There are a thousand ways to slay the corruption monster. Some quick ones

There are many ways to fight corruption. If you encounter it in a boxing ring, you can circle it, gloved fists at the ready, and keep jabbing while you look for an opening to deliver an upper cut. A jab here at an LC1, a short right there at a secretary; with luck, you could nail an out-of-favour technocrat.
If you find corruption in the streets, or if it tries to jump the queue in a waiting room, you may wrestle it to the ground or just lash out and hope to make contact.

Sometimes, however, you might need to double the fight against corruption. In which case, you take two butter knives and, holding them tightly together, lunge at the monster. Should this course of action prove insufficient, you might be required to bring all stakeholders on board, including the steak knives!

In this scenario you gather your brave relatives, friends and in-laws and prepare them for battle. You could ambush the monster or go full frontal, marching with drawn swords towards it in the dry savannah battlefield. It is possible that the contest is in an enclosed space; say a relatively small office or a kafunda; this would require that you mainstream the fight by dragging or luring the monster out into the street or a sufficiently open area.

Here one always has the option of minimising collateral damage by avoiding war altogether. This could be done by signing a pledge of zero-tolerance to corruption, by which a member of your party with a sufficiently big toe draws a line in the sand and makes it very clear – and in the strongest terms possible – that corruption is not to rear its ugly head beyond that line. Or else!

If at this time the monster is lurking and out of earshot, it might be necessary to send out some foot soldiers along the beach and surrounding areas to check every nook and cranny. They should leave no stone unturned. This war against corruption, it shall be fought on the beaches, it shall be fought on the landing grounds, in the fields, in the streets, in the hills, at the airstrip, and we shall never surrender.

Since all we do we do, not as anyone’s servant, but for our children and grandchildren, and since we are One Nation, Under the Gods, and we promise to act For God and our Country, nothing stops us from, every so often, dedicating the fight against corruption. A national prayer breakfast here and a day of prayer there can ensure that the Good Lord of Abraham, He Who Reigns Over All Procurement and Contracts Committees, is on our side; no weapon formed against us, be it a last-minute rival bid, foreign financial sanctions or offshore convictions, can stop us from prospering.

By this time, many bad people – those enemies of progress and development – might be making snide remarks about a war without end, a battle without progress, a farce of a fight. Despite your firm and unwavering commitment, your vows of abstinence, your declarations of intent, your renewed assurances of highest consideration, they might challenge you to walk the talk. This is the easiest part.
Find a busy working day, preferably towards the end of the year when people are trying to make their annual targets or save their struggling businesses; preferably a wet and rainy morning bang in the middle of the week; without sufficient prior warning or advertised alternative routes, and close off the main thoroughfare through your capital city.

Then walk. Don’t walk sluggishly, with drooped shoulders or sagging pants or same such; walk with purpose and a spring in your step. Those boots were made for walking. Walk like your T-shirt, as white as an incorruptible dove, and made of pure imported cotton, is going out of fashion. Show those naysayers and doomsayers that you mean what you say, say what you mean. Walk the damn catwalk.

Your pesky critics, envious that for them wama they did not even get nice white T-shirts or walk with a marching band, might focus on side-shows, like ensuring traffic jam and gridlock that choke the city for the rest of the day. They might even suggest – sacrilegiously – that you arrest some of your fellow walkers, as if they want you to walk alone next time.
They will be fine. Kasta you have walked. They can fight themselves if they want, but you will not be party to such folly. You are smart enough not to cut the branch on which you sit.

Mr Kalinaki is a journalist and a poor man’s freedom fighter.

[email protected].
Twitter: @Kalinaki.