The world thinks we must choose things, we must define them. That somehow, at some point, you must pick a position and stick with it. If you are in your 30s, you should know whether you are a beer person or spirits person. And when you settle for spirits, then once again, lock down. Are you a gin person? A gin and tonic?
A whiskey on the rocks? A neat chap? It is the idea that the door keeps closing in, as you age. The options reduce. The famous list gets chopped (for the ladies), all this idealism of this is what I want in a man. It now becomes, if you are happy, who are we to say no? People do not end up with the women or men of their dreams. It is the idea of settling, and well, choosing a life.
Part One: The braces menace
I never knew that dentists would at one point rebrand and become some of the most sought-after chaps. How we dreaded that dentist chair? This is an industry that gave us a whole word – detoothing. But now, the dentists are over-working, they have re-branded. And braces are the new tattoos in Kampala.
Like what the heavens are people chasing? This nonsense of over-perfecting is a menace. What will happen when everyone has a perfect smile? Then what? Then everyone will start a podcast. And everyone will tell us to be intentional. OMG. That word intentional. The moment you learn to pronounce it, you are ready to start a podcast.
But here is my take on beauty. Beauty can not live without flaws. We admire our heroes because they are also flawed. They have stains, they have something that reminds us that we too, could become them. So, we admire that random pimple that stands out. It charms us. We admire that missing tooth, or that bit of messed-up formula. Because then, in this simple fact, we are reminded that we are human, all too human.
Part Two: It is a woman’s world now
Something has happened; something has really happened. I never knew that Katy Perry would win James Brown. You know James Brown sang that it was a man’s world. And Katy Perry said, it is a woman’s world. You see, the vice president is now a woman.
The speaker of Parliament, the prime minister. And who is driving the sleekest cars in town? It is the women, boy. And that is why the slightly older women are now in vogue. Every man is seeking a piece of this top stock. So where have the men gone? Where are they hiding? Mbu they are grassing. They cannot belt up anymore. They are on the run. They are abandoning. They are caved in.
They cannot even hold an opinion anymore. They trot around. When is the last time you have heard a man speak? When is the last time you have seen a man suited up? When is the last time you have seen a man just be a man? As in a man? Wewe, it is a woman’s world. The men have gone back to the caves. They cannot even maintain eye contact anymore.
Part Three: Every generation is as good as its drugs
You know the place that holds all the secrets of Uganda? You know Kikuubo? You know all those arcades around? You know Arua Park? You know Kafumbe-Mukasa? You know Kisekka? You know Kisenyi? If you want to pick up on the secrets of this country, then make a tour to those sections.
You will notice all the big secrets. All the different rules of the game. You will learn to read people and be read by people. Now for this generation. The problem is their drugs. They thought themselves wiser and picked on cooler drugs.
An old man once said, when your drugs become cooler, then you are not getting cooler, they are winning. People, what happened to the good old beer? Just sitting around with that beer? The good old coffee? What is this vaping maneno? What happened to the good old smoke? And do not start saying, now you are making a case for cigarettes. I am just saying, old is always ever green. It is better to keep old vices than learn new vices. It is the new vices that kill.
See how we started on Alien Skin music, how everyone said this is a game changer and now the whole country is in shambles. See if we had stuck to a Chameleone, to a Bobi Wine, to a Juliana, and accepted some of the new, we would not be in this void. Now it is all hollow here. Like the Ugandan TikTok algorithm. The moment you travel out of Uganda, the algorithm shows you different things. And I am afraid to report, there is something seriously damaged in this Ugandan psyche. TikTok has told me it is all contaminated. Everything passes, everything goes, but there is no gold to be found on a dump site.
Postscript: Do not sleep on the blues, do not sleep on funk. Do not sleep on a Joan Baez, on a Miles Davis, do not sleep on these sounds. They heal the psyche.
@OrtegaTalks
