Dear Heart to Heart, I have on several occasions caught my husband reading text messages from other women. Because I became suspicious, I went through his phone and realised he had gone as far as having sex with several of these women. When I confronted him, he confessed and asked for my forgiveness. He changed for a while but he recently started dating another woman. I have not confronted him about it and I do not know how to proceed. Am I allowing him to get away with disrespecting me? Please advise. Becky
Jane Rose: You have mentioned that your husband has done this multiple time, and even after being caught he has repeated the same mistake. In a situation like this, women either continue with the relationship due to societal pressure or thinking about children as they don’t want them to be brought up in a broken family. I would like to bring to your notice that both the situations have its own pros and cons. You can take a pen and paper to note down each situation. For instance, if you stay with him, what would it be like to bring up a child with such a father? What are the concerns that you need to address right now and in future? Reflect on these, and also write down about the situations you are going to face when you divorce him. What challenges will your children face when you divorce him? What about your financial situation? Think about all the possible circumstances before making any decision.
Roland D. Nasasira: Dear Becky, if you confronted your husband the first time about his cheating habits and he asked for forgiveness but has persisted, you may this time have to consider involving one of his older male friends to help you talk to him. Men in most cases listen more to older people than their peers or age-mates.
Dorcus Murungi: There are some habits that are hard to break and cheating is one of them. Your husband might be a habitual cheater, who might not easily let go. So you will either have to choose between tolerating his cheating habits or leaving him. However, whichever choice you opt for, bear in mind that most men are cheaters and it might be hard finding a man who will never cheat on you.
Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. He will not change. Just learn to live with it and go on with your marriage.
Nzyotho De Phdo. If he changed the first time you confronted him, why don’t you confront him again? Never give satan room to multiply. It is better for him to know that you know what he is up to and ask him to change immediately.
Ivan Waswa. Before complaining, what have you done to control what he is doing? What do you think makes him cheat? Sort out your weaknesses and balance the relationship. Spying on him will never give you peace.
Jones Jonath. Never get tired of confronting him. One time he will maybe realise that what he is doing to you is wrong and change.
Patrick Brown. You should not give in to this man’s bad manners. If you continue forgiving him, he will just continue cheating and probably end up infecting you with HIV. Take this seriously.
Edgar Fortunate Muhangi. A man has never been for only one woman. Statistically, the ratio of men to women is 1:6-7, so who else do you think will date the remaining ratio? Let him adventure, men were created to adventure. I am sure time will come for him to relax. Lastly, always talk about the consequences of sexual networks with him. He will change with time.
Justine Phillips. Although it is widely believed that all men cheat, I do not think that a man should do it with so much impunity. The second thing I believe is that there is no way a man will leave his wife at home and go looking for other women unless he has fallen out of love with her. So, sit down with him and talk to him about what you know. Tell him if he does not change, you will leave him for good. It is better to be single than in a relationship where you will end up infected with diseases.
Phillip Nsokwa. In all this I am thinking about the children. Unfortunately you did not mention how old your children are? Are they old enough to see or even understand what their father is doing? be careful so that the bad effects can not trickle over.
Jude Baraka. If you still love your husband find ways of talking with him. If the situation calls for it, involve elders such as those in the church or even his parents. Alternatively, you can also seek professional counselling because i believe you will get the help needed
Counsellor’s Say: Jonathan Okiru, counsellor at Family Life Network
Talk to your husband
Dear Becky, thank you for sharing. It takes courage to do so. Married men who cheat do so because they have not fully understood the importance that is attached to their lives but more so their marriage commitment vows.
There is no excuse that holds enough water to permit the act of cheating. It is good that you asked for advice because at this point, some people act impulsively making the situation even worse.
You need to have your facts gathered, compose yourself and ensure that you are in charge of your emotions and act like you do not know anything. Do not let your emotions carry you away. Talk to him in a humble way at the time he is in the best mood or when the two of you are less stressed.
With the facts you gathered, be smart and tell him how you feel about the whole situation but not hurriedly. Do this in respect of him because he is still your husband. As you let him know about your findings, do not make him feel diminished or devalued. Your approach should be in line with the love for the family and the commitment he made towards you.
Watch your choice of words, tone and ensure that no third person is involved; not even the children or neighbors should hear this conversation. His response will then give you the next step on what to do. Avoid the selfish mentality and focus on the benefits of unity as a family. If he fails, seek help from a counsellor.