Turn into the partner you want for yourself first

Thursday June 11 2020

 

By Bradford Kamuntu

A toxic relationship manifests in many shapes or forms, you may very well be living through one and not even know it. Of course there are the more obvious ones such as where there is physical abuse and one or both parties are always nursing injuries but still make the decision to stay.

Then there are the silent ones where people are emotionally and verbally abused, used and manipulated. Based on our society and upbringing, some of us are living and dealing with a toxic partner but stay on the basis of it being normal behaviour or the course relationships are meant to take, which is wrong.
I had to learn why I tolerated certain situations and why I kept making the same choices in partners, in decisions to stay, in decisions to ignore toxic behaviour and live through it as normal. Luckily for me, this happened early on. I had a lot to unpack and unlearn that led me to the considerably whole person I am now.

Toxic relationships are usually characterised by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance and control in the case of the antagonist. But have you ever sat to think why you could be in the position taking all of the abuse in whichever form it is delivered? What could you do to wiggle your way out of this grim situation?

There is a score card, why are you constantly accepting blame for past mistakes, why are you not growing and learning together from them but instead constantly reminded of wrong doing and chastised for it. Could it be because you were brought up in an environment where you were constantly blamed for circumstances and subsequently constantly reminded of those same things in the course of your life? Maybe this led you to think that this is okay.

Some of us are being held hostage by relationships and do not even realise it. We convince ourselves that there is no other person like this, we cannot put to waste the years spent on this relationship, we keep the lines of communication open even when we feel we have had enough and leave room for emotional blackmail and manipulation to happen as opposed to using that time apart to heal.

The truth of the matter (if all the above apply) is that you have somehow been bamboozled into thinking or in the case of some, convinced yourself that repairing and working through a relationship riddled with toxicity is much more fruitful than working on yourself as an individual and ridding yourself of that which holds you back.

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Failure to do this only leaves you in a position of vulnerability, where your toxic ex/toxic relationship remains, you convince yourself that because of a break up a change is going to come and settle back into routine and continue the cycle of abuse. Or even worse, the break up holds and you quickly move on to someone of similar traits and start it all over again
So, if you want to break free from the cycle of toxicity start by distancing yourself from that which has brought you to this place, leave that person. Take time to work on yourself as a human being, turn into the partner you want for yourself first. Use every tool resource available to you to make peace with your past mistakes and deal and overcome all the traumas that led you to being a victim of toxic behaviour and set yourself free.

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