For those who choose to study psychology from the streets, you will conclude that the world is run on two forces – envy and greed. We want what the other person has, but once we get it, we never know what is enough. These forces power the machine, and if every human continues to be born with them, the machine will never stop running.
It had been a long time since I last did my usual drive on the Kampala Expressway, especially the stretch from Kajjansi to Munyonyo. I realised that something is happening. Kampala and Uganda at large are growing but nothing can explain the growth. It is then that it hit me, that there was a ka serious force doing the magic.
Every Ugandan has caught onto the secret, and they are all playing to the secret in silence. The secret is ‘small girl, big God, small boy, big God.’ Mbu in Uganda, you never tell people where you fish.
Because what else can explain all the mansions that are mushrooming? What explains the influx of German cars? You gerrit. The only big factory we have launched in recent times is in Ntungamo, and it will be ages before we have Kiira vehicles on the road. But people, the machine is running. And those that catch on in the game, are playing.
Even the mighty Queen Karma read the game, and she chose to play. In this Kampala, you do not wait for a free king to show up, you pick a palace you desire and set up camp. Remember, it’s that ka-envy force. We all have it. It drives us. After all, even the Baganda used to say that no one robs an empty house. But you must also respect that king that got Queen Karma down to her knees. Those are not everyday men. All these bu men that pump muscles in Kampala gyms failed us. It took one serious Baltasar breed to do what all those at home failed to do.
I am glad to inform you that we have arrived at a working theory. Yes, it is both theory and praxis. It is the theory of how Uganda works. Now, Uganda is a casino, a giant casino, with many branches and many games. We are all customers of this casino, and once you are born here, you cannot avoid picking some games to play.
Like if you choose to drive here, then we expect you will play the pothole games. The goal is to dodge as many potholes as you can. But the more potholes you can dodge, the higher your chances of knocking a boda boda. Thus, some potholes you must hit.
There is also the status game. Do not believe a Ugandan on their word. Ugandans are bigger in words, and smaller in action. Every Ugandan knows someone. Every Ugandan is the big person wherever they work, until it is time for them to fix you something. But that is how Ugandans roll. You must exaggerate. When they find you driving an old car, you claim it is one of the many among your fleet. Or you claim that as old money, you do not want to show off. A Ugandan never dies in the ring. Believe a Ugandan at your own risk.
There are words in Uganda that are red flags. If you are waiting for someone and he says, ‘ntusse’, they could be showering. Words in Uganda have multiple meanings. ‘Ntusse’ also means I have just remembered that we should be meeting. Just like when a Ugandan says someone is smart, aka ‘mugezi’, it means that guy knows how to use his position to siphon resources aka play the ka-secret game. Mbu every Ugandan has a day job and a night job. The day job is the cover-up, the night job, the ka lunch-time job, those are the real jobs. And Ugandans have become good at hiding their real jobs. A person’s office could be in the city, but when their real work is in Kyanja.
Those people of Kyanja have gained more from this Casino. Wueh, it is like a race. I hope they know that the rule of the casino is to know when to walk away. There is a reason there are no clocks in casinos, and in swallow places (read bars). Time is a social construct. Mbu even banking halls hide their washrooms. If you are so clever, why is it that you have never seen the washrooms in your banking hall? Wama private bankers, is it true mbu those are reserved for your kind?
I expect, dear reader, that once you come to the acceptance that many games are running in this casino, then you will make a better player.
Have you not heard of those that tried to land visas in Nyege only to wake up to a whitened Nalunkuma of Bulindo? Mbu when the drink wears off, you wake up to a face of kinyanya tones. That other girl simanya Nandor Love, she has bu-bloody songs. Listened to Nawolovu? She just needs a big God to do the magic. And finally, as you play these games of small boy, big God, do not forget some hot chocolate. The house will always win!
@OrtegaTalks
