Can a marriage thrive with childlessness?

This week, we have a chat with a man who lays bare his soul on what it is like to be a childless couple in a society that equates marriage to children. Stephen Musembi and Abigael Wambui have been married for 12 years; they are yet to get a child.

“I am a pastor. Abigael and I met in church in Zimmerman, Nairobi, in 2004. At the time, I was a youth leader and a budding minister. I still vividly remember the day she walked into that church. It was on a Saturday afternoon. I was cleaning up the church in preparation for the Sunday service. She came in and saw me cleaning alone. “How are you, can I help you?” she asked.
“Yes, please,” I said eagerly.

We hit it off immediately, and with time, we became close friends. The more I got to know her, the more I fell in love with her.

Dating
Her beauty, humility, dedication in church and politeness were irresistible.

In June 2005, a year after we met, I took her for lunch and asked her if she could be my girlfriend. She said yes, and we officially started dating. Right from the word go, I knew that Abigael was the woman I wanted to marry and raise a family with. But we did not get married right away. We dated for three years, during which we took time to know each other’s character and personality deeper, as well as prepare for the lifetime commitment of marriage and the responsibility that comes with it.

We got married in December 1, 2007. On that day, I stood at the altar and watched in awe and love as Abigael walked towards me. As love songs played in the background, we said our vows, kissed and looked forward to a bright future of love, prosperity and a happy family.

Pregnancy tests
While dating, we had discussed having children. Abigael wanted five. I wanted three. We also agreed that we would have our firstborn within the first year of marriage, after all, didn’t all the couples we knew get married and have a baby within months? Two months after our wedding, my wife missed her period. I was overjoyed. She had conceived.

“Yes! You’re pregnant!” I exclaimed in joy and touched her belly when she told me that she had missed her period.

“Here comes the first of our five babies!” she chuckled. We bought a pregnancy test kit just to be sure. To our consternation, the test was negative. But Abigael had never missed her period before, and therefore the test must have been faulty. I went out and bought different kits from different pharmacies in town. All the tests turned negative. She wasn’t pregnant. Within our first year of marriage, we carried out multiple tests that all turned negative.

Hormonal imbalance
During that time, her periods would appear and disappear. We knew there was a problem. It is now 12 years since we got married. We have sought medical help from various hospitals and reproductive experts.

We have even tried the herbal route but all our efforts have been in vain.

The procedures my wife and I have been through have not only been emotionally draining, but have consumed a lot of our savings and income. We have inquired about the in vitro fertilisation procedure (IVF) but have shied away from it due to the heavy cost associated with it.

We consulted a doctor who specialised in reproductive health to find out what was happening. After examination, the doctor diagnosed her with acute hormonal imbalance and put her on medication to regulate her periods. Our only remaining resource is hope that one day God will answer our prayer and give us a child.

Stigma
That I am a pastor, and therefore in the public eye, has made our childlessness more difficult to bear. People look at me and think to themselves, ‘What is wrong with this man? Why can’t he have a child yet he is a pastor?’ Once, someone approached me and bluntly told me that the reason I would never be a father was that I had married a girl from Nairobi.

‘Girls from Nairobi use too many contraceptives and abort all the time!’ he said. I was furious, especially because Abigael and I had practised chastity.

But it has been even more painful when the mockery comes from relatives.

I have been in situations where my wife has been subjected to mockery when other women are talking about having children.

Sometimes I go to meetings where men with children introduce themselves as ‘Baba So-and-So’, but since I don’t have children, I introduce myself as ‘Musembi’, only for someone to ask, ‘You are baba who?’ or ‘how many children do you have?’

Faithfulness
I have noticed that I am always asked when I got married the moment I say that I am not a dad yet.

But my lowest moment was when a very close friend who knew my struggle mocked me, wondering why I had been unable to impregnate my wife yet we had been together for five years. I felt dejected.
I felt desperate and helpless. I felt as if I was not man enough.

Despite all that my wife and I have gone through, I have never once thought of straying from my marriage. I have come to understand that our marriage is complete with or without children.

It certainly would be the greatest day of our lives if we are blessed with a child, but even if we are not, we shall stick to the vows we took 12 years ago to love, to cherish, and to hold till death do us part.

It is my covenant to Abigael and I will protect it with my last breath. We have learned to pray for one another and to be each other’s pillar of strength.

Above all, we protect our trust and fidelity in each other as it is the fulcrum of our marriage. We haven’t given up yet, we are saving money to make another try at having a baby through better procedures. I know that not many men cope well with the struggle to conceive. But I have also seen couples who have been through the struggle emerge victorious. Do not quit and do not give up.”

This article was first published in Daily Nation