Set aside a regular time to have money conversations with your partner, reserved solely for emotional communication and working through financial conflicts in healthy ways. PHOTO | SHUTTERSTOCK
The nature of work, money, the housing market, and life today means that many people find themselves in mixed-finance relationships. If you are in your 20s or 30s and dating, this may sound familiar; your partner might have already started their career while you are still a student, or you may own property while your partner struggles to pay the bills.
Money has an enormous influence on our lives and can dictate the power balance in relationships. Over time, this balance will likely change. Major life events such as weddings, children, homeownership, career breaks, illness, unemployment, or retirement can all affect a couple’s finances.
A 2023 survey by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy found that 55 percent of therapists are seeing an increase in couples seeking help with financial issues. It is no wonder that a new field of “money therapists” has emerged to support individuals with personal finances.
Money anxiety
Money often triggers anxieties and issues, many of which stem from our childhood experiences. If your family struggled financially while you were growing up, you may worry about not having enough money. This may lead you to seek a partner who can support you financially.
At first, this might feel secure and comforting, but over time, you might begin to resent how easily your partner earns and handles money. You may not even realise these feelings or where they come from, but it can be helpful to explore your relationship with money, your “financial attachment style,” before trying to understand your partner’s.
Financial anxieties can spiral into behaviours that harm a relationship, such as keeping secrets. If you have negative spending habits, you might feel embarrassed and hide them from your partner. Or, if you have large investments, you may feel the need to protect them. This financial secrecy, or infidelity, can break down trust in a relationship.
To avoid this, it is essential to talk about financial values and money management with your partner. Though it may be uncomfortable or challenging, especially if you come from an unequal financial backgrounds, open communication is key.
Finding a financial fit
Most couples are financially imbalanced at the outset, but this does not mean the relationship cannot work. You can develop a healthy financial relationship based on trust, acceptance, and understanding, but this requires honest and open communication.
A key piece of advice is to go deeper than just how much you earn. The amount you contribute to the relationship is less important than the financial values you share; how you view money and how you manage it. Talk about the meaning you both attach to money and how it relates to your upbringing, gender and career.
Discuss how you value the financial and non-financial contributions each of you brings to the relationship. Also, explore how you want to manage money together and what your financial goals as a couple are.
Couples therapists often talk about “couple fit” — that feeling of clicking with your partner, even when you cannot quite name it. It is the bond that makes you feel like you have found someone who meets your needs. Shared financial values are strongly linked to relationship quality and satisfaction, forming an essential part of couple fit.
If you and your partner agree on how to use your money to improve your lives and those around you, your financial motivations will be complementary. However, if one of you values money for power and status while the other does not, you may clash.
Shared money management
Sharing money management responsibilities can help you and your partner get on the same page. Research shows that couples with shared bank accounts, joint spending and savings plans experience more relationship satisfaction, fewer financial conflicts, and better sexual relationships than those who are less financially integrated.
While collaboration in money management is essential, it is also critical to maintain your financial independence.
A relationship is not a guaranteed path to financial security. Breakups can be costly, but the financial impact is lessened if you have preserved your financial independence during the relationship.
Ensure that you have a plan for maintaining your financial autonomy and securing your finances. Couples can still collaborate and be financially honest while keeping a degree of individual financial independence.
Starting the conversation
It is never too early or too late to talk about money, whether you have been together for a few weeks or decades. If you are struggling, bringing in a third party, such as a therapist, financial advisor, or trusted friend, can be helpful.
This story was originally published by theconversation.com
