My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for two years. The other day, I got ready for work, said goodbye to him, and left. Just as I was about to get in the car, I realised I had forgotten my breakfast, so I went back inside. I popped into our bedroom for one last kiss goodbye, and that is when I saw something really strange. He was in the bathroom, but instead of sitting down to do his business, he was holding toilet paper in his hands and pooping. I was disgusted, and when I asked him about it, he said he did not want me to hear what he was doing. Now, I am confused and worried; has he been doing this the entire time we have been together? It is so unhygienic, and I do not know if I can continue in this relationship. I feel like leaving, but I am not sure if I am overreacting. What should I do? Veronica
Dear Veronica,
First of all, I want to commend you for taking the time to reflect on your boyfriend's behaviour and seeking advice before jumping to conclusions. Understandably, his toilet-related actions have left you feeling uncomfortable. It is something that can feel out of the ordinary, and your reaction is valid, especially when it is not something you have been accustomed to or exposed to before. But your thoughtful approach, considering that there might be more to the situation than meets the eye, is admirable. Now, from what you have shared, it seems that your relationship is, for the most part, healthy. You are clearly in love with each other, and that is evident in how you sought an extra goodbye kiss after forgetting your lunch. That is a gesture that happens between two people who genuinely care about each other. So, even though this situation has raised some concerns, it is important to remember that it does not necessarily define your relationship as a whole.
Your boyfriend's explanation that he does this "all the time because he does not want you to hear what he is doing" may sound strange, but there is a psychological condition known as Parcopresis, which could be related to this behaviour.
Parcopresis is a type of anxiety disorder where people feel unable to defecate in public or around others due to fear of being observed or heard. Those with this condition often go to great lengths to avoid the embarrassment of being noticed while in the bathroom. So, while it may seem odd, there might be an underlying reason for his actions that you might not have been aware of. Another possibility is that cultural or personal preferences around bathroom habits could be influencing his actions. People from different cultural or religious backgrounds might have different approaches to using the toilet. Some people, for example, prefer to use water to wash after defecation rather than just toilet paper. This is not something that is widely discussed but is common in certain cultures, and it could be why your boyfriend behaves the way he does.
Additionally, past traumatic experiences related to using toilets could have shaped how your boyfriend approaches his bathroom habits. For some, negative associations with sitting on toilets can cause them to act in ways that might seem unusual to others. In short, there could be multiple factors behind his behavior that have little to do with your relationship. So, what should you do with this information? First, you have been in a relationship with him for two years, and this behaviour did not seem to be an issue before. If everything else in your relationship is strong, this one private habit may not be something that should define your relationship. You might want to ask yourself whether this difference in toilet habits is something you are willing to overlook for the sake of the love and connection you share. Does his hygiene in other areas raise concerns for you? Is he a kind, loving person outside of this? If so, this might just be a small quirk that does not have to be a dealbreaker.
Second, have you considered talking with him about seeking professional help? Since this might be a psychological or emotional issue such as Parcopresis, a counsellor or therapist could offer him the support he needs. It would show a great deal of empathy on your part to approach the situation with understanding and compassion, rather than frustration. In the meantime, you two could come up with ways to maintain cleanliness and hygiene that work for both of you.
Lastly, it is possible that you are not ready to walk away, but you are unsure of how to handle this issue. If you want to give the relationship a chance despite his bathroom habits, you might find it helpful to speak with a professional yourself, either alone or as a couple, to work through your feelings. It is okay to seek guidance in navigating the situation, and doing so could help you process this in a healthy, constructive way. Ultimately, you may decide that this is something you cannot live with, and that is okay. It is important to make your decision based on a clear understanding of the situation, factoring in both your feelings and the possible underlying reasons for his actions. If you choose to move forward with the relationship, you both must respectfully address the issue to avoid any unnecessary strain or hurt feelings. Whatever you decide, make sure it is a choice that feels right for you.
READER ADVICE
Communication is key - Grace Nabirye. Try to understand your boyfriend’s behaviour with empathy. It might be linked to anxiety or cultural differences. Discuss it calmly with him and encourage professional help if needed. If you value the relationship, communication and understanding are key to navigating this challenge together.
Seek professional help - Moses Ochieng. Your boyfriend’s actions could be related to anxiety or a deeper issue such as Parcopresis. Approach him with care and suggest professional help if needed. Consider whether you can accept this behaviour as part of your relationship. Empathy and open communication will help you both find a solution.\
Is he a ritualist? - Jordaner Kitenge Fabrics. You need to understand that this is not just a matter of coincidence. There is more to this than meets the eye. He is not just anyone; he is a ritualist, and these kinds of people are often involved in things that are hard to comprehend for those on the outside. It is not about simply hearing or seeing things in the usual way; these are things that often happen under cover, in ways most people would not even notice or believe.
Work through it - Amina Bukenya. Veronica, try to understand your boyfriend’s actions from a place of empathy. His behaviour may stem from past experiences or anxiety. Have an open, non-judgmental conversation with him and suggest therapy if needed. Relationships require patience, and love can help you both work through challenges together.
There is a reason why - Daniel Kyeyune.It is essential to communicate openly with your boyfriend about your discomfort. His actions could be linked to anxiety or an experience. Encourage him to seek help and discuss ways to handle the situation together. With patience and understanding, this can be worked through.
You must compromise - Rebecca Namuganza. Your boyfriend’s behaviour may be a result of anxiety or cultural differences. Approach the situation with empathy and have an honest conversation about how you feel. Suggest seeking professional help if needed. Relationships require compromise, and open communication is crucial to overcoming challenges together.
No one is perfect - Joseph Mukasa. This is not reason enough to end a relationship. The good thing is that he did not deny anything or try to cover up his behaviour. It could be worse and i am sure even you have habits that you would like to stay hidden. You will never find a perfect partne
