By setting aside emotions, you can achieve clarity in decision-making. PHOTO | MOCAH.ORG
When I met my husband, I had a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for three years now, but he has never truly accepted or loved my child. He is distant toward her and recently suggested that I take her back to her father, which is not an option for me. This is causing a lot of emotional distress for both my daughter and I. How can I address this situation with him and help him understand that my child is a part of my life? What steps can I take to improve our family bond? Christine
Dear Christine,
When people enter a new relationship, and since you call him “husband,” I assume yours is a three-year-old marriage, and you come with a child from a previous relationship, that new setup becomes a blended family.
By nature, blended families present unique challenges compared to non-blended families. Emotional bonds in any family are developed and nurtured through shared experiences in the same environment. These bonds grow over time as family members interact and navigate situations together. However, blended families may encounter hurdles that can hinder the development of strong emotional connections in ways that non-blended families might not.
More directly to your situation, you have not mentioned whether you have a child or children with your husband. If you do, this could be a potential challenge. Why? The tendency to compare biological and stepchildren is not uncommon in blended families. One parent may project into the future and question whether they can fully embrace and take responsibility for a child who is not biologically theirs while also providing for their biological child.
Some individuals struggle to accept stepchildren due to personal experiences that shaped their views. Others may feel that the presence of a stepchild keeps the child’s biological parent, in this case, your ex, perpetually in the picture, which can be uncomfortable.
In your case, if your daughter's biological father is still alive, completely cutting off ties with him may not be possible.
Additionally, as a biological parent, you may, without realising it, exhibit overprotective behaviour toward your child. This can create feelings of insecurity in your husband, leading to a detached or negative attitude toward the stepchild. Addressing this issue requires deliberate and thoughtful action.
First, try to understand why your husband reacts this way. Doing so will provide clarity on how to address the situation. What were his childhood experiences? What are his concerns? What assurances can you give him beyond simply stating your daughter must stay with you? Demonstrating empathy or seeing things from his perspective can help in fostering a constructive discussion.
Your approach to this issue also matters. Do you become defensive? It is natural to feel defensive, but emotional reactions in sensitive matters can create distance rather than resolution. Avoiding heated emotions can help ensure the conversation remains productive.
Is there a trusted family member, friend, or mature individual who can mediate and facilitate discussions? Seeking assistance from such individuals may provide a fresh perspective and help you both find a way forward.
You have not explained why your daughter cannot live with her biological father, but perhaps you fear she may have difficulties adjusting to a stepmother.
However, if convincing your husband proves impossible and this issue threatens your marriage’s stability, is there an alternative? Could your daughter temporarily live with someone you trust while you continue to care for her? Her temporary absence might allow your husband to experience a different dynamic, potentially making it easier to reintroduce the conversation at a later time. In such cases, time and absence can work as strategic tools.
This situation is sensitive and emotionally charged. You may not be able to get your husband to love your daughter in the way you desire. Instead, aim for understanding, patience, and adaptability.
By setting aside emotions and objectively evaluating all sides of the problem, you can achieve clarity in decision-making.
Balancing both your daughter’s well-being and your marriage’s stability requires ingenuity, patience, and flexibility. With a thoughtful and adaptable approach, it is possible to maintain both relationships harmoniously.
READER ADVICE
Have a discussion - Miriam Nalwanga. Your husband’s reluctance to bond with your daughter is a serious concern that requires open communication. Sit him down and express how much this situation hurts you. Help him understand that your daughter is not a temporary part of your life; she is your family. Seek professional counselling together to explore his reservations and work on practical ways to build their relationship.
Patience is required - Paul Ssebunya. I was in your husband’s position once, and it took time for me to bond with my stepdaughter. I suggest encouraging small but meaningful interactions between them. Let him be involved in her life; perhaps by helping with homework or playing a game together. It is also important that he feels valued as a father figure rather than an outsider. Patience, encouragement, and small moments of connection helped me become the father she needed.
You have to choose - Stella Namubiru. I was in a similar situation, and I had to choose between my partner and my child’s well-being. My daughter was hurting from the rejection, and no matter how much I tried to make things work, he never truly accepted her. I finally realised that a loving home includes everyone, not just selective love. If your husband is unwilling to embrace your daughter, you need to ask yourself if this is the right environment for her. Children remember how they were treated. Do not let your daughter grow up feeling unloved in her own home.
Do family activities - Dr Andrew Kasozi. Blended families take time and effort to bond. Your husband may feel like an outsider or unsure about his role as a stepfather. The key is to create shared experiences without forcing the relationship. Encourage family activities where they can interact naturally such as cooking, playing board games, or going on outings. Avoid making comparisons to her biological father, as this can create resentment.
Pray together - Rev John Ssekandi. Pray together and ask your husband to reflect on his role as a father figure. Speak to him with kindness but firmness, emphasising that your daughter is a blessing, not a burden. Encourage him to seek wisdom from other stepfathers in the community.
Talk to your daughter - Noelina Nabukalu. Children can sense when they are not wanted, which can lead to deep psychological scars. Talk to her openly and reassure her that she is loved. At the same time, have a serious conversation with your husband about the long-term impact of his behaviour. Encourage small, positive interactions between them, such as asking him to compliment her artwork or include her in casual conversations
