I am at peace when my wife is away

My wife left with the children to celebrate the just concluded festive season and left me alone at home. However, for the time she was away, I felt so at ease. I would wake up, prepare for work and return later to no questions or disturbances. Actually, the few days she was away, I realised I can live happily without her or her drama. I am not seeing someone else but I enjoyed the peace. Now that she is back home, I want to ask her to return to the village and live there with the children. I will take care of the family’s needs and make sure I visit them every other weekend. How do I suggest this without causing a rift between us?

Anonymous                           

Dear Anonymous,

Grown-up relationships take work and I must say you are right to have those feelings. Before you get married, there are less demands from the relationship and sometimes, commitment is not a must. However, when you get married, the relationship comes with commitment and responsibility. Also, because you are two different people, you have different personalities and are different in all other ways. It is, therefore, understandable to reach this extent of feeling relief when one is away.

It is essential to know that we go through different feelings on a daily basis and sometimes, it is a phase of change or stage in a relationship.

Take a moment and think about what about your wife gets you irritated the most. Does staying in separate places solve this permanently? Or could it be that this is a short-lived experience and will change at any time?

How about if your wife said the same words to you? How would you feel? Please be honest with yourself, considering how this will affect the relationship.

It is normal to feel a bit of relief when your spouse is away and you are able to stay alone for some time. However, when you go ahead and ask them to stay longer or even suggest staying apart, this might mean something else to your partner and the relationship itself.

Distance is usually considered an enemy in most marriage relationships unless it is due to unavoidable circumstances. Take time and do a self-retrospection and find out how much you love your wife. If you still love her but are not comfortable with how she manages the home, then sit down with her and let her know what puts you off and makes you prefer to stay in separate places. This might go a long way in changing things in your family other than taking a radicle move of staying away from each other.

You can also approach a professional marriage counsellor to help you discuss what is hurting your marriage and a way forward in a nonjudgmental way.

Part of what makes up a healthy relationship is setting boundaries with your partner. There are many different types of boundaries we can set, but an important one is deciding on when you may need space from one another.

Talk openly with your partner about boundaries you want to set for time to yourself, to focus on important things such as work or self-care.

Reader advice

Family must come first

Donavan Alecs Nyakojo. I also have a good time when my wife visits her sister for some time. However, it is my responsibility to bring her back home because my children are always happy when at home. They play, watch television and talk to me about anything. I have realised that my four-year-old is very inquisitive and I would not want to miss explaining life lessons to him just because I want personal time. My children are my life and the same should apply to you.

Talk to your wife

Joseph Ikeni. Only married men can understand what you are going through. However, before you run to social media, sit down with your wife and come up with a solution that will enable you live together peacefully. Separating your family will surely end your marriage.

You need her drama

Santo Dinipro Otim. One thing I have learnt the hard way is that the habit of wanting to be alone is destructive. To be happy, no you need people around you. God has blessed you with a family and you want to separate it? One day you will miss your wife’s drama and you will regret your decision.

You are cruel

Evelyn Namakula. Try moving to the village yourself and she will make sure to visit you every other weekend. You also know you will not be able to do it and before making any decisions, always put yourself in someone’s shoes. Let your family be your first priority. If not, then suggest a separation. She deserves a man who will love and treasure her.

You should go instead

Moses Patrick Ojilong. If that is what works for you, then I have no objection. It is a personal decision. But how about you go and live in the village alone instead, and leave your wife with the children in the house. We should learn to take for ourselves what we choose for others. In my village, a cook tastes her food before serving it to others.

Find a solution together

Grace Marley Muhendo. It has to be mutual, if she prefers to stay with you, discuss how the environment can be made comfortable for you so that you do not have to stay apart. Family is meant to stay together except for reasons that cannot be controlled.

What of your children?

Patience Purple Kahukya. I think you should be the one to move as the transition will affect the children the most. I imagine they have school and friends. It is okay to want personal space but it should not come as an imposition on the rest of the family. I hope you gracefully come to an agreement.

You will regret it

Mac JB Bukenya. It is fun for now but the day no one will ever ask you where you are coming from, how your day went or where you are going, you will learn that single life is not all rosy. Appreciate her drama.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation