Are you a Harvester, Zoe, or do you call Lubega Apostle?

“Do not attack the mehn of Gaad, the anointing,” so they say. Yours truly must start with the ka-disclaimer. I am on pure vibes. It could even be the potholes of Kampala confusing me. Or some spirit that needs to be cast out. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that 1986 was not just ‘86. It also introduced a new wave, a full expression of the cool balokole aesthetic, aka the cool alternative to the Namirembe or Rubaga crew. Okay, there were balokole before, those of the Kivebulaya strains. But those balokole were hard cores, those born -again revivalists, aka balokole bazukufu were like the proposed UPDF amendment bill. The women all donned that Janet haircut, at every moment, you sung ‘Tukutendereza’ and then in the evenings, it was open confession of sins. Then came Grace, okay we shall talk about the real Grace, but I mean, grace, that the good Lord had already considered us worthy of. And people that is how the cool entered the bulokole. So where we are today, is it still cool? Who goes where? What is the title in vogue? Which people are nonchalant? As in, if these churches were perfumes, who got that Oud as a middle note?

Miracle Centre Church (Pastor Kayanja) aka the Originals

These ones were the OGs of rizz. Those double decker buses that you will encounter in London, Kayanja brought them on these streets. It was free transport long before other churches invented free transport. Now, those were in the days when Ugandans also yearned for miracles, for the blind to see, the lame to walk. Forget the jazz these days where the gospel has shifted to miracle money. Think of Miracle Centre Church as the 90s RnB. You know they are the kind you play on a soft Sunday morning. It is still having its regulars, with that old money aesthetic. They keep in low-key. For those who want to bump into slightly older women, and slightly older men, this is the place. You will not find them on the streets preaching on a Monday morning, but they will raise money to feed the starving in Karamoja. Mbu for them, they no longer have anything to prove. They are the Jose Chameleones of balokole. Although they will still surprise you with 77 days or a proper Friday overnight. And before I forget, do not forget your accent, because even Kayanja Junior rolls that tongue proper. And Mummy Jessica reminds us of the aristocracy.

Watoto Church, aka the Intentionals

If Warren Buffet had a church in Uganda, it would be Watoto Church. It has just been there and held it at that. Just kept surfing every wave. Oba you would think of them as a Maddox with an Afrigo Band crossbreed and a Joshua Baraka outlook. They have been part of the Ugandan psyche long before Pastor Ssempa made some of us sign virginity pledges. The audacity of that one also! For Watoto, they gave us Cantata, and that other shock film of Heaven’s Gates and Hell’s Flames. Now this was the place for campusers who had landed on their first serious corporate jobs. Yes, when the likes of Celtel and MTN had opened doors, this was the place you parked your double cabin.

They took us through a proper rebrand from Kampala Pentecostal Church (KPC) and mehn, we all allowed. No one even remembers KPC. Today it still represents the intentional crowd, the one that seeks to stand out, mbu set proper standards. You know that ka female friend with a skin care routine, a sleep routine, simanya reading routine. Like their life is organised around routine, schedules, checklists, this and that. Proper themed life. The echoes of Pastor Gary are still on, but hey, transitions happen. They are that friend that admonishes you for arriving late in Kampala. You do not find many of them on Twitter, most were locked in Facebook. Mbu Watoto people have mastered the beautiful art of enjoying the fine things of life while giving Heaven its due. So do not be shocked when they insist on their Pinot Noir.

Worship Harvest Church aka the Stabex

Okay, this must be the fastest growing church in Uganda. Mbu when Stabex ran out of steam, it found a new replacement in the Harvesters. Basically, when you are lost around Uganda, the first thing you do is find a Worship Harvest Church or just shout Apostle Mo, or something like; ‘it’s garage time.’ Mbu for them they came with a different beating (read enkuba empya), even Sunday is not just Sunday, it is Garage Day. They even have the cool Pastor Beatrice. Now, if you have watched those YouTube podcasts with the pauses in between sentences as though someone is about to drop some revelation, you will get the top notes. Mbu Cell is to Watoto while Mission Community is to Harvesters.

And make you not a mistake to vibe one of the girls, before you know, they will be dragging you to an MCC. Think of Harvesters as the new money, the millennials with a Nairobi accent. Yes, here you are bound to face off with the Stanley cups. And as you are blinking, the next thing you hear is that your friend at Worship Harvest has planted a Church. And in case you have not heard from same friend, chances are high they are busy attending some course at the Church and next thing they are launching a new book. Mbu once you enter the Harvest ecosystem, that is it. As in what other church even has an international school in the same building. Mbu for the Harvesters, they are new money but with a subtle flair of a John Coltrane blues piece.

Zoe Fellowship, aka the Kitiribita

What hasn’t the Prophet seen? You know, the thing with Zoe is that the Prophet always defined the fashion for the month. Those days when they were still at Lugogo, you would walk into the CJs there and see sharp suits with that ka-nsingo-nsingo haircut. When lawyers are done speaking legalese, this is their gathering. If you think of every other profession that can confuse you, then you have arrived. Property dealers, bond owners, in simple terms, chaps who want to move things fast, fast. If you really want things fast, you will find your kin here. Chances are high that the same people here have also featured somewhere on the Super life, GNLD lanes.

Chances are high they know a thing or two about the next crypto. Just like the Kampala girls’ obsession with kitiribita, these two are the kind. You come to Zoe in your dying minutes. When the ka job is about to restructure, when the marriage window is closing. Naye does it even close? Kubanga Jajja Gashumba broke the seal of time. Atte here, every time the world is always ending. You will be hearing of the latest conspiracy theory. Mbu now that new Pope, he is representing the first beast. And the war in Ukraine means the first trumpet has gone off. Anyway, let me stop attacking these billionaires. They have the power to decide whether MK takes the throne or not. Nze munsonyiwe, I am just following Ze-editor’s instructions. Continued on the next page.

Phaneroo Ministries, aka The Graceful Army

Okay, these are my friends, naye does not mean I cannot roast them. You see, when the title ‘Pastor’ stopped trending, it moved to ‘Prophet’, then ‘Bishop’, but then came the title ‘Apostle’, and it was disruptive. It got all the campusers in a certain feeling. You people should have seen the campus Papas and Mamas of our days. We were speaking Greek in our times, with words such as Ginosis, Epigonisis, Koinonia. And mehn, when you are some struggling campuser, you need someone to remind you that the boda boda you are on now, you shall be on it no more. You need to breathe a gospel that makes that roadside suit feel like something from Peaky Blinder’s Luca Changretta’s mythical ‘Fenacci’. The thing with the Phaneroo crew is that nothing is impossible. Era if you marry a Phaneroo girl, she will accept you based on the grandiosity of your faith. The bigger promises you make, the higher your chances. In Phaneroo, you can wake up and decide that you are the next BoU governor. Atte for them, you do not give mileage to those who attack you.

Mbu at Phaneroo, they do not catch feelings, they catch flights. Now most of the campusers who started off with Phaneroo have long graduated and transitioned into bigger places. Some are middle managers, ela that is why we do not need to borrow the $55m. You know the self-confidence of most 30-year-olds with medical insurance and the latest Subaru outback, yes, now you get the current Phaneroo crew. You do not know the feeling when you have a bond in your investment portfolio, or when you buy your first 50 by 100. You see, the good thing with Kampala is that it does not cost much to arrive. You are always one proper corporate job away or one proper deal away, and then you can start to kujooga.

Ela you people go slow on Phaneroo people. They are the real new money. You could annoy them, and you wake up one morning when they have deployed around every pothole in Kampala. Ela those of you who do not want to end up like Jajja Gashumba, scampering for something in extra time, this is time to learn tongues, and some Greek. Yes, it pays to know at least some verse of the Bible in Greek. You must be deeper in the world, but above all in Grace.

Worship House, aka Forever Single

If Nalukoola were a Mulokole, he would find a home in Nansana. Mwe, there is something about Nansana. Have you seen its hangout places? Like Power King? If they risk and block TikTok in Uganda, Nansana will burn down. Worship House is for when you are transitioning.

Like you have seen what the corporate world has to offer, but you have your informal routes. Like you are the kind that says, the reason you shop second hand, is because they are more durable. Like you have an excuse for your informality. And what better way than also to want some proper entertainment with a Celebrity Sunday? Have you met those old Masaka men that have spent some time in London? Or the ka new accent that nursery schools are forcing on the bu-children? Yeee why am I over-explaining, it is Nansana we are talking about here. The rest of the gaps, you people should fill in. Have you watched that ka-show of real housewives of Nansana? Or have you spent a night on Bruno K’s kibozibozi? If yes, your chair is reserved at Worship House.

Canaan Land House of Prayers, aka Pentagon, aka Kasongo

Pastor Bugy (not Gloria Bugy) is the true man of the bottom of the pyramid segment. It is said, Pastor Bugy decided to work for muntu wawansi (literally and figuratively). When the Lord said, go shepherd my people, he took this message full style. Somehow, we are all part of the Pentagon congregation. But here, the church attracts those that seek drama spiced with black pepper. If you can tell the difference between Haojue and Boxer, you are welcome. If you know that the first thing someone does in Kampala is to date a food vendor, you are welcome. Because here, drama is served week on week. Mbu Canaan Land is the Nyege Nyege version of churches, anti with all the mud, who does not dig a super Sunday festival.

Synagogue Church of All Nations, aka Kibaluma

You see, if Pastor Bugy thinks he got the drama, then Prophet Kaks invented the theatre. Mbu for these ones of Synagogue, they work in silence. You be there thinking Lamine Yamal is the best footballer, until you meet Prophet Kaks. And mind you, everything here is Holy. Mbu while Pastor Bugy was looking for money to do the hoarding, Prophet Kaks experimented with every shape. But do not be fooled, Prophet Kaks is global. Mbu he is the reason we launched that direct flight to Zambia. If you want free food in Malawi or at the coast, just tell them you are a relative of Prophet Kaks. Who goes here? Those who by any other means could also have ended up somewhere at Mama Phina’s in Bulenga. Now there is one rule Prophet Kaks gave to the people, when they are being attacked, they should ignore and dance like the Katikirro to the Kibaluma song.

The Others:

Now some chaps will start complaining. Mbu you have not mentioned our man of God. We have cooler things. Even Life Church Namasuba that is closed every time it floods, is going to complain. Gwe don’t you see we have a basketball court in our compound? Then those of Prophet Brian Kagyezi will claim that ‘Pneuma’ is also a Greek word. Huh, even those of Mutundwe Christian Fellowship. At least for Mutundwe and Pasita Toomu, you can listen to that baluwa ya mulongo on Simba. Bino byabanene! Okay? Even those of Pastor Aaron Mutebi? And those of Brother Ronnie? Arghhh arghhh are you also building without loans?