I am a 26-year-old woman dating a married man, not by choice but by circumstance. A year ago, I met a charming older man who later revealed that he was married. By then, I had become emotionally attached and was struggling financially. He started paying my rent, covering groceries, and helped me when I lost my job. This made life easier, but at a cost. I am constantly hiding, lying to friends, and I feel like I have lost myself.
I cannot date freely or plan my future. He says he loves me, but I know he will never leave his wife. I feel stuck, caring for someone I cannot truly have, yet relying on him to survive. I want my independence back, but I am scared. I do not know how to walk away or where to start rebuilding. Have you ever been in a situation where survival blurred the lines between right and wrong? What would you do if you were me?
Josephine
Dear Josephine,
This sounds like an emotionally taxing situation for you. I see that you are trapped by the temporary comfort you are receiving from this man, yet at the same time, you are emotionally disturbed. My perspective would be to allow yourself to be who you truly are, against the temporary relief that is satisfying you physically and giving you constant feelings of guilt. Consider your long-term well-being.
Take into consideration the long-term impact on your mental and emotional health. The constant guilt and the inability to make genuine relationships, coupled with living in a lie, will erode your God-given peace of mind. You deserve to live authentically and free from the shackles of a deceitful situation.
Start planning your exit realistically. Begin by analysing your budget, even if it is at zero currently. Write down your needs and separate them from wants. Sometimes, you might be tempted by things that you can do without now, but they can come later at the right time. Be honest with yourself; is it possible that fear of lack is driving your choices, leaving you in a vulnerable position? Seek formal employment if you have any qualifications. Not having a job is a temporary situation.
Show up and go to offices that align with your skills. The more places you visit, the higher your chances of finding something. Start saving small amounts of money, which will buffer your income and relieve you from the stress of depending on someone else. Remember, you are not alone. Many young people are experiencing financial constraints given the current economic situation. No situation is permanent.
Today, you may lack, but with patience, you will emerge from it stronger. Hold on to hope for better days ahead. Seek support from your parents and trusted friends. While the married man offers you money in exchange for what he hopes to gain, your parents or trusted friends may give you less, but you can build upon it and feel secure in knowing you are not compromising your values.
Prepare for the emotional breakdown that might come when a relationship ends. You may face sadness or loneliness, but remember, this too shall pass. Lean on your support systems such as family as this time goes by. Do not be afraid to seek a counsellor who can offer a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions, explore your options, and help you develop adaptive coping skills. They can also help you build your self-esteem and reinforce the importance of standing by your values, even when it means facing challenges.
You deserve peace, growth, and true happiness. Remember that your worth is not defined by temporary comfort or external validation. By taking small, courageous steps toward independence and self-care, you will reclaim control over your life. Trust in your strength, seek support, and always prioritise your mental and emotional well-being. Better days are ahead.
READER ADVICE
Walk away now
Harriet Sheryl. It is better to walk away now and face life’s struggles than wait until it is too late. Imagine the cost if he dumps you after making you pregnant or leaves you as a single mother. Focus your heart and mind on searching for a job as you continue to pray for God’s guidance. It is wiser to return to your parents’ home while you look for work, especially if you cannot afford rent, than to keep depending on someone and risk being harmed through acid attacks or even witchcraft. Ask yourself; if he were to leave or even pass away (God forbid), wouldn’t life still have to go on?
Get a job, earn a living
Tina Woods. Dating him has not brought you happiness or fulfilment. So, go back to the original solution to poverty, find something productive to do and earn a living. Set yourself free while you still have the time and energy to plan your future. Many women in your situation end up at rock bottom and have to start life all over again. Move out before it is too late.
Accept to be second
Kyota Rashid Chua. The problem is that you are being selfish from the start. Why do you want him to leave his wife when you found him already married? That mentality of “one man, one woman” needs to change, if we embraced polygamy, things would run more smoothly. Accept being the second wife and love him if he truly loves you.
Get out of comfort zone
Danny Kats Deejajja. You are just mentally imprisoned. At the very least, keep searching for something to do. Step out of that comfort zone.
You can make it
Diana Nanteza. I was where you are. I thought I could not make it without him. But I left, broke and scared, and slowly, I rebuilt. I now have my own business. You will cry, yes. But every tear will teach you a lesson. You are not powerless. You are just afraid. And fear fades when you move.
Make your own money
Kevin Woods. You are intelligent and self-aware, which is your biggest asset. Use your current support to invest in yourself; learn digital skills, network quietly, research grants or internships. Set a date to be financially independent. You may feel stuck now, but with a plan, you will move forward.
He is someone’s hubby
Brenda Kyalo. I have raised two children alone selling tomatoes. It is not easy, but I sleep with a clean conscience. You do not need a man to survive, especially someone else’s husband. Start over with courage. Struggle is better than comfort bought with guilt. Your dignity is worth more than rent.
Stop hiding
Malik Muhamood. Map out a six-month exit plan, budget, side gigs, and supportive friends. Empower yourself with small, consistent steps. Real love will not keep you in the shadows. Choose healing, not hiding.
