Dear Heart to Heart, My wife and I have been married for eight years and have a six-year-old daughter. However, my wife always abuses me, my parents, siblings and relatives for no reason. Although she is a housewife, she rarely cooks for me. She is also not social and neither wants to visit any of my relatives. To make matters worse, she does not want any person to visit our home. This is starting to affect our marriage and intimacy. What can I do? Anonymous
Rachel Monyoncho. Women are very responsive. Her actions could be a response to the way you and your relatives have treated her. The bible says, so shall a man leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two become one. If your family disrespects and dishonours her, she will obviously not want to be anywhere near them.
Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. She rarely cooks for you at home. Then she adds of abusing you and your family members. What are you still doing with her? Tell her if she does not want to perform her wifely duties, then she should leave.
Phoebe Miriam. Sit her down and find out why she behaves the way she does. Gently let her know how you feel about her anti-social behaviour and how it is affecting your marriage. If she remains adamant, please involve both your parents and a counsellor if she consents. If you fail, then you will have to give each other a break so that you can properly digest the situation at hand. You cannot live a lie for long. People get married to find peace and companionship. I believe you will find a solution to this situation as you both listen to each other and agree to sort your differences.
Nampa Patience Natie. You need to get some time when she is happiest and bring up this topic. Tell her how you feel towards everything. Open communication tends to always help in relationships and if she cannot change after that, suggest going for professional marriage counselling together.
Ojakol Michael Allan. First things first. Ask her what she values in the relationship and why she married you in the first place. Maybe you are not the man she expected and she is acting this way so that you divorce her. Get to the root cause of this problem.
Silver Okiror. Man, before you met her you had a family that raised you. So, if she is trying to separate you from them, think twice. May be you did not take time to study her well to see the social side of her life. She is a mature person. I do not think you can change her now. The only solution might be for the two of you to go separate ways.
Miriam Adong. Although you are heartbroken, you need to sit her down and talk to her about this. Show your authority as a man in the house and tell her she cannot separate you you’re your family. Be firm and let her know that her behaviour will ruin your marriage.
Shillar Kyomugisha. There must be a reason for this kind of behaviour. Some people just pretend when they have already strayed and they want to justify their wrongdoings.
Anek Harriet. Talk things out with her. She will only realise her weaknesses when you have talked to her. Communication is key in any relationship. Also, Seek therapy together from a religious leader.
Daniel Combs. There is an African proverb that says...”you will never know the true character of your woman until you marry her”. If you paid bride price (which in most cases makes women hate in-laws if not sorted), you should call a clan meeting. Otherwise, you cannot handle this alone.
David Sentongo. You are the man of the house. If she treats you like that then you have allowed it. Talk to her and tell her what you will and will not tolerate. If she is not willing to change, then she should go.
Imaniragaba Gloria. Her abusing your relatives must have a foundation because I am sure the abuse cannot just start from nowhere. Check what is wrong between you two and sort it out before seeking for help from social media. Marriage does not need to make sense to anyone except to you and your partner. After all it is a relationship not a community project.
Alvin Johnson. The two of you must sit down and have issues uttered for a common goal or solution. Could there be a reason as to why she behaves in such a way? If you need the involvement of a third party, then involve a marriage counsellor. You should also think about the image you are drawing for your six-year-old daughter.
Ikwara Julius. That means she doesn’t have any respect for you and that is not good for married couples but you can still sort out things between two of you before they escalate. Do so like a man who heads the family.
Jake Kato. Unless she really wants to change, there is very little incentive for her to stop what she is doing. You have tried to get her to stop this abuse, she hasn’t stopped. At this point, you have two choices, accept who she is, or get rid of her, and find a real woman with respect for her husband and in-laws.
Discuss your grievances with her
Dear Anonymous, you need to discuss and agree how to handle relatives. When they are not handled well, it could become a breeding ground for strife in the home.
Each family has a way it is run, you could call it a constitution. It is the responsibility of each person in the marriage to communicate to their family members how things are done in their family.
It is also great that each spouse reaches out to the other’s family members as this shows love and care.
That said, selfishness of ‘me and my family’ needs to stop as far as marriages are concerned. However, if she is not willing to change, you could, as a couple, look for someone, say a counsellor to talk to.
Stephen Langa, Family Life Network