Prime
Are my husband’s betrayals putting me in danger?
What you need to know:
A few years ago, I found out he was cheating on me. It broke my heart, but after long conversations and promises to change, I chose to forgive him for the sake of our family
I have been married to my husband for over 10 years, and together, we have four beautiful children. A few years ago, I found out he was cheating on me. It broke my heart, but after long conversations and promises to change, I chose to forgive him for the sake of our family. I truly believed we had moved past it. However, something recently happened that has shaken me to the core. He fell ill, and we went to the hospital. After the doctors took a blood sample, he turned to me and quietly asked if they had also tested for HIV.
That question caught me off guard. It felt strange and out of place, especially since we were there for a different health issue. Since then, I have not stopped thinking about it. Why would he be so concerned about an HIV test? Is there something he is not telling me? Could he be cheating again and possibly putting my life at risk? How can I confront these doubts without jumping to conclusions, and what measures can I take to protect myself emotionally and physically if my fears are true?
Mary
Dear Mary,
Ten years in a marriage is quite commendable, and your forgiving spirit has no doubt contributed to the longevity of the relationship thus far. At stake, considering your letter, are trust, your health, and the firm foundation of your family at this 10-year mark in your marriage. If your concerns were based solely on rumours about your husband, you might have reason to second-guess your gut feeling or intuition. However, gut feelings, even without concrete evidence, are often accurate. In this case, there is evidence to warrant your concern. Mary, you are only human, and, understandably, you may not imagine any other cryptic reason why your husband would be uneasy about the topic of an HIV test. Here is why your concern is valid; first, there is a history of infidelity in your relationship, even though you forgave and moved on. Secondly, the question about an HIV test is not out of line when you consider the basic evidence you now have. So, your discomfort and suspicion are reasonable.
In matters such as this, evidence is crucial, and in your case, the sooner it is obtained, the better. You need to know your HIV status. Why is this critical? If the result is negative, you still have the opportunity to insist that your husband be tested before resuming sexual intimacy. But if it is positive, you can begin preparing to live positively, with the clarity of that evidence, you can organise your life, start taking ARVs, and take other health steps to ensure that you raise your children and live longer. To eliminate any lingering doubts, some people opt to test from multiple reputable health centres. There was once someone in a similar situation who tested positive at one clinic, but on a friend’s insistence, sought further testing at more reputable facilities and the results were negative. So, eliminating uncertainty about your status is key. Now, let us talk about your emotional concerns.
This may be the toughest part, not just for you, but for many others in similar circumstances. You are dealing with betrayal, sadness, sleeplessness, and possibly depression. The way individuals cope with these feelings can significantly affect their mental health and even their ability to accept treatment, should they test positive. What can help? A proper testing facility should have HIV/Aids counsellors who prepare you for the outcomes of the test. But even after testing, it is highly recommended that you see a professional counsellor. It is essential to seek out a qualified and trained professional, because those without proper training can inadvertently do more harm than good. A professional counsellor can help you process the range of difficult emotions you may be experiencing, such as guilt, pain, low self-worth, broken trust, and more.
They also help you navigate your relationship, especially if a new reality, like testing positive, emerges. But what if you are negative? You still cannot ignore the signs. You will need to have an open discussion with your husband about trust and infidelity, and ask that he also get tested to ensure all is well. Be honest about how you feel and how things appear from your perspective so that he is aware of your concerns. I also sense that you may be hesitant to confront your doubts out of fear of the possible outcome. Even so, it is still a good idea to visit a counsellor who can help you plan the best way forward in approaching this dilemma. The longer you delay resolving this, the harder it may become to deal with, all while increasing the risk of further implications on your health and your family.
Reader advice
Talk to your husband
Grace Mukisa. When my husband acted strangely before a medical checkup, it turned out he had been unfaithful and feared the consequences. I got tested for HIV, thankfully, I was negative. I advise you to calmly talk to your husband again. Do not accuse, just express your fears and insist on both of you testing together. Protect your health first. Use protection until you are sure.
Tell him to go for test
Robert Kironde. Ten years of marriage and four children is no small journey. I once counselled a woman whose husband’s secrecy nearly cost her life. When doubt creeps in, it is better to confront it with honesty than silence. Ask him openly what he meant by the HIV question. If he dodges or lies, that is your red flag. Let him know you will be getting tested and would like him to join. Be firm but loving.
Choose yourself
Stella Ntambi. I learnt the hard way. My husband’s affair exposed me to HIV. I kept trusting and delaying the talk until it was too late. The truth is, if your gut tells you something is wrong, do not ignore it. Get tested. Do not wait for him. And consider counselling, even on your own, to deal with your emotions. If he is putting your life at risk again, it is okay to choose yourself this time. Forgiveness does not mean tolerating repeated betrayal.
Talk to a friend
Peter Matovu. In many cases, subtle signs, such as your husband’s question about HIV, are the first clues that something deeper was wrong. Mary, you need to protect your rights and health. Quietly document his behaviours. If you can, visit a clinic and get tested. Talk to a trusted friend or a professional for support. Your marriage is a partnership, not a trap. If he has broken the trust again, you deserve clarity, safety, and peace.
Make the right choices
Agnes Lyatu. He is scared because he knows something. This is not about being suspicious; it is about being safe. Talk to someone you trust. And do not let guilt or fear stop you from making the right choices. You still have a full life ahead.
You deserve the truth
David Walakira. I used to be that man. I cheated. I thought I was being careful, but deep down I feared I might have messed up. That is why your husband asked about HIV; he knows he did something. When my wife confronted me, calm and clear, it shook me. It led to healing, but only because she demanded the truth. You deserve that too.
Demand honesty
Brenda Nambi. I lost my best friend because she kept trusting her cheating husband. Love is not blind obedience; it is mutual respect and care. If he cannot be honest with you, you need to think about your next steps. There is no shame in choosing life and walking away from pain.
