Building a strong, fulfilling relationship relies on communication, patience, and understanding. PHOTO | WWW. PEXELS.COM
I share a deep bond with my husband and love him dearly, but I often feel emotionally unseen and unappreciated. He is not naturally romantic, and while I do not expect grand gestures, I long for simple reassurance that he notices me. When I change my hairstyle or put in extra effort to look good, he rarely acknowledges it. Our conversations also lack warmth, as he speaks to me in the same manner he would with male friends. Physical affection is another challenge; his touches feel unintentional and rough as if he is unaware of their impact. Though I believe he loves me, his way of expressing it does not align with my emotional needs, leaving me feeling neglected. How can I encourage a more affectionate and emotionally connected relationship? Jane Rose
Relationships can be complex, and it seems you are navigating a common challenge many couples face. The fact that you recognise your husband’s love, even when his way of showing it does not always meet your expectations, is a brilliant starting point. Building a strong, fulfilling relationship relies on communication, patience, and understanding.
One of the most effective ways to express your feelings without making him feel defensive is by employing "I" statements. Rather than saying, "You never notice anything I do," which might put him on the defensive, consider saying, "I feel unappreciated when my efforts go unnoticed." This manner of expression conveys how you feel without sounding accusatory, thus keeping the conversation open and constructive rather than devolving into a blame game.
Listening is equally important as speaking. When sharing your feelings, ensure you provide him with space to respond. Even if you do not entirely agree with his perspective, attempt to understand his viewpoint. Relationships flourish when both partners feel heard and valued. Instead of assuming how he feels, pose open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about this?" or "What do you think we could do to enhance our communication?" This fosters a two-way conversation rather than a one-sided discussion.
Moreover, bear in mind that people do not always know what we need unless we convey it. It is easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to just “know” what is wrong or what we require from them. However, if he has not been explicitly told how you feel, he may genuinely be unaware of what is lacking from your perspective. Rather than waiting for him to deduce this, share your needs clearly and gently.
A great resource that could assist both of you in understanding each other better is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book describes the various ways individuals express and receive love, through words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. You may discover that your love language differs from his. Perhaps he shows love through acts of service, such as providing for the family or fixing things around the house, while you might feel most loved through words of affirmation. Grasping each other’s love language can be transformative and enhance your connection on a deeper level.
Another beneficial approach is positive reinforcement. Individuals are inclined to repeat behaviours that are appreciated. If he makes even a small effort, recognise it. A straightforward, "Thank you for noticing my hair today; it truly made me feel good," can make a significant impact. When he observes that his efforts bring you happiness, he’s more likely to continue those behaviours.
Do not overlook the importance of self-care. Taking care of yourself is essential. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of your marriage. Whether it is spending time with friends, picking up a hobby, or simply taking time to unwind, these pursuits will help you feel happier and more balanced. When you feel good about yourself, you naturally infuse positive energy into your relationship. Furthermore, it alleviates some of the pressure from your husband to be your sole source of emotional support.
READER ADVICE
Have a conversation - Sophia Mukasa. Have an open conversation where you share specific examples of what makes you feel loved. Men often respond better to direct guidance. Also, observe how he expresses love, maybe through acts of service or providing for you. Acknowledge those efforts and gently introduce new ways to connect such as affectionate touches or words of affirmation.
Lead by example - Grace Waruguru. My husband is a great provider but was emotionally distant. I started leading by example; hugging him warmly, giving compliments, and saying ‘I love you’ even when he did not. At first, he was awkward, but eventually, he mirrored my actions. I also made it a habit to tell him when something made me happy, like, ‘I love it when you hold my hand.’ Instead of waiting for him to change on his own, I encouraged him through small, consistent actions. Over time, it worked.
Show appreciation - Robert Muli. Your husband may not realise how much his actions (or inaction) affect you. Some men grow up without seeing emotional expressions modelled for them. Instead of expecting him to ‘just know,’ introduce small habits that foster connection. Try a daily check-in; before bed, ask,‘ What was the best part of your day?’ This creates warmth in conversations. Also, expresses appreciation when he does something affectionate, even if small.
Make it fun - Olivia Kintu. I noticed early in my marriage that my husband did not compliment me or show much physical affection. I realised he was not doing it intentionally; he just was not used to it. I started pointing things out humorously, like ‘Hey, new hairstyle! You have 10 seconds to compliment me before I charge a fee!’It lightened the mood and made him notice me more. Over time, he got better at expressing love. Try making it fun instead of feeling hurt, and you might see results faster than you expect.
Learn his love language - Esther Ntambi. I learnt about the five love languages, and it changed my relationship. I realised my husband’s love language was acts of service, while mine was words of affirmation. He thought fixing my car showed love, while I longed for compliments and affection. I sat him down and said,‘ I see your love in how you take care of me, but I also need to hear it and feel it. Once he understood, he made an effort.
Do not pressure him - Linda Nsamba. I struggled with the same thing for years. I tried everything; talking, complaining, even crying, but nothing worked. Then I stopped expecting and started appreciating. Men respond to positive reinforcement, not pressure. A small shift in how you communicate can bring out the romantic side of your husband, even if it is hidden deep inside.
