I have decided to become a Ugandan politician. I am tired of hating from the sidelines. I am joining the theatre, to play, to arouse, to perform, to mesmerise. I have an airtight plan, for example, I am reaching out to Zoe College (whatever that university is) for my doctorate. And do not start jazzing me mbu one cannot use their honorary titles before their name.
I expect to be addressed as Dr Ortega a few months from now. The real constraint in my plan is that of the woman by your side. I need her to be as powerful as she could be. Perhaps, I should have my own set of triplets. The other constraint is the potbelly. But this is easy to deal with. One can always put on a belly.
But I am told, it is such a deal breaker in Uganda. No one ever trusts a politician without a potbelly, chubby cheeks, round glistening eyes. I have a formidable team of fuutu soldiers. Already, I have sent out an olive branch to all my exes. I have told them (in true corporate speak), it was never personal. It was just business. My convincing slogan; “Mujje tukole”.
To bolster my team of fuutu soldiers, I have added my communal team for propaganda. My barber, for example, should be selling serious stories and myths. Such as “that Ortega, there is something mystical about him, every time I use my ka-pencil on him, I see the future of Uganda.”
I have convinced the maize vendor, the mobile money chick, the chicken roaster, all these chaps to start creating these myths around my name. Because riyaale? Why are people doing master’s degrees in engineering in Uganda? Like what the heavens is there to master here? Just follow me; ‘mujje tukole’. I am going to be multilingual, even create a Swahili version of the slogan. An equivalent like ‘tufanye’.
It should be short and catchy. And it should be a slogan that all my voters can run with in their silly minds. Tufanye speaks to every serious worker. I have come to rescue the workers, the vendors, the meat sellers. People should take pride in ‘kukola’. This economy is not for dignity. Dignity will come, but not in the next 20 years.
I am your politician people. Your very good politician. Of course, I also have a baddie package. I have ordered Stanley cups in all colours. As soon as I am voted into power, I will roll out my Stanley cup distribution drive. In fact, we could have a branch in every baddie suburb; Bulindo, Kyanja, Bugos, wait, is Kitukutwe part of this drive? Let’s get serious ba people. Even Bulindo sounds like a bat place, aka buwundo. But of skinny bats aka bulindo. Stanley cups for all baddies. We have scripted the photoshoot, each girl, with their Stanley cup around a major feature in their suburb.
They must be clad in those bu-tennis skirts. Are we clear? But what about Dubai chocolate? Can’t a politician breathe? Okay, every baddie will also get Dubai chocolate and a ka-make-up kit. We must all work in style. Kazi ni Tukaza. By this fact alone, we shall be ahead of our opponents. Imagine them waking up to baddies in tennis skirts, waving their Stanley cups and Dubai chocolate.
Naye who brought this Dubai chocolate madness? What was their intention? To break relationships? What relationships? All of us in Kampala are situationships. Find a place to get situated, as in, find a heart and buy a ka 50 by 100 in someone’s heart. And worry not about others buying their bu-decimals in the same heart. Just ensure they do not block your right of way.
What else is in my package? A Bond plan. A proper bond plan. Where is that dude? The one who disturbs our dreams. One of these days, he will be caned. I have told him a million times, let us consume in peace you man Kakande. But we shall need Kakande on this bond package. A bond for every Baddie. Something like ‘B for B’.
The men should be complaining by now. Ortega you have given everything to the babes. The bonds, the Stanley cups, the Dubai chocolate. What about the boychild? The boychild, I will teach you the art of name-dropping, the art of eating on someone else’s reputation. The art of picking the right careers. As a man, there is only one or two acceptable ways of introducing yourself. A man should always introduce oneself as a businessman. If he is to get detailed, he is either in Oil and Gas, in Logistics, in Minerals or in security. You must maintain mystery while arousing curiosity. And the thing they do not tell you about this world, you can wake up and be anything, absolutely anything.
That is why your HR manager is always plotting some new exaggerated job title for you. It means nothing. It means nothing! My voters must be wondering. Am I coming as a Member of Parliament? No people. I am coming for more serious things… I am pulling the aerial of Taata Natasha… Mujje Tukole! See me when you see me, aka ‘mundabiira nga daala’.
X: @OrtegaTalks
