How do I tell my husband I saw him masturbating?

What you need to know:

  • People masturbate for a variety of reasons, including the desire for sexual pleasure, stress release, and to experience private, self-focused sensations without the distraction of a partner. But when people masturbate within the context of an intimate relationship, it can be valuable to understand the motivations behind it.

My husband and I have a healthy intimate relationship but recently I found him masturbating. We have not had a discussion about it yet, but I am wondering whether I am not woman enough for him. Should I talk to him about it or is it normal behaviour? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Being married is not a ‘cure’ for masturbation. Historically, masturbation by married people was seen as taking something away from marriage (here, it is called “The secret that ruins great sex”), and often was seen as an indication that something was wrong in the relationship, especially if it involves fantasy about people other than one’s partner. Either the wife was not giving her husband what he “needed” or the husband’s desires were out of proportion for the marriage.

People masturbate for a variety of reasons, including the desire for sexual pleasure, stress release, and to experience private, self-focused sensations without the distraction of a partner. But when people masturbate within the context of an intimate relationship, it can be valuable to understand the motivations behind it.

It sounds like it is time for you and your husband to have a talk about what is important and what you both want from the relationship. Are you interested in having sex more often? Does he want sex more often? Are you “out of sync” with sexual desires? As difficult as sexual problems are, they are often the result of being “out of sync” emotionally. Are you and your husband doing things together? Do you connect emotionally on a regular basis? 

Maybe rather than address the sexual issue, you could start by planning a weekly date or time when you can connect with one another - turn off the television, make talk about work and kids off limit - and spend time together. Take time to do things that you did together during the early days of your relationship to remind you of why you are together. 

Once you start rebuilding the emotional connection and the times you talk to one another, you can address the sexual issues, the lack of sex, and see where it leads. 

However, if you think that there is still something amiss, then talk to your husband about it very honestly. Here, communication is key.

Let him know calmly that you do not like him lying to you. Once that is out of the way, have an open conversation about it. Ask him if there is something from your end that he is not liking or if there is something different that he wants you to do.

This will not only help you understand him better but working on this will also make your sex lives even more satisfying. Give yourself the opportunity to explore each other. The main aspect here is to be as honest as possible with your partner and then working through those things together.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation