Recently while visiting a friend at her workplace, I saw my uncle’s wife entering their boss’ office. Without disclosing my relationship with the lady, I asked who she was. My friend confided that she (uncle’s wife) was the boss’ girlfriend. Their relationship had been going on for so long that she was treated with reverence by all employees although she does not work there. Not only was I embarrassed by the stories I heard about them, but I was also incensed by this woman’s duplicity. For a long time she was spreading rumours of my Uncle’s unfaithfulness and even threatened to divorce him, yet here she was doing the same thing. Should I tell my uncle or someone in the family? Should I confront her about it? I don’t know what to do. Please help. Anonymous
This is a disturbing situation because as much as you feel terribly bad on behalf of your uncle, you need to take a few considerations before you decide to reveal the affairs of his wife. From a psychological point of view, it would be prudent to weigh in on whether there is ever a circumstance that demands you to tell someone his or her partner is cheating.
You are right to be compelled to tell your uncle, especially after observing how they have been relating and so the feeling of wanting to see justice is overriding. However, before you decide to relay such sensitive information, ask yourself if this will help change the situation or worsen it more so if a family has tendencies of domestic violence.
Do you have enough understanding of the two and their relationship? For instance, if the person being exposed gets to learn about it, you too will be at risk and in case it is a violent relationship, you will have put their life at risk. However, it also depends on how close you are.
If the family relationship is distant or strained, bringing up concerns about an affair may end up harming your connections with your family member and the spouse too. In case your relationship is as close as that of a friend, revealing what you know maybe a rightful action.
Take time to assess the situation before you reveal because it might blow things out of proportion and leave you guilty about your action. Remember also that the onus of proof will lie on you because an individual engaged in infidelity will often deny it at first.
This, therefore, becomes your burden to prove yourself right and you are not likely to win that. Usually telling the cheating spouse themselves in case you are close is much safer since the aim here is to support reform and change. The above scenario is much complex since as an uncle to you he is like a parent to you depending on the culture.
If this is stressing you up on behalf of your uncle, confide in a trusted adult and tell them how this makes you feel. Before you get involved in this risky drama, take time and assess the entire scenario but most importantly if his wife can be approached by someone else about her illicit behaviour, it is much safer for you.
Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist
Nampa Patience Natie: Try passing by your friend’s workplace at one point and observe critically. In case you get her in the wrong or you get some evidence, just send it to her phone to let her know that you know. Keep quiet about it and wait for her response.
Pray for them
Dorcas Koheirwe: It is not your duty to separate what God has put together. What if you talk and one kills the other, won’t you be held responsible? If you are a Christian pray for them to go back to their right path so that at least your uncle’s home does not become a broken one. It is not our duty to break marriages; instead encourage repentance and continuity.
Let her know
Micheal Kazinda: Tell her what you discovered about her actions with that other man and warn her that if she continues, her 40 days of deceit are soon expiring and she won’t like the consequences.
Don’t get involved
Phoebe Miriam: Steer clear of that family. Your uncle cheated and his wife evened out scores, right? Don’t complicate that marriage or else you may be looked at as the negative influence that needs to be eliminated! Mind your own business.
Get her red-handed
Kennedy Bagoole: The best thing to do here is doing it the mature way. Keep silent but some day move with your uncle without the notice of his wife. Let him get her by himself.
Reumah Atwine: My dear, mind your business let the lady be. Your uncle started the game so let her finish the game and after that they will come back home very satisfied and continue with their marriage.
Show him evidence
Denis B. Rinda: You have a friend in that office, let him get any small evidence. Anything. It will be helpful somehow. I would have said it is wise for you to keep quiet about it, but man, she even has guts to blame the husband for cheating? Imagine her husband deleting chats from his phone because he doesn’t want his unfaithful wife to find out that he’s been flirting with some woman, just flirting. I mean, there is a way women make you guilty to try to justify their actions. I hate that nonsense.
Emmanuel Eyen: But which business are the women busy telling you to mind? Is it telling your uncle that his wife is a cheat? Since all the ladies who cheat are busy saying “mind your business man go tell your uncle and save him from the unknown.
Brown Sugar: Cheating is usually a symptom of another problem in the relationship and it will come out at some point or another. If you are not close friends, there is no need to insert yourself.