes that Umaru Alideki fell into a deep pit and called for help. His wife answered the distress call and was shaking like a leaf in a storm as she looked down at the heap of helpless man she called husband.
“Mama Ndekeire,” Alideki shouted. “Go and buy a rope from Hajj Yenusu’s shop and help me out of this pit.”
“Daddy, we don’t even have a coin left,” she pleaded.
“There is money but… wait, won’t you steal my money?” he suddenly asked.
“But we need to first save you, if you have the money, please tell me.”
“Woman, I don’t trust you.”
“Daddy, please, the sun is setting.”
“Okay, if you remove my pillow, there is a magazine plastered on the wall, remove it and you will see a hole in the wall. There is money there. But pick only Shs1,000 and run to Hajj Yenusu and buy a tethering rope.”
A few minutes later, a breathless Mama Ndekeire arrived with a rope that she threw down the pit for the man to pull himself out with. But Alideki was curious.
“How come you returned so fast?” he demanded. “Have you been training for Olympics?”
“Daddy, Hajj’s shop is far so I bought this from Ngobi’s,” the woman said.
“Foolish woman! Ngobi’s items are too expensive. You can’t be wasting money like that. Return the rope and get a refund. Go and buy a cheap one from Hajj.”
An old man I know swears by this story, that only the characters have been changed. I don’t know whether to believe such anecdotes and I’m more inclined to believe the rumours doing the rounds in US media that rapper Kanye West plans to settle in Uganda permanently.
According to the stories, Kanye has recently been asking his inner circle to explain who misled the American voters that he had entered the race to become the 46th president of the United States.
He denied calling his in-law Kris Jong-Un, denied saying he had wanted to divorce Kim and also denied apologising for the aforementioned. If you called him to verify the claims that he wants to move to Uganda permanently, Kanye is surely going to deny that too.
So why is he running to Uganda? Apparently, Kanye has arrived at a mental conclusion that his current troubles with the wires in his head are all because he misses Uganda. It’s been nearly two years and that’s too much for him.
He intimated to friends that getting Ugandan citizenship would help him sober up if he lived in Uganda and enjoyed nature.
And that takes us to Umaru Alideki. Such men are called Mukono Gamu (sticky fingers). Or misers. Their money is theirs and they would rather die than spend a coin to buy aspirin.
Kanye, after learning from Jeff Bezos on how costly divorce can be when sharing that hard-earned cake is determined, pleaded for truce and apologised.
Anyway, I had ignored this Kanye story. Isn’t it easier to believe the Umaru Alideki tale than this Kanye talk? I was inclined to hold out for the doubt until I met Eddie Mutwe in Ntinda.
The bouncer, who is so bearded he looks like those biblical drawings, swears that Kanye has been campaigning for the National Unity Party to American voters and that because of scientific elections, it will be easy to transfer his votes to Bobi Wine in 2021.
He said Kanye wants to come and settle here to campaign for Bobi Wine.
“You know what happened with Yvonne [Chaka Chaka]?” he asked. “We don’t want another international celeb deported so we are doing all the legal leg work so that Kanye brings us the votes.”
Meanwhile, we are trying to confirm if Eddie Mutwe spoke to us or we are just making things up in the name of parody.