After a breakup, avoid these mistakes

Thursday July 30 2020

 

By Joan Salmon

Breakups could easily leave you drained, dreading relationships, never willing to commit and for some, a total mess. So with all the emotional turmoil that they come with, there are some things you may want to steer clear of to avoid making a bad situation worse.

Contact with your ex
Although you have been in touch with this person, probably more than any other person, Aldrine Kimani, married for five years, says, it is now time to apply the brakes. “That is not to say that exes are not allowed to be friends. However, the wound is fresh and you have not had time to look and ponder about what could have put you in this situation. So, before you look like a stalker, keep away from this person for some time and allow yourself to heal,” he advises.

Dating again too soon
Being in a relationship can, for some people, get addictive that they simply cannot be single for a while. However, upon breaking up, there is a lot about your life that has been thrown into disarray and must be restored to order.

“Jumping into a relationship right after a break up is not good because you have not allowed yourself to heal or mourn. More to that, you will carry baggage to the next relationship which compromises its longevity,” Marylyn Ameto, a relationship blogger, shares.
She adds that it is important to allow yourself time to reflect on what was and deal with the pain, rather than trying to cover it with another relationship so that when you start dating again, you give the other person a whole person rather than a damaged, sad partner.

Comparing
Just like your finger print is different from that of the next person, even if it were your twin, so is your experience, let alone healing process. Atemo says that seeing that the reason for the breakup is never the same, nor our emotional health, therefore, the time it takes to heal also varies.

“Never put yourself under pressure with statements such as, “I should be over this break up by now.” No one has set a timeline. So, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal,” she advises.

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Going to social media
Social media platforms have become a place where people share everything about themselves, good and bad alike. So, it is not news that some people rant about their breakups on social media. Elaine Mwanja, a social media enthusiast, reminds us that as we visit these sites regularly, so do recruiting companies and many other people.

“So, before you think of ranting about how bad your partner treated you on your Facebook page, think about how many people will read it and in what light they may see you. Chances are, your promotion may just go down the drain as your supervisor or a member of the promotions panel look at you as one that cannot handle pressure,” she advises. Therefore, while it is seemingly the in-thing, keep your breakup details to yourself. If you are more than tempted to say something whenever you visit your page, stay away from it until you are in a better state of mind.

Seeking out the other person
The thought of breaking up was the best you had in the months leading to it. However, you had not thought about the time thereafter, such as the loneliness and emptiness you would feel. But here you are, with your significant other out of your life and you do not know how to live life or spend the day without them.
Mwanja says the most common yet wrong thing that usually happens is for you to reach out to them.
“While you are used to talking to this person, you are not doing yourself any good by falling back into old habits. Chances are, this is an impulsive action and with pain lurking in the shadows, doing things you might regret is possible. Do yourself a favour and keep away from your ex until you heal,” she advises.

Letting your emotions rule
With a breakup comes several emotions such as anger, the feeling of betrayal, and disappointment. “Learn to manage your emotions because self-control is needed not just in relationships but in life,” Stephen Langa, a counsellor, shares. He adds that it also calls for one to know themselves well because we all have different temperaments.

Therefore, knowing your strengths and weaknesses helps you work on managing your weak points.
Langa reminds us that not every relationship must end in marriage because during courtship, you are trying to find out if you are compatible with the other party, and if you will go with them for the long haul.

jsalmon@ug.nationmedia.com

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