Dear Heart to Heart, My boyfriend and I have dated for 10 long years. I am now 30- years-old and he is 35 years-old. Unfortunately, he says he is not yet ready to get married. People say I should just move on and find someone who is willing to tie the knot. The problem is I can’t just walk away. I love him and have grown attached over the years.
So after thinking about it, I have decided to resign myself to just living together without being married. After all, a wedding is not what makes a marriage. Am I lying to myself? If there a better way to get the ring without overly-pressurising him? Is a wedding necessary? Anonymous
Barbara N. What are his reasons for not wanting a wedding? Are they justifiable? That is where you should start. If they are justifiable, then wait. If they are not, then walk away. Ten years is not a lifetime.
Petra Mugabi. Keep lying to yourself. No matter what you tell yourself and the world, it is obvious that what you really what deep down in your heart is a wedding and to make your relationship official. Yes, a wedding doesn’t make a marriage but it is importance cannot be trivialized. I admit that walking away from a 10-year relationship is hard but you might want to weigh your options.
Make your desire to make the relationship official known in clear terms and if after a month or two he is still adamant, then perhaps it is time to start looking elsewhere. If you resign yourself to the current status quo, overtime, you will slowly grow bitter and one day, no amount of love will be able to hold you back from breaking down.
Linnet Nantume. This sounds like a story I have heard before. Girl gives up her dreams for a boyfriend and two years down the road, the beloved boyfriend decides to walk away and marry someone else. Don’t settle for nothing. Let him at least meet you half way.
Esther Maina. If your boyfriend is not ready to get married after 10 years of dating, he will never be ready. Save yourself the heartache and leave. It will not be easy to break the attachment, it get worse before it gets better. But the important bit of all this is that eventually, it does get better. So pack your bags and go start a new life. When he realizes that it is his loss, he will come get you, if he doesn’t, the good riddance to a bad relationship.
Find middle ground
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding. Do not bury your desire for one. Instead communicate your desire to your boyfriend and also listen to his reasons for saying no.
Then together work towards getting these reasons out of the way so that you can have your wedding. However, if he has no good reason for saying no, then maybe it is time to move on. Ten years is a long time, but that should not be the only reason that you stay in an unfulfilling relationship.