Dear Heart to Heart, I am a 42-year-old woman and have been married for 14 years. I have two school-going children. Everything in our marriage was going on well but certain recent developments have started shaking my faith in my husband. I recently saw him checking out online dating sites.
And there were a few days when he was even chatting with strangers, all young girls. His mood seems to change for good when he does all these things. One day when I asked him if he is using dating sites to chat, he became furious and accused me of invading his personal space. At a time when we are together all the time, the distance between us seems to be growing! What should I do? Anonymous
David wood. Longstanding marital relationships often have very clearly defined roles and responsibilities, which each person in the relationship accepts and works towards in routine circumstances. However, the ongoing lockdown is a necessary and uncommon situation, which is a part of the global response to battle the pandemic.
As a result, roles in the family are also being redefined as we adapt to the ‘new normal’. If the daily routine of your husband has been affected, it can result in precipitation of depressive and anxiety features such as irritability on minimal provocation, intolerance to loud noises, low frustration tolerance and decreased interest in previously pleasurable activities.
Joyce Mukisa. Do not tell anyone what he did. This is a cardinal rule for marriage, even when things are good. Yet it is so rarely adhered to. Marriage is a private relationship that is closed off to the world.
Only the two of you are supposed to know what is going on within your marriage, and that practical rule is especially true for any problems. Do not go running to your girlfriends, mother, or sisters. We have seen situations where once “the confidant” became aware that there were marriage problems, she moved in now that she knew the husband was “available” to extra-marital activities. Even loving sisters have done this.
Helly Hellen Nanzira. This corona pandemic is causing problems in marriage but stay faithful and keep praying for your husband. Remember that he is not cheating but just using online dating sites. Let us hope that this is just his way of coping with the lockdown and will get back to normal when it is over.
Micheal Kazinda. You are both mature and should openly talk about this issue. Let him know that you are not invading his privacy but are helping him stop this nonsense.
Alangi Linda. Instead of tight marking each and everything he does, find things that will make you busy so that you do not even notice all these things. If you insist on following all he does, you will end up sick or even worse. At 42 and with this stress of lockdown honestly who really has time for more stress?
Safi Safi. Give him space and keep silent. Trust me he will get back to his senses in a minute.
Moses Earthe. Those dating sites in Uganda are for just having fun. So my dear, do not stress yourself. Let the man enjoy dating unknown persons to him. I am assuring you, he is not meeting them. He will remain yours forever.
If your partner is visiting dating sites
1. Do not confront your husband. This includes forcing your husband to “come clean”, apologize, or beg for forgiveness. And absolutely do not drag him to counseling to be tag-team confronted and shaed.
Confrontation is an attack, period. It causes anyone to dig in even deeper. We want to bring the two of you closer, not further apart. If you ignore this warning or have already confronted him, these are the most likely results you can expect: He will lie , He will make impossible-to-keep promises . He will blame you, your parents, the girl at the office, etc.
Do not tell anyone what he did. Don’t share your relationship with others. Even with counselors, keep the details minimal. Hide any and all marital problems from your kids
This is so important that I wish I could make this bold and so strong that you had no choice but to follow it. You are obligated to provide an ultra-safe environment, for your children, like a cocoon made of steel.
4. Don’t take his actions personally
Regardless of to what degree your husband has strayed, he didn’t do it “to you”. He didn’t do it to get back at you.
Compiled from www.themarriagefoundation.org