He has failed to accept that my child is his child too

Ours is a blended family. He came with two daughters while I brought my three-year-old son. We are yet to get a child of our own but we have been living peacefully until I noticed a sudden change. He no longer treats my son as his own. He has hinted that I should take him back to the father because he has become a burden. I do not have any problems with his children. How can I make him see that my boy too is his child?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Unlike a first marriage, a blended family comes with its challenges - such as the couple trying to be accommodative to the other spouse’s child or children and at the same time trying to keep the new love alive. This is very common and I would like to let you know that you are not alone.

Generally speaking, relationship building takes time, and do not expect that your family will unite overnight, sometimes it might take longer than expected.

Children’s welfare in a marriage whether blended or not depends on the quality of their parent’s relationship.

If possible it is much easier when a couple takes time to discuss how exactly they would love to handle the issue of children coming from their previous relationships before they even get married or move in.

However, if this part is skipped, it instead leaves a lot of unsorted future issues in the relationship.

I am not sure if you and your partner had agreed on how you will run a blended family but in case you did not, ask him out for dinner or coffee and let him know that you would love to discuss matters concerning the family.

In a nonjudgmental way, bring up the subject of the children. Let him know how you feel about taking your son back to the father.

Listen to his part of the story without interruption, how the three-year-old is a burden to him such that you will be able to know if it is just the child or it is only a projection of a different issue in the relationship.

Avoid bringing up the negative behaviors of his children as this will only end up in a heated debate.

Keep the conversation clear and depending on the reasons you may not trust your young son to stay with his biological father at the moment and how this makes you feel.

Another thing to take note of is what has changed? Could it be financial, some other stressors?

These can sometimes lead to projecting anger elsewhere including on children and it is important to take time and understand what is happening currently.

Parents in a blended family such as yours need support when issues get tough. Both of you need to have mentors or people you turn to for support and in case this is difficult consult a professional counselor to offer you a non-judgmental environment in which you will be able to discuss the issue in a more secure way. 

In a long run, both of you have to get used to parenting the others children but as I mentioned above, this kind of adjustment requires large doses of support from each of you. 

You should both let each other know how exactly you would love your spouse to treat each other’s children say issues to do with indiscipline.

Keep the rules, rewards, and consequences the same for every child and be consistent. With the right attitude, you and your partner can together have a happy blended family and in case things keep getting worse seek professional support.

Reader advice

Prioritise your son

Phoebe Miriam

The truth is no man should deceive you he loves you when he cannot love your child! He has been pretending all along but he cannot live a lie forever! Girl,  if you have taken his daughters as your own kids but he cannot love your son as his,  it’s time to go back to the drawing board and sort things out! Sit with your husband and find out why he wants your son to grow with a step mom! If he fails to accommodate you both I would advise you to prioritize your son! Set your husband free and focus on raising your son. You can find love later!

Take him back

Atwine Sheillah Ckay

Your boy is not his son, take him back to his father so that he connects with his own blood.

Have a baby with him

Joseph Opio Igwe

It takes a real man to care for another man’s son like his own. In the wild, when a lion takes over a pride with cubs, his first instinct is to get rid of them. I guess it’s genetically primed in males to look at others as competition. Try to make a baby together; if you are lucky and it’s a boy, he is most likely to change since he will no longer look at your son as a future threat. Still if it is not a boy, the baby will be a uniting factor for the both of you. Right now it just seems to be a union of convenience.

He is unreasonable

Namubiru Letisher

If you entered the relationship with your son, then the man is unreasonable .It takes a lot of courage to now send away your boy.

He is not his son

Muhwezi Akim

But he is not his child and that is the truth. If he and your son have failed to click, sister look for what to do with your son before this breaks your marriage. That’s the truth

Loose the marriage

Ha Lima Ssenyondo

That man will always look for issues to break the marriage.  I cannot imagine that woman loosing that marriage after loosing the son. Its better you loose the marriage at once because that man will disappoint her but the son will never.

Did you hide the boy?

Josiane Uwase

He should have left her alone before marrying her. He knew she had a son! Unless she had hidden it from him. A child belongs with whichever parent is doing their best to nurture them, not a certain danger.

Take him back to father

Atwine Sheillah Ckay

But for how long is she going to move from man to man yet he can have a peace of mind at his father’s house?