Before you get into a meantime relationship, read this

You are single and ready to mingle. Then one day, you meet this angel-like-guy who checks many of your boxes. Sparks start flying, conversation flow effortlessly and you click. But then there is a catch, he tells you off the bat that he is not looking for something serious. He prefers to date casually.

That's when your mind does the double-take. Should you, or shouldn't you not? I mean it's been a while since you felt this kind of chemistry. If this is so wrong, why does everything about him sound so right? But then, you wonder, why should you get into a relationship that you know is going nowhere? You are in a dilemma.

That my friend is the puzzle at the start of a meantime relationship.

The meantime relationship is that exciting, liberating place where you get to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship without committing to one. The one that begins with both parties telling each other "Let's have fun, I am not looking for anything serious right now."

"Who just dates knowing that the relationship isn't going to go anywhere?" as a reader you may wonder. Truth is, tons of people do. A dipstick survey shows that these relationships where people not looking for a commitment decide to date in the meantime are becoming common. Out of 18 women aged between 24 and 37 surveyed, 14 admitted to being in the meantime relationships either in the past or in the present.

SHORT TERM THRILLS

It's been a long way coming. You just need to google to see the benefits associated with short-term thrills.

"It is something between a friends-with-benefits arrangement and dating," Faith Mwaniki, 32, one of the women surveyed describes her meantime relationship experience.

But while this relationship has been paraded as a great stop-over in readiness for a serious one, they are anything but. They may appear innocent, experts say, but they can cause significant problems.

Like many love affairs, Faith's relationship began with a poem. It was from a colleague. He had just found out about their shared love for the written word and they began emailing back and forth.

"He was very witty and funny and I found myself naked in his apartment one afternoon. This went on for a year and a half. We slept together and spent a lot of time with each other but we did not meet each other's family and friends or put labels on our relationship," she says.

They were both actively growing their career and their employer would never allow them to have a serious relationship, and still both keep their jobs. They agreed at the beginning to just casually date and they did so until the man abruptly announced that he was pursuing a serious relationship with an old 'friend'. One would imagine that you can't get hurt over a man you did not want to keep in the first place but you can.

"I was very hurt. Those 18 months were a waste of time and opportunity. I don't feel like this relationship grew me at all. All those sweet moments were just moments," she says in retrospect.

What could go wrong?

In the beginning, these dalliances seem like harmless fun. Especially, since we are coming from a period where the media, old Disney movies, and the whole society made us believe that our sole purpose in dating is to find the one, your soulmate, Mr. Right. We know this is not the exact way things work out. Most, have rebelled against this notion and in enters the girl-on-the-prowl.

We can all agree that committed relationships are a lot of work. Sometimes you are not looking for a serious commitment and sometimes, you meet someone in the exact place as you.

You enjoy their company, there is genuine affection between you, and you are physically attracted to them. What could be so wrong about dating and having fun with him in the meantime as you prepare for a greater experience, right?

Cathy a 34-year-old Nairobi-based fashion designer asked herself the same question when she agreed to become a meantime girl. The man in question was a friend she had met through a family member. For about five years, she was his woman whenever he was not dating. Eventually, five years proved to be a long time to be the space holder. She also learnt that this arrangement is the perfect breeding ground for jealousy.

"I was the woman he called when he needed quick plus one to a party or when he fought with his 'main' woman. Once, in a drunken stupor, he told me that I would make a great wife for him and this thought stayed with me. I fantasized about it for months."

However, she knew she was not slender or light-skinned like the women he dated, the ones he introduced to his family. She knew this relationship was not getting anywhere.

"I feel very sad when I think about it now. There were times when I turned down men seeking to seriously date me just so I could be single when he broke up with someone," she says.

This relationship though now in her past has gone on to affect subsequent ones.

"It destroyed my self-esteem and lowered my expectations in men. I have been in two relationships since where I have taken a lot of crap. I am currently taking some time off to reset," she says.

In the ethos of dealing with a break-up, the common saying is that the best way to get over one is to get under another one, thus propagating for the limited-frills relationship.

That's how Daisy Amuka, 36, found herself in a lackluster liaison she had two years ago. They were both just coming out of long term live-in arrangements and they agreed that they needed to heal before committing to anything serious. But since they had a lot in common and liked each other, they agreed to date and just see what happens.

They spent time together, laughed, and went partying to celebrate their newfound singledom. In the beginning, she did not expect anything from him. Spending time with him helped her heal from her break up, and then she began having feelings for him. Many feelings, which she says, were terrifying seeing as their relationship still has no labels.

"I knew that this wasn't going to be as easy or innocent I had thought it would be when I realized that while I saw our relationship one way, he saw it the other. I had hope that it would transition into a serious relationship but from his actions, he still saw me as just someone to be with as he waited for the one he would have something serious with," she recalls.

Here lies the problem. As Daisy found out, infatuation is a sneaky little bugger and once it takes hold, all rhyme and reason go out the window. Meantime relationships provide the perfect breeding ground for infatuation to bloom and then before you know it, you're left devastated.

When it was clear that she wanted more from the relationship than he was willing to give, Daisy left. After their break up, her fears were confirmed.

"He got into a serious relationship soon after and got married," she sulks.

How to navigate them

While the intentions of those getting into the meantime relationships are simple, it's clear that things can get complicated and that these relationships can be a source of tears and feelings of rejection just like, if not more than, committed relationships.

But there is still a way to enjoy meantime relationships, experts insist. Iyanla Vanzant- an American New thought spiritual teacher, in her book The Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want makes a case for the meantime relationship.

She writes that for it to be fulfilling, you need to enter it from choice and not from a place of need. The way she sees it, as long as you do not heavily invest in it, you recognise and never lose sight of the fact that it's not going to morph into something more, you can relax and enjoy what could be as fulfilling a relationship as any other. She equates being in a meantime relationship to having a snack while you wait for that dinner you have been craving.

All this would only be fair, of course, if the other party is on the same page. If you opt to go this way, it's important to remember that the meantime relationship can turn into a one-sided or dysfunctional full time one. It's a dangerous game to play.

Signs that yours is a meantime relationship

• Your partner does not meet all your requirements in a partner and is just someone to hang out with and/or have sex with until someone better comes along
• The fact that he is not interested in a relationship is what makes him perfect for you
• There are no titles in your relationship
• When you met, you both agreed that you did not want to be in a relationship
• When you think about your partner, you think of him as someone you are with just for the moment
• You enjoy spending time with him but you can't see yourself raising children or growing old with him
• There is absolutely no talk of the future in your relationship
• You are not integrated with each other's lives
• There is no evidence of this relationship on social media
• You never go out on real dates

You are vulnerable to a meantime relationship if…

• You have a persistent fear of being alone
• You have commitment issues
• You face abandonment issue
• You are part of the boys club. You find it easy to hand around the boys and they find it easy to talk to you
• You take yourself for granted

Tips that might help with the meantime relationship

• Stay digitally unattached.
• Every relationship has rules, stick to them
• Own your relationship status. It's not anyone's business what your relationship titles is.
• If you are spending time, have fun and make your time worthwhile
• Hear him when he says he doesn't want a relationship with you.