Ian Ortega
Something came over me in the past weeks, it must have been the build-up to the conclave. I decided to give out a chunk of my wardrobe to my askari. By other theories, somebody, an insider, had whispered into my ears. That word around the Mzee had me on a list of new appointments. Mbu, Mzee was planning a reshuffle, and I was among those who had eaten with a big spoon. I thus took the preparations a notch higher and decided to empty my wardrobe in advance. I am now suffering because of this decision. Nothing is as hard as finding good men’s clothing in Kampala.
I started at Metroplex mall, the best I could get there was me settling for the boxer shorts and socks. There was nothing that could match my upcoming status. I went to Acacia mall. Even worse, people. Even worse. There is this fallacy in Kampala that good men’s clothing means expensive. That you can pick any rug and slap a big price on it. That price would augment anything bad into something classic.
Not true people. Not true. We have a men’s clothing crisis in Kampala. To imagine that me, an incoming big shot in government will still have to go to those malls downtown to find the classic jackets, and casual pants. I suspect this is why Mzee had picked me, I am the man to drive such reforms. And do not get me started on the shoe crisis in Kampala.
Kampala is a city of paradoxes. You can have money but without a thing to spend it on. Because it’s such a ka-inclusive city. You will buy a ka-shirt for 400K at Acacia and find the same shirt in the Naalya village market for 20K. In fact, the Naalya shirt will have more stiches per inch. Anyway, again, as I am preparing for my new posting, I went for Holy Mass. But of course, I was looking forward to that one point of the Eucharistic Prayer. I was waiting for the priest to make that mistake of saying ‘together with Francis our Pope’ instead of ‘Leo our Pope’. But I am told, the priests have been cramming this part so well. The priest at Namugongo nailed it.
Another idea then came to me. I could posture as a motivational speaker and claim; “you see Ugandans, that job will replace you in seconds, eat your money, make time for your family, look it's now Leo instead of Francis…” As I healed from that madness, I was hit by the fake academia madness. What is this rush for credentials? Credentials that people have not worked for. Let me give you a ka-trick, good people. If you really need that PhD title. Sign up for a proper PhD without plans of completing it. Then all you include is something in brackets (ongoing). Your PhD can be ongoing for the next 20 years.
Anti you people want to status-signal without doing any work. Now speaking of status-signalling. We need a wine -control committee in Uganda. Where was it written that every restaurant, supermarket should have South African wines as majority stock? Okay, I understand fine-dining restaurants make their biggest margins on wines naye why would you sell a ka-cheap South African wine at an exorbitant price? Why? It seems everyone in Kampala is out to scam you.
Everyone is a scammer and everyone in Kampala has been scammed. I know you people think I will be commenting about the $55m church. Apaana! I leave issues of sheep to the sheep. It is their money. They know better what to do with it. But onto serious things, what is the matter people? Why don’t you let people be? Didn’t Full Figure tell you so? I also suspect, civilisations always start with churches, temples, before they progress to hospitals.
Give this Ugandan civilisation a chance to crawl. Okay! Civilisations must resolve myth first before anything. By the way, have you people managed to find love in this city? I do not mean your transactional kind of the love, of pay per view. You know chaps have normalised that love in Kampala, mbu you choose the package you get. If you only do her nails, you get love equivalent to that.
They just scratch you a bit. I am talking about the love where she sits on the verandah in her over-sized sweater, and you just cannot help but forget Museveni is your President. Like it is the love you get when you derive joy from doing nothing, you bask in its shadows. Like every mistake, every flaw is something that perfects.
Wait, let me wake up. Let me stop asking this city for the things it cannot give. Finally good people, this thing of POs in Kampala, who runs that department? Who runs the department of payment terms? Do you think our landladies also have payment terms of 60 days, 90 days? Some of you will be sent to learn okucunda amaate in a kraal! Post-Script: Mbu the love that you seek is in the people and places you are avoiding. Wait. You mean my love is in a bar! Kikafuuwe. X: @OrtegaTalks
Have you people managed to find love in this city?... I am talking about the love where she sits on the verandah in her over-sized sweater, and you just cannot help but forget Museveni is your president.
