Deliver my lunch by 1pm or else you will be sorry for it

A month ago, I was part of the audience at a Rotary meeting in Kampala where a young woman recounted aspects of abuse by her husband. She focused on the psychological and emotional abuse she suffered. She simply hinted at the physical. It was a surreal talk, but delivered with poise at the lunch hour.
The said husband was a biblical scholar — kind of a man of the cloth as well. The young woman, at the time of marriage, was in her early 20s, heading into her final year in engineering at Makerere University.
One of the things Mr Right demanded of our speaker was to deliver lunch at his office not a second later than 1pm daily. The lunch had to be home-cooked by none other than Mrs.

But, remember, Mrs was a finalist university student. She was very busy. Her husband worked somewhere in Kampala’s central business district. Their home, where that delicious lunch meal had to be prepared, was neither close to Makerere nor the CBD. If the food showed up at 1:01pm, Husband Dear rejected it and sent it back home. Of course, that meant bad news for Mrs once Mr was back home.

This is just one element of the bizarre relationship. Let us just say that the man was never satisfied with his wife’s titanic efforts to please him. And so he stopped paying her tuition, which he had promised her family as part of the marriage deal. Now the young woman not only had to cook and deliver lunch on deadline, she had to find money to complete her education.
Inadequacy, or complete lack, of means is one of the elements that exacerbate gender-based violence. A man comes to rescue a family from paying tuition and the family signs off on their daughter’s marriage as quickly as possible.

Long story short, the young woman walked out of the marriage after about two years of hell. It took lots of courage.
It is the season for the world to denounce gender-based violence under the 16 Days of Activism campaign. Why does an adult person beat up another adult person with whom he or she is (reportedly) in love?
One can talk of anger of the moment. Maybe. But there is the larger point: what kind of society creates the environment for generalised abuse to happen?

Societal sanction is as good a regulator of social behaviour and conduct as any legal provision. We know that a substantial number of women and girls suffer physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. But many can’t report to the authorities because of pressure from family, corruption of the police and judicial system, and fear of retribution from perpetrators.

It is worse when the victim is from a poor family. In that case the pressure to keep things hush, say in the event of defilement, in return for a little cash does the trick.
Family honour is restored, the perpetrator moves on to the next victim or even returns to the earlier victim. This transaction leaves in its wake much damage to the victim.

What to do?
The first thing is that victims should have a guarantee that they can report, be taken seriously, be listened to, and that justice can then be delivered after due process.
Second, religious institutions could do more. Various Christian leaders recently signed a public statement committing themselves to fighting gender-based violence. They should translate that into real action. Those in relationships must not abuse their spouses or partners.

The top leaders should issue instructions down the chain of command that preachers should encourage victims to come forward and that they will be taken seriously. And they should also simply preach all the time that abuse of other people, especially the more vulnerable ones, is a sin.
Third, families need to work for all. I have no idea how that should happen, but I know that the way boys and girls are raised, and the way parents behave in front of their children are crucial in shaping how society behaves. Come to think of it, with all the wars we have had since the 1880s, Uganda has had enough violence already. No need for more in any form.