My husband is wonderful in many ways and can be very romantic. However, he often makes hurtful comments about my recent weight gain. I have tried explaining how much his words hurt me, but he either brushes it off as a joke or accuses me of being too sensitive. I am starting to feel insecure, even though I love him and value our relationship. How can I help him understand the impact of his remarks without escalating the issue? I want to address this without straining our bond further. Concerned wife
Dear concerned wife,
The tendency of people to make negative comments about others' weight is called "fat-shaming." In extreme cases, it can lead to depression, eating disorders, and other mental health challenges.
Let me first commend you for being self-aware, acknowledging that your husband's comments hurt you, and seeking ways to address the situation. I also see that you have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems the context of your conversations may not be helping him take you seriously.
Your letter does not clarify whether the weight issue arose later in your marriage, perhaps due to childbirth or lifestyle changes, or whether it is something that has been part of you all along.
However, you mentioned that he still loves and cares for you, which suggests that, from his perspective, your weight is not the central issue in your relationship.
That being said, from your perspective, his comments could eventually make your weight an issue that affects how you feel about yourself and your relationship. If these comments continue unresolved, they can erode your self-esteem and the value you place on yourself, which will inevitably impact the quality of your relationship. This is especially true when the comments come from someone so significant in your life.
Seeking help is a great first step. The core issue here seems to be that you are not being heard. The problem is not that he does not care, but that he may not be taking your feelings seriously. One key obstacle might be the way you are communicating with him. I have a few suggestions that might help make him take you more seriously:
Suggestion one: Consider writing him a letter or email. Express your love for him while also clearly outlining how his comments affect you. Show him how these remarks are impacting the relationship and emphasise how they could undermine your connection over time.
Suggestion two: You could reach out to a close friend or someone significant in both of your lives, someone he listens to, and ask them to speak to him on your behalf. This could help make him realise that you are serious about needing change.
Suggestion three: Try enlisting his support in addressing the weight issue together. Approach the conversation positively; ask him how you both could work together to improve your health, possibly suggesting activities such as walking or other exercises. This might turn a negative situation into one that draws you closer.
Some might suggest a more assertive approach, firmly telling him that your weight is not open for discussion. However, given that you are seeking a more subtle solution, this may not be the most effective strategy. A calm, thoughtful discussion could go further in preserving the relationship and resolving the issue.
In the end, relationships are built not only by actions but by the words we use. Unfortunately, words can also be used to tear down, sometimes unintentionally, especially when left unaddressed for too long.
7.5 Prevalence. To find out how changes in relationship status affect body weight and when couples gain most weight, researchers from the Max Planck Institute for Human Development, the University of Mannheim, the University of Leipzig, and the German Institute for Economic Research (DIW Berlin) have analysed data collected from 20,000 adults over a 16-year period. Their findings have been published in the journal Health Psychology. Results show that an unmarried man who is slightly overweight before moving in with a partner will gain an average of about 7.5 kilogrammes over four years each of cohabitation, marriage, separation, and divorce. That increases his general mortality risk by up to 13 percent.
READER ADVICE
You are worthy of love - Linda Kitaka. After my second baby, my husband kept making comments about my weight gain, and it hurt me deeply. Instead of fighting with him, I decided to shift the focus. When he made a negative remark, I would respond with,‘ I would rather talk about something positive, like our plans for the weekend.’ Over time, he stopped. I also started dressing in ways that made me feel beautiful, not for him, but for me. If you feel like working on your fitness, do it for yourself, not because of his comments. And most importantly, remind yourself every day that you are worthy of love.
He spoke the truth - Nipra Mubiru. The problem with some women is that when someone tells you the truth, you prefer they lie to you instead .When he finds someone with the size he desires, you will be upset. Take his words seriously; work on yourself to avoid regrets. Exercise together Praise Alex. You might want to consider asking him to accompany you to the gym. That way,you can both work together on reaching the weight he likes, which could help strengthen your bond. It is a chance to get back to the size he prefers, while also improving your health.
Try to lose the weight - Joseph Kyebayiga. Simply hit the gym and focus on losing a bit of fat to get back to your desired size. It is not as hard as it sounds, and in the end, it will benefit both your health and the relationship. It is a win-win situation for both of you.
Rethink the marriage - Nozulu Sikhosana. You should not ignore the emotional toll this is taking on you. If he is emotionally abusing you by making such comments, you need to rethink the relationship. A partner who truly loves you would never make you feel this way. Prioritise your emotional well-being and consider moving on if necessary.
Watch what you eat - Sheillah Ckay Atwine. Pay close attention to what you are eating and consider going to the gym. If he keeps joking about your weight, there is a deeper truth to it; he probably wants you to be the size you were when you first met. If you value the relationship, take action now, and make changes for both your health and his preferences.
Lose weight for health - Phoebe Miriam. You might want to consider hitting the gym as soon as possible. It is clear that your current size is not what he prefers, and though he may joke about it, deep down, his feelings are more serious. Take quiet action to get back to your previous weight, and do it for your health and peace of mind.
Seek support - Joan Mukisa. If he keeps doing it, do not let his words define you.Seek support from close friends or even a counsellor if necessary
