My husband has double standards

Dear Heart to Heart, My husband and I got married in November last year. Initially, all was well but about a month into the relationship, I realised that he behaves differently when we are alone and turns into a different person when we are with his family. For instance, he is really caring and loving when we spend time alone. But whenever my in-laws are around, he hardly says anything even if they try to demean me. The other day, my mother-in-law mocked what I was wearing and he chose to stay quiet. I have already tried to discuss this issue with him but he says he cannot argue with his mother. I do not feel like a part of his family. Please help. Anonymous

Mike Payesu. From what you have explained, your husband loves you. The only thing is that the environment his family brought him up from is not matching his personal wishes. He is trying to balance between you and his family. What you need in this case is to study the family and begin to adopt. The problem with most people is that they enter into relationship with expectations to receive and only see good things. This is selfishness. Also take note that you are married to your husband. Marriage is between the two of you so, the lifestyle with his family members should not bother you so much. Just accept to love and respect them.

Grayce Justyne. You should understand that he loves both of you. He does not want to lose you because of his mother and he does not want to lose his mother because of you. So, him keeping quiet is his way of respecting both you and his family. Therefore, do not try to push him to have to choose between you and his mother because if you do, it will not end well for you.
Acholi Rapper Lobby. When you get married, your man and children become your new family. What others say or do remain outside factors. If your man loves and respects you, that is enough. Besides, it has only been a year since you got married. He will slowly learn to stand up to his family and defend you.

Ssewaya Evelyn. If your husband loves you, please do not ask for more. Let the love he has for you be enough. Do not let him play the role of mother-in-law or sister-in-law. If those hate you, did you get married to his family? If they find you unpleasant, it is their right to express their discontent. Stop paying attention to their comments.

Ritah Jahaz. Dealing with family is hard. These are the people he has been with his whole life, especially his mother. In a way, he is protecting you by showing his mother he does not care. God knows what those in-laws can do to you if he pulls out the swords to protect you. So, just be patient and support him.

Mercy Kirima. Do you expect your husband to argue with his mother? Just respect yourself and others will respect you. Also, learn what your mother in-law likes you to wear and adjust accordingly. You can dress in other way when you are with your husband.

Kings Mulenga. When a man keeps quiet, it means he has noticed something wrong. Just do everything morally right and he will defend you. The example you have given shows that you do not understand the kind of family your husband comes from. Try to learn them and understand what they prefer. Marriage is sometimes about compromise.

Nampa Patience Natie. You could try professional marriage counselling. I am sure whilst there, you will get advice on how to deal with such an issue. On the other hand, try by all means to befriend your in-laws and in due course, such issues will not arise.
Ssewanyana Fahadi. His business with his mother is none of your business. I would not argue with my mother over my wife’s clothing. I am not a woman, she is.

Zeal Lano. He is simply trying to protect you. He cannot blame his mother in your presence because if he does that, you will be hated by all his family members. So you are lucky to have such a mature husband.

Stone Tyera. Some of us are still single hoping to find a man who can truly love us and here you are complaining because your husband cannot argue with his mother to defend you. Did you expect to replace your husband’s mother? You must put yourself together and enjoy the love that your husband shows you.

David Kapere. Marriage issues are solved in the bedroom with your spouse and not in the media. Nothing lasts like a mother’s love and therefore, the two are insurance. As I write this, you might be even thinking of divorce yet his mother is going to stand with him in all situations. Please talk to your husband. It is wrong in any marriage to come to conclusions before talking to your partner.

Kaweesi Josh Kitaka. Of course you are not part of his clan but part of him and family made by the two of you cannot make the whole clan happy. As long as he appreciates you, why are you bothered with the mother in-law’s comments? However, something wrong remains wrong so if you dress badly, try to change so that you earn your mother in-law’s respect.

Nkwasiibwe Isaac. I love your husband. He is a real man indeed. You got married but forgot that when you do, your dress code, lifestyle and community change automatically. Try as much as possible to get on with your mother in-law because if you do not, you will loose your husband as well.

Counsellor’s say> Jonathan Okiru, a counsellor at Family life network

Do the right thing

Dear Anonymous, marriage is about learning one another and adjusting to coexist. One month before the marriage was the best time to arrest and deal with the issue. Now that you are married already, you may need to choose your battles wisely. He is already aware about how you feel when your in-laws are around.

Do not, therefore, push so hard otherwise you may lose the battle. Give him time to appreciate your submission. In the meantime, try as much as possible to adjust for the sake of your relationship.

If you think it is hard for you to handle, try to avoid your in-laws. Marriage is mainly about laying down one’s life for the other. When you offer the sacrifice, do not expect anything in return. Just do the right thing all the time and with time you will reap bountifully.