Maids are powerful people in this country. They belong to the silent majority. You know the kind of people that can make your life hell or heaven. You never want to be in a dilemma where your maid is punishing you. And not just that, the maids in Uganda control the base of information. Oh, the things they know!
At this base of lugambo, you have the askari, the boda guys and the maids. Mbu whenever the bosses go to work, the maids also proceed to hold their daily meetings and exchange notes. Maids are updated, they know when the Mama and Papa no longer talk, they even know about the other Papa that visits the home when the real Papa has travelled. Those things that your boda guy is always telling you nga you are just saying ‘eeehhh’ in the wind, it is the maids that cook these stories…
Whereas Christmas season is a time to rejoice, it is also the moment when there are tectonic shifts in the Ugandan homes. When January arrives, it arrives with actual tremors. Mbu it starts with the maid saying you should send them transport to return. In that mix, the maids will be receiving new offers. Mbu why should a maid suffer working for someone in Kitukutwe when some better thing shows up in Ntinda.
Not only that, mbu these days maids have also raised standards. They ask; “do they have a washing machine in that home? How many children? Do they have ka-WiFi for TikTok?” Anti now there are planned maids who do not want to work in homes without equipment. Home where Mama comes to complain how they are not wringing and twisting the bu clothes well. Mbu current market price for a maid in Uganda is 100K, if another house makes a better offer, then that is the time to shift.
Kati the maid transfer season started at my Jowey’s place. This awesome Shakira (her maid for three years) said she was setting off for self-employment. She was ready to open her own boutique. Bambi Jowey, she could not imagine going through these drills again.
Apparently, the process starts with reaching out to an agent with your specs. Then the agent tells you to send booking fee. Mbu some maids even ask for sign-on fee. Then the long wait starts. Anti some maids sell hot air. They will give hope to over five people. Mbu it is only until they get to Bweyos that they decide on the final boss.
So if you see that HR lady introducing new policies at work, there are chances she is going through her maid transfer season. Some people had even forgotten their own homes. Everything they be asking the maid. From asking about Jadyen’s birthday to where Papa’s socks are. This is a ka-tough season.
You can imagine school fees combining with maid transfers and the great mboga cuisine. Now I figure that is why all these people be wishing to have us join this institution of marriage. Doesn’t suffering desire company? You want us to be frowning like you, hooting unnecessarily, growing grey hairs in the nose? Noooo. We are already dealing with the First Jayden, atte we add on this madness.
Also, 2025 tried to copy 2024 in speed but things have suddenly slowed down. Of course we have the greatest invention in the world, the digital numberplates. I do hope we have patented our invention, otherwise our neighbours could copy them. Those Kigali and Nairobi people have been hating us, now we have given them a knock-out. Oh oh. Uncle Katumba abeewo.
And speaking of Nairobi, there is something about a Ugandan woman in Nairobi. Eiish. If this news lands on Ugandan women, we are finished. The way a Ugandan woman is worshipped in this city all the way from Westlands, Parklands to Kilimani and Kileleshwa. It is becoming a crisis, some women from the mountain are rebranding to half Kenyan-half Ugandan.
And then, 2025 has started with engagements after engagements. Who is chasing people? Where are they going? I hear if you do not hear from your person, just check on Insta or X using the prompt ‘Ortega + Congratulations’. It is called season ‘Fiancé’ and ‘Fiancée’. If you miss this season, not even First Jayden’s tweets and Bala’s replies will save you.
In other great news, First Jayden and I are working on a disruptive idea, our equivalent of ekisakaate. It is a school for ‘okucunda amaate’, you see people are forgetting culture. Can you imagine people have forgotten how to smoke ekyanzi? But do not get exuberated. The idea is still in that phase of ‘Labako Bulabi naye togula’. But it could also swing fast to First Jayden warning me of ‘kusenguka mangu’. That is the state of Uganda this Janu-worry. Anything is possible in January.
In January, you prepare for anything and for everything. You could wake up when some investor has bought Uganda’s potholes. You could even wake up nga Mzee has done ‘ntondo’ and left the country to us. January is that month where the eyes should smell, the ears should see, and the mouth should see. In this January, you sleep in turns. You may wake up when your husband is wedding.
X: @OrtegaTalks
