I used to hate gatekeepers. I thought everything in the world ought to be open to people. That you find a great thing, you tell everyone about it. But good people, something weird tends to happen. That ka evil eye, so well-known in Islam tends to hold true. Because why do places deteriorate the moment you tell the crowd about them? One moment you have this wonderful third space, you share the secret, next you know it is gone from a wonder to a hell’s den. For that reason, I am keeping my café secret to myself. Let it be this sweet little secret.
Part One: Generation Cocomelon will soon overthrow its parents
I must tread softly on these grounds. People always argue; “gwe Ortega, you have no children, you cannot comment on these topics.” I am tempted to tell them that a real man can never know. You can never be so sure. Who knows someone estranged decided to give off my offsprings to someone with the JATT budget?
Mbu for the first time in history, the children are parenting their parents. Something changed the day millennials had children. Mbu they wanted to raise their children quite different, away from all the ‘trauma’ their parents had inflicted on them with the traditional way. The millennials even gave their children gadgets as soon as possible. They allowed the children to question every decision. Now trouble is happening in Palace Millennial. Their bu children aka Generation Cocomelon has become another one.
Some are even refusing to speak and choosing to use the language of the cartoons. Mbu they do not even have abilities to Vaseline their own bodies. These bu childen! Do they know in the ‘90s, you only had these options; Avis, Sleeping Baby or Mwana Mugimu? Do they know how the ka decker bed was a given in most homes? Now mbu every child has their room. I suspect Generation Cocomelon will soon overthrow its parents.
Part Two: Without bu deals, Kampala can barely hold together
Something has happened in real estate. We woke up one day and everything came to a standstill. Mbu the tax-people became too aggressive and started looking into people’s wallets. Mbu real estate was that sector where you could at least not have the gavumenti prying into your affairs. Now people cannot wash their proceeds easily. Then the tightening also happened, arrests here and there, mbu tell us beneficial owners, and boom, the real estate entered a recession. So for the first time ever, there is a crash.
Mbu there will never be a scenario of a Bulindo or Manyangwa again. Where you buy for a ka Shs20m today and sell for Shs100m tomorrow. Mbu someone has disrupted the bu pipelines. So there is real trouble. The market has crashed. And when real estate crashes, everything starts to crash. From the brokers to the hardware people, to the transporters. Kwegamba it is a dilemma. How in the heavens would everyone be selling without anyone buying? Too much supply selling too few demands? What do they call this in economics? Akalipo?
For the first time in the country, there are so many sellers, too few buyers. We cannot continue like this. These are pre-conditions for disaster. That is why ‘catch flights, not feelings’ posts have also become extinct. Mbu for the first time, every month feels like Januworry. Oba the thieves should just stop fighting.
Part Three: Oba Ugandans are getting raw deals
You see, the alcohol bigwigs would wish that one day Ugandans go from being heavy on beers to being heavy on spirits. And not just your kwara kwara spirits but premium spirits. But there are two dilemmas on spirits in Uganda; the counterfeits and the poorly designed experience.
Mbu the bu-places in Kampala run a hybrid option. The ka-first round of a drink is always the genuine bottle. Mbu when you are still all alert, before every species has turned into a baddie. Mbu on the second round is when the magic of the ka fake starts to happen. Mbu no wonder, people are waking up with bu funny hangovers, the kind where the head keeps bobbing in one direction.
The second thing about spirits is that the experience is lacking. The one thing all bars have learnt is to get those bu popping lights, with the girls raising the drink up in the air. And usually, they must have that ka skin complexion, better if, from Nyarutarama. Beyond that, nothing more.
Mbu that is why the men prefer their bu dingy hangouts where they will down their beers. Mbu no one has time to counterfeit beer. There are no margins. Imagine the dilemma of getting high on expensive fakes. Ehhhh, Kampala is surely not for beginners. Otherwise, why do people claim not to have change for small figures?
The beauty about dating lawyers is ratio-decidendi. Mbu you can be setting precedence in the relationship. Above all, you will bump into Latin. You will be saying, ‘Hun by choosing to date me knowing in advance that I am a broke man, it was a Violenti non fit injuria…’ By the way, current Kampala needs the Janet Jackson energy of ‘pleasure principle’.
@OrtegaTalks
