#KampalaPotholeExhibition

It is only in Kampala where everyone claims to be ‘half’ of their tribe. Yes, you cannot be full east, you must have a leg in the other direction. In Kampala, we do all jobs. Everyone is qualified in everything. But the thing we are all most qualified for, is our potholes. And we ought to make a killing off these potholes. We can build not just an industry, but a world, a universe of potholes.

It is often said that if you cannot cure something, mock it. If mockery does not help, then rebrand that thing, rebrand it into gold. It is the future. We can hire our branding experts, come up with a Kampala pothole strategy, the kind of strategy that propels us into the future.

Rwanda is busy showing off with its mountain gorilla naming ceremony. We have more to offer as a city, and as a country. We have our man-made creations; we have the potholes for goodness’ sake. Are we waiting for some foreign force to come and make bucks off our potholes? We should not allow that to happen, never again. We must build businesses around the potholes.

At least the mechanics are. The day we fix the Ugandan potholes, our mechanics will experience the true meaning of a recession. But as things stand, for every pothole, there is a mechanic whose kids wake up to a good breakfast, there is a mechanic’s side dish whose rental project is moving at the fastest pace. What will happen to all these livelihoods that are dependent on potholes?

We do not have to waste a single coin fixing these potholes. It will take us time. And we do not have the expertise of curing the potholes. Potholes in Uganda are like boils, you burst one, another pops up. Let us think of potholes as the gold of Kampala.

Other people are wasting time mining bitcoins, we can spend time mining potholes. In fact, we could peg our Ugandan cryptocurrency to the potholes. For every new pothole, that would mark a new coin. And you know, the potholes in Kampala, they would give every global currency a run for its money.

You can see, out of potholes, we have a cryptocurrency, we have something that can be exchanged on the global map. Next is to organise a naming ceremony, an annual pothole naming ceremony. Basically, you contribute money, adopt this pothole, and give it a name.

It is important to name the potholes because we can also hold a pothole league. What pothole is expanding faster? The Bugolobi pothole used to lead here. Salaama Road would be unchallenged, the Ntinda-Kyambogo Road would compete in all categories. You know we can also compete based on the depth. What pothole runs deeper? What pothole has swallowed the most cars? We have something for our graduates of Statistics. They cannot complain of unemployment. With our potholes, we can create jobs. Our civil engineers can study the expansion of these potholes. And our historians can document from the time a pothole is birthed, its tenure, to the time a miracle happens, and it is fixed.

What about the different shapes and forms of our potholes? Some potholes form these perfect circles, then you have the elliptical ones, these ones, they are hard to dodge. And we can launch the Kampala pothole challenge, based on the ability for one to drive through while hitting the least number of potholes.

So now imagine we have a pothole league, we have the richest people competing to name the potholes. We could then even exchange ownership rights to potholes. Imagine on the upcoming birthdays, you just give a pothole to your loved one. We could fan the fires in our romantic relationships.

We should ride this pothole horse, and it could take us to many worlds, above and beyond. Tourists will be coming to Uganda to tour our potholes. And the beauty about potholes, everyone stands a chance of owning a pothole. We could all become rich in an instant. It is branding people, branding!

We cannot be spending billions trying to repair these small little things called ‘potholes’. That money can be utilised for better things. Instead of fixing the potholes, we could use the money to buy some doodling books (for our great commander, the one you know if you know). We could use the money to dig up more potholes. We could splash the money and hire a strategy firm to create a brand around these well-fed Kampala potholes.

The best way to cure the Ugandan potholes is to accept them, to love them, to brand them, to market them to the world, to hold endless exhibitions, and who knows, our potholes could get a golden buzzer! And here is to the greatest, the finest, the chilliest, the most awesome of things, the great Kampala potholes!

Twitter: ortegatalks