A 2023 study by The Knot Engagement and Jewelry found that more than 70 percent of couples get engaged after dating for at least two years.
Of the 5,000 couples surveyed, more than half got engaged within two to five years, suggesting this timeframe is the "sweet spot" for most relationships. Additionally, an internal study revealed that the average engagement for US couples married in 2023 lasted 15 months.
However, many couples reach a stage where one partner is ready for marriage while the other remains hesitant. This disparity often leads to a difficult question; should you issue a marriage ultimatum?
While some view it as a necessary step for clarity, others warn that it can backfire, leading to resentment or even a breakup. In today’s evolving dating culture, where traditional expectations intersect with modern relationship dynamics, the debate around marriage ultimatums is more relevant than ever.
The case for ultimatums
In some situations, a marriage ultimatum may seem necessary since for some individuals, it provides clarity and pushes the relationship forward.
“If you have been dating for years with no clear direction, an ultimatum can prompt an honest conversation,” says Sandra Nansubuga, a relationship counsellor. She explains that some partners avoid commitment indefinitely, leaving the other feeling stuck and uncertain about the future.
Alice Kisakye, who had been dating her boyfriend for five years without an engagement, felt she was wasting her time. “I told him to make up his mind, or I would walk away. One year later, he proposed. Looking back, I think he needed that push. He always wanted to marry me but had become too comfortable,” she says.
For those who feel their time is being wasted, an ultimatum can serve as a wake-up call, forcing both partners to confront their expectations and make a decision about the future.
When ultimatums go wrong
Not all ultimatums lead to a happy engagement. Daniel Mukisa, a marriage coach, warns that: “A proposal should come from a place of love and readiness, not pressure. If they say yes out of fear of losing you, then the foundation of the relationship is already shaky.”
“He was not taking the next step, so I told him that if he was not ready to commit, I would move on. To my surprise, he chose to leave. It hurt, but I realised he was not the one for me. If someone truly loves you, they will take that step without being forced,” says Joan Apio, who issued an ultimatum after three years of dating.
Ultimatums can reveal deeper issues in a relationship. A partner who remains unwilling to commit, even after years together, may have never planned to. In such cases, an ultimatum exposes the truth rather than forcing an artificial outcome.
Cultural and financial considerations
In some cultures, marriage is a significant milestone not just for the couple but their families.
“There is a lot of societal pressure, especially on women, to get married by a certain age. Because of this, many women feel compelled to push for marriage, sometimes before their partners are ready,” Mukisa says.
Additionally, financial constraints play a role. In cultures where bride price is an important aspect of marriage negotiations, some men may delay marriage not due to financial constraints.
Therefore, Mukisa notes, it is crucial for women issuing ultimatums to differentiate between reluctance and genuine constraints.
Finding a middle ground
Instead of ultimatums, experts recommend open discussions about future goals. “Rather than saying ‘Marry me or I am leaving,’ try ‘I see marriage in my future. What are your thoughts on that?’” suggests Mukisa.
Honest conversations about relationship expectations can provide clarity without unnecessary pressure. If one partner views marriage as essential while the other does not, it may be time to evaluate long-term compatibility.
Kisakye and her now-husband took this approach. “I was clear about my expectations. I told him that if marriage was not in his plans, we should not waste each other’s time. He needed some time to reflect, and a year later, he proposed because he truly wanted to, not because he was forced,” she says.
Signs an ultimatum might work
While ultimatums are risky, they can sometimes be effective if handled properly. Here are some signs that giving one might be appropriate:
Your partner has expressed a desire to marry you but keeps postponing without a valid reason.
You have been together for many years with no effort to discuss or plan for marriage.
Your partner is comfortable in the relationship but avoids serious conversations about the future.
When to walk away
If your partner does not want marriage and you do, it may be time to walk away. Staying in a relationship with someone who does not share your long-term goals can lead to frustration and resentment.
“Love is important, but so is compatibility,” says Daniel Mukisa, a marriage coach. “If your values and goals do not align, forcing someone to marry you will not change that.”
Marriage should be a mutual choice, not an obligation. If one partner is not ready, it is better to understand why rather than issue an ultimatum.
“And if commitment is not on the horizon, knowing when to walk away can save you from future heartbreak,” says Sandra Nansubuga, a relationship counsellor.
ALTERNATIVES
Setting boundaries: Whereas ultimatums focus on behavioural changes we want our partner to make, boundaries focus on us and the things that we require to be happy and feel secure in our relationship. In particular, communicating our worries or displeasures to our partners can do wonders for our grievances in the relationship. It also helps promote our growth as a couple.
Communication: It is important to state clearly how their actions and behaviour affect us. We also benefit from sharing our hopes for the relationship in a trusted way. Together, both of these approaches can help us get all the cards on the table.
