Anatoli is a name you would most likely find wearing purple cloaks and passing time between the pulpit and sitting under a guava tree to meet idlers. But there is an exception. And it’s special. Anatoli Muleserwa or someone like that. And he is brilliant.
Imagine for years we have been going around bullying Ugandans with threats of compulsory patriotism nonsense when they cannot even appreciate the revival of the national airline many years after saboteurs of the economy ate its gears.
There is this minister who tried to compel every Ugandan to buy a UTL SIM card. She said it would enforce patriotism. Like saying wearing black, yellow and red design makes you patriotic. The last I heard of this minister, she was denying issuing licence to some firm that is growing the magical serrated three-leave plant.
Patriotism lessons don’t work. You can’t teach people to love their mother. It comes naturally like Man United abysmal performance. What we need is physical exercise. It was called PE “back in our days” and used for all sorts of things, including checking how clean one’s underwear was, who had lice and whether Villa was fixing matches to survive relegation.
Today, the thing is not there. Even lower primary teachers don’t know it. The result is that when Stella Nyanzi shouts on social media and gets herself in trouble with the law, no one is physically fit enough to help her cause. Those who supported her while she was writing big words laced with poop realised they were too unfit to launch a sustained demand for her freedom.
She is dying in her own movie. Same story with Bobi Wine now. At one point, it looked like if they arrested Bobi Wine once, Uganda would be turned into Tahrir Square. And then things happened. All we did was exaggerate stuff about his liver damage. And he has been arrested again and again and stopped from holding concerts. All that we do is buy more data to abuse Unai Emery as he winces and grimaces from the Arsenal dugout.
Now assistant commissioner of police Anatoli-something has decided that the reason we are inactive where it matters most is because Uganda is a jungle of physically unfit lumpen. Lumpen because we are so good at keyboard expletives.
Apparently, the only exercise most of us do is lift beer mugs from the table to our mouth and back. Or in bed. This is why I prefer Julian Assange who, even while confined to tiny rooms, took time to physical exercising by skateboarding inside the Ecuadorian embassy – although the “fake news” media of the West are saying he was ensconced in pooplomacy by doodling stuff on the wall using his own dung.
Now, the country is making a lot of progress. Uganda Airlines is back with two bombardier jets idle in the hanger as they await ‘what-next.’ The citizens should be seen to add more value to life than be physically unfit.
Imagine there is a minister who wants loss-making business to be taxed to raise domestic revenue. Why not have a chat with Afande Anatoli on how government can have the ‘Physically Unfit Tax’ slapped on Ugandans?
We have ministers receiving gift donations from the Patrick Hos of this world yet by taxing those who don’t know PE, we would raise so much nobody would even ever realise that taxpayer’s monies are being swindled.
Let’s make PE compulsory and tax those who cannot exercise. I even have a candidate to head the National Physical Exercise Tax Authority. The ED would be that NRM lady who has halved her weight by just thinking of how to ensure NRM MPs unanimously agree to sole candidate of the Leo.