I fear introducing my friends to my partner

Thursday March 25 2021
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By Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa

I used to be a bad boy in the past but now, it is all behind me. I have found the woman I want to marry and settle down with. She is a simple woman, unlike the ones I have dated in the past. I want to protect her from my past and so, I have stopped interacting with my old friends. I hate it when they bring up stories from my past, especially in her presence. Am I doing the right thing?   Anonymous

Dear anonymous?

Maintaining a friend or friends even when you get married is not a bad idea, especially if the friendships are healthy since you may still need them in your life. The important thing here is to prioritise your relationship and one way to do this is through communication.

If you know that your friends will keep turning up in your life unexpectedly, it is safer to tell your fiancée about them and let her know that you no longer have ties with them and what they do such that you do not leave in fear of what they may bring up unexpectedly.  The other option would be that you gradually start limiting frequent meetings until it will be noticeable to your friends that you are a changed person. Remember, leaving or staying with your past friends is a personal decision and mostly depends on how you feel exactly like you mentioned above. 

You can become just anything that you want to be and in this case, leaving an old group that no longer matches your new interests is a healthy move. Your past does not necessarily have to dictate your future. It will be upon you to teach people how they should treat you through your behaviour meaning that your old friends will notice a change and start to respect your space.  The important thing here is to sit down on your own and analyse what will be the worst thing that will happen to you when you leave your old group ‘of bad boys’ then compare with the best thing that can happen when you leave.

See what weighs more then make an informed decision. Is it the positive or the negative? Any good friend wishes the best for you and if that is what your friends do then they should respect the boundaries where need be and short of this then revise if you must introduce your girlfriend to them.

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There is no rule that says your partner has to be part of your friend groups. It is only a matter of choice and how comfortable you are with the group. Maintain the new status of behaviour you have acquired, get to learn each other then choose if you must introduce her to your old group or not.

Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa, counselling psychologist Sermo Therapy Consult 0750074412

Reader advice

Tell her about your past

Essie Kabasa. If you really love your girlfriend, then you should have told her about your past by now and if she loves you, she will accept it. Your character moving forward should able to show the change in you otherwise if you only change your character because of someone, the real you will come out and you may end up losing her. So, first be honest to yourself. Have you really changed because of her or because of your need to? About your friends, I hope they are not acquaintances. A true friend will always stand by you and wish you the best while accepting your flaws and your change process.

Talk to your friends

Nampa Patience Natie. First talk to your friends regarding your past, they could keep quiet about it. On the other hand, your past experiences made you who you are today. If you realise she is someone who minds more about who you are now more than your past you could tell her about it.

Why are you scared?

Noelyn Princella. You cannot protect someone from something that you yourself is scared of. In the end, she will begin wondering why you are not introducing her to your friends. If you love her, come clean so that you both start the relationship on a clean slate.

Telling her is best

Beatiful Shanic.  What you are doing is really bad, and it might just lead to the demise of your relationship. We all have some weird past, but like you said, you have changed and really want to settle down. Just open up slowly and if she really loves you, then your past should not matter. Remember, change should be long-lasting for her to believe that she has fallen in love with the right man.

Set boundaries

Pretty Nabushizi. It is good that you have changed but you do not have to cut your friends off. All you have to do is to tell your friends to respect your relationship by not bringing up or talking about your past in your girlfriend’s presence.

What if she finds out?

Henry Kiramba. Just tell her the truth. If she cares about you, she will understand and both of you will move on with clear, open hearts. Telling her the truth is also better than her finding out on her own.

You can’t run from past

Stephen Rex Olukor. You are doing the right thing the wrong way. You cannot run away from your past, and I guess a good friend should know what to say and when.

Love conquers all

Henry Mugisha. My past was worse but if the person I love cannot accept it when I tell them, then it is best for us to be apart.

Love doesn’t ask why

Henry Mugisha. I believe love does not ask why or what you did in the past. Once you love someone, what matters is their future with you.



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