How do I overcome masturbation?

Dear John, It is commendable that you are seeking to address this issue, especially as it begins to affect your marriage. Recognising that a certain behaviour has become compulsive is the first significant step toward healing and restoration. When a behaviour such as masturbation becomes habitual to the point of interfering with relational intimacy, it is important to examine it not just as a physical act but as a signal of deeper emotional or psychological needs that may not be fully met. Compulsive sexual behaviours can bring fleeting pleasure and lingering frustration, often accompanied by guilt or shame. Over time, this pattern creates emotional distance between partners and diminishes the desire for physical intimacy within the relationship. When one partner is more emotionally or sexually invested in a solitary habit, the other can begin to feel neglected, unwanted, or misunderstood. That emotional gap can grow, creating tension and mistrust in the marriage. The good news is that change is entirely possible, especially when both partners are willing to be honest, vulnerable, and intentional about rebuilding their connection.

Start by creating a safe space for dialogue with your spouse. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but honesty lays the foundation for trust. Express your struggles not as accusations or confessions of guilt but as a desire to reconnect and grow together. Let your partner know how you feel and your sincere intention to improve the relationship. Invite her into your healing journey rather than walking it alone. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it is an act of courage that fosters deeper emotional intimacy. Reflect on what usually triggers the compulsion. Is it boredom, stress, loneliness, or emotional distance? Being aware of the root causes helps you make more conscious choices. When the urge arises, choose to redirect your energy toward more fulfilling and productive activities, such as going for a walk, journaling, calling a friend, or engaging in a hobby. Substitute the time spent alone with intentional time together. Plan simple but meaningful experiences with your spouse, such as a lunch date, evening walks, or movie nights.

Shared experiences enhance emotional bonds and make you feel less isolated, thus reducing the need to seek comfort in solitary habits. Loneliness often feeds destructive habits. If you find yourself spending too much time alone, consider increasing social interaction. Join a small group, volunteer, or participate in activities that help you feel connected and supported. The goal is to fill your emotional and social needs in ways that uplift rather than isolate. Also, focus on cultivating emotional closeness with your wife, not just sexual intimacy. When couples invest in emotional connection, through daily check-ins, laughter, shared responsibilities, and mutual support, physical intimacy often becomes more meaningful and frequent. Engage in activities that reduce stress and promote mental well-being. Regular exercise, creative pursuits, spiritual practices, and spending time in nature can all serve as healthy outlets for emotional regulation. These activities ease anxiety and offer natural endorphin boosts, reducing the reliance on compulsive behavior for comfort or escape. Change does not happen overnight.

Breaking a habit takes time, effort, and consistency. There may be setbacks along the way, but remember, progress matters more than perfection. Celebrate small victories and forgive yourself when you slip. Shame and guilt can paralyse change, while self-compassion gives you the strength to keep going. Finally, consider seeking support from a trained counsellor or therapist. Couples therapy can offer a safe space for both of you to explore deeper issues, communicate more effectively, and rebuild intimacy. A counsellor can help you unpack the emotional layers behind the habit, restore trust, and create a shared vision for your relationship. Healing is possible, and you are already on the right path by acknowledging the problem and seeking help. The journey to deeper intimacy, trust, and joy in your marriage is not just about breaking a habit; it is about building a stronger, more loving connection.

Effects

Psychologically speaking, masturbating may become compulsive or lead to feelings of guilt. This may be especially true if masturbation is seen as immoral or wrong by your beliefs or the people around you. Compulsive masturbation, when masturbation becomes hard to resist or excessive, can affect your responsibilities and romantic relationships. If you experience either of these affects you may want to consider visiting a mental health professional to work together and create a plan of how to address the issues.

Reader advice

Pray and turn to God

Edward Muwanga. You are not alone in this battle. Many men silently struggle, but I encourage you to turn to God. Find an accountability partner in Christ who you can be honest with. Confession brings healing. Also, engage your wife in prayer and open dialogue. The devil wants to isolate you through shame, but God wants to restore your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of daily devotion and submission to the Spirit.

Talk to your wife

Sarah Matovu. John, as a woman and a wife, I can tell you; intimacy is not only about sex, it is about emotional connection. Your wife might feel unwanted, confused, or rejected. Do not let shame stop you from talking to her. Share your struggle gently. Let her into your healing process. Rekindle your bond by planning romantic activities together, such as walks, meaningful conversations, and simple affection. Masturbation can become an escape, but intimacy is built through presence and intention.

See a professional

Paul Mukisa. What you are experiencing is common for men who began masturbating early. It often becomes a coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, or boredom. If it is interfering with your marriage, therapy might be a good step. A professional can help you uncover emotional triggers and form new, healthier habits.

Find your triggers

Joanita Achieng. Let us be honest, many people masturbate, but when it becomes a substitute for real connection, it is a sign to pause and reflect. Has your intimacy with your wife become routine or emotionally distant? Try re-exploring each other, talk about fantasies, likes, and dislikes without shame. Take small steps; limit your alone time, keep the bedroom a shared sacred space, and be open with your wife about wanting to change. Improving your sex life can reignite the bond you once had.

It is possible to stop

Muhammed Kasule. I used to struggle with the same habit for years, even after marriage. I realised I had to choose between this secret pleasure and my wife’s love. I chose my marriage. I started staying busy, working out, gardening, reading scripture, and spending more time with my family. Idleness feeds temptation. Also, I deleted all the things that triggered me such as videos, pictures, even some friends. 

Break the habit

Dr James Nakabaale. Habits are hard to break, but not impossible. Start by understanding when you usually get the urge; is it when you are lonely, stressed, or bored? Then, replace that habit with something meaningful, go for a walk, call a friend, help with chores.

Be present

Levio Woods. True intimacy thrives when both partners are fully present. Choose connection over escape, and remind yourself daily of the love and purpose within your marriage.