My husband’s ex sends me abusive messages

Thursday October 4 2018

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Do you have any relationship problems and need advice? Please write to [email protected] Answers to all questions are provided by readers and, where necessary, cross-checked with competent psychiatrists, psychologists, sociologists and other experts in related professions 

By Beatrice Nakibuuka

Dear Heart to Heart, My husband and I have been married for five years now. Before we married, he told me about his ex with whom they have two children. I have never met or even talked to this woman but she keeps sending me abusive messages warning me off her ‘husband’. I have never replied to any of the messages but I feel like she is pushing me to say something. What can I do? Anonymous Anonymous

David Nakabaale. I have no doubt that this situation is disturbing and overwhelming for you. Even if it was not done properly in the beginning, your husband has, apparently, since been clear that he does not want to be with her and marrying you is a clear indication of that. How you met and why he married you is irrelevant- and, quite frankly, none of her business. What she thinks of you is really of little consequence. Your marriage is between you and your husband and her opinion of either of you should not matter. She is a bitter, angry, jealous scorned ex- a non issue that should be treated as such. Delete the messages as soon as you get them. You already know the types of things she is going to say anyway.

Peter Kanene. Your husband has made it perfectly clear that she is no longer welcome in his life, nor does she have a permanent place. No matter how much she is talking non-stop trash about you, she is bitter, angry and jealous. Worse of all, she is having a difficult time letting your husband go. It is something that she cannot accept. Ignore her. The more you do that, the more likely she will get bored.

Mathew Jones. The two of you need to confront her jointly, tell him to set up a time and a place to meet with her and let him tell her to leave you alone.

Ochen Ceasar. She could be married officially to that man and God will punish you for leaving that family to suffer. Since you already know that he is married, leave him to go back to his first wife. He just lied to you because he wanted to sleep with you.

Sserumagga Robert Kiyimba. Silence is never misquoted. Play a cool card and she will give up eventually. If you give her an audience by replying to her stupid messages, she will think you are the same and even do worse. Keep your peace and dignity.

Emma Mungholo. Have you ever told your husband about it? What was his reaction? Express your feelings about it and see what he has to say, if the response is negative engage his close friends before engaging his relatives such as his sister, brothers and parents.

Atwine Sheillah Ckay. Warn her to stay away from your phone. If she does not, then tell your husband to warn her and if she still continues, file a case against her.

Molly Akiiki. It is your husband who is playing you. He must still be in love and continues to see her without your knowledge. Be very careful so that you avoid getting hurt.

Sheillah kay. How did she get your number in the first place? Let her be. All you need to do is ignore her, after all your enjoying your marriage.

Phoebe Miriam. How did your husband’s ex get your number? Your husband must be sleeping with her behind your back. Sit him down and have a hard talk with him.It is his duty to protect you from his ex and others. Block and black list that ex completely, ignore her and let your husband deal with her.

Pamelalily Lubuga. If you have never seen or talked to her how did she get your number? Please talk to your husband. If you are truly married to him, he might be cheating on you with her, the reason she feels entitled.

Soenke Franzen. You should feel triumphant, when you get these messages. It reminds you that you won.

Richard Aluma. How many children do you have with your current husband? With two children, there is a possibility that the woman sending you “abusive messages” is not your husband’s “ex-wife” but rather his first wife and your “co-wife”

Jane Nabanakulya. One thing I know for sure is that such women will do anything to remain relevant. They go out of their way to say things that if you are not strong and prayerful, will force you to leave you marriage. If possible, change your sim card and have a completely different telephone number that she can never get.

Carol Mwangi. I think your husband has been unfaithful and lied to you about it. This is the only reason this woman is feeling entitled to send you those messages and warning you off her man. Let your husband set the record straight.

Mercy Angela Katabira. I honestly think that if you keep quiet she will take you for granted and think that she can abuse you anytime she wants. Confront this woman and ask to meet her in a public place so that you talk. Maybe she has a genuine reason to believe that you are destroying her family.

Counsellor says talk about it with your husband

Dear Anonymous, it must be very challenging getting insults and abuses from someone you have never met. Worse still, especially when you have never acted in a way that insults her. It could be that you have not known her but she knows you. It could be because she was unable to move on after the separation with the husband.
This is something you cannot do alone or you will create an explosion of emotions from her. It is better you keep silent and inform your husband about this. You do not say if you have told your husband about it already but he should be able to do something about the situation. It is the responsibility of your husband to protect you from all sorts of things, including exes now that you are married legally.

Stephen Langa counsellor at Family Life network

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