Ours being a nation of serial philanderers and acclaimed drunkards, it is gravely unfortunate that we allowed our animosity towards Golola Moses, blind us from what surely is our only salvation from eternal damnation.
Starting last month, humans can now lie, cheat, steal, kill, fornicate, covet neighbours’ stuff and sin in other creative ways if they so wish, without the prospect of fire and brimstone hanging over their heads. This is surely fantastic news for every Ugandan.
To put it in a simpler way, the only price you will pay for chopping your ex girlfriend into tiny pieces with a machete is a long stay in Luzira Prison, and considering that the DPP’S office is the embodiment of the word incompetence, that might not even come to pass.
You might be wondering why it is now possible to butcher your ex girlfriend and not go to hell, I have got two words for you, the Higgs-boson particle. On July 2, this year, scientists at CERN announced the discovery of this Higgs thing. How did they do it? They spent $10b to build a large Hadron Collider and then used it to recreate the big bang— the explosion by which the earth came into being.
The discovery of this particle has far reaching implications. Firstly, it proves that God was the figment of someone’s imagination, like Musoke, the god of rain in Buganda.
Secondly, it explains why Straka is overweight, a serious condition that puts her at risk of suffering from essential hypertension, ischaemic heart disease and diabetes mellitus, conditions that invariably lead to an early grave.
Thirdly, if one dies suddenly, say they had a heart attack before they had the time to accept Jesus of Nazareth as their personal saviour, relatives and friends won’t have to worry themselves sick that their beloved one has not entered the kingdom of heaven, because there is no such thing . With the discovery of this particle, there is a 99.999 per cent chance that heaven does not exist.
The discovery of this particle also solves the mystery as to why Uganda still remains under developed in spite of the numerous prayer breakfasts our leader has presided over. As it turns out, the president’s prayers were not being listened to, mainly because there was no one to listen to them, and maybe answer them.
The existence of this particle also confirms my long held suspicions that the First Lady was either lying or hallucinating, when she claimed that God had instructed her to run for parliament. I know she is certain she had a clear and deep voice talking to her, but if there is a chance that God does not exist whose voice was that? The president has been called many things, a pan African, a visionary, the messiah, but never a ventriloquist.
The Higgs-boson particle also puts paid to some career aspirations, suicide bombing for example. The discovery of this particle means that religious extremists will find it difficult to convince people to blow themselves up, since there is a 99.999 per cent chance that their reward of 72 virgins is just a myth. I suspect Osama already knows this. And if you are still clinging to the 0.001 per cent chance, God will reward you.