I feel nothing for my husband. Is this normal?

Thursday February 18 2021
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My husband and I have been married for close to five years but I have lost all feelings for him. We stay busy with our work lives and when we are together, he stays busy on his phone, I stay busy doing things I like. I do not even feel the need to work on the relationship. Is this feeling normal? 

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

The feeling is not normal at all. However, it is one of the commonest feelings, especially after the honeymoon period is over. Feeling emotionally disconnected in a marriage is more painful than when one is single.

By acknowledging the state you are in, it means you are still interested in the relationship and that is one step into healing and finding a solution. One thing to realise is that you did not wake up one morning feeling this way. This state must have developed over time.

Marriage moves through stages and at each stage, there are demands that can inflict damage on the relationship. Say you now have children, the phones like you mentioned, a demanding job or even taking up an extra course. Some of these activities can take up both your physical and emotional energies to an extent that you start either resenting your partner or not having feelings for him as you mentioned.

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For the love to stay alive, both individuals need to be intentional to keep it alive including foregoing things such as the phones. It is very easy to take it for granted just because you are able to retire to the same house and bed.

To rekindle the fire, you need to go back to the drawing board and think about what attracted you to him in the first place. Write down his good qualities and over the next month or so, make an effort to focus on all that is attractive in him rather than the upsetting things about him.

The mind has a way in which it guides the heart to be back on the right course. Communication is central in any relationship. Let your husband know what turns you on and let him do the same for you. You can also talk to your doctor to rule out hormonal issues that can affect your sex drive.

It is also good to go back for marital counselling and taking marriage classes and seminars as a couple. New couples usually end at premarital counselling, which is only at the beginning before people have stayed together. It is also important to go back for post-marital counselling, especially after spending some time together. This can enable you to handle the issues that keep affecting the bond.

Remember it takes two for marriage to work so much that sometimes you have to consider your partner’s needs over yours. Tackle this issue as a couple. You should never try to solve it alone if you are to be successful. Remember the saying that a successful marriage requires falling in love many times always with the same person.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist

Reader advice


It is common

Bos Rex Oma. This is not an isolated case. As counsellor, I have dealt with a number of such cases. I want to agree with the woman. I am not going to attempt to blame her, such feelings come as a result of longtime issues which re-occurred a number of times. It could also be that the man was the first to lose ‘interest’ and the woman followed suit.

Appreciate each other

Nampa Patience Natie. The problem here is with the two of you. Both of you have completely lost touch with the other. Instead of inquiring about how each other’s day was, you resort to social media. You can still work hand in hand to prefect this. Try to recall what brought the two of you together in the first place. I am sure one of the reasons was the communication that the two of you had. Try to revive that. Talk to him, tell him how the two of you are getting separated and in fact arrange a getaway or trip somewhere together where you will dedicate the time to each other. A time away from work, from phones. Just emphasise appreciating each other’s presence.

It could be medical

Jane Musoke. Sometimes, we women have hormonal issues which can affect our sex drive and our emotions. It might not be a bad idea to go for a thorough checkup. Make sure there are no physical causes to your moods right now. A vitamin deficiency can also be a factor. Carbohydrates and sugars can also affect moods. So, be sure to discuss your diet habits with your doctor as well.

You are a team

Jacob Matovu. A thankful heart is a happy heart. Every day, find something to thank your spouse for. Remember you are on the same team and when you are conscientious of the good in your spouse you have a successful team. Showing appreciation for what your spouse does often further encourages that same good behaviour.

Communicate

Henry Muganyizi. With marriage, you have to look for ways to renew the spark often. Without even finding time for each other, there is no way you are able to talk about the things that will keep the feelings alive. Work on your marriage by starting to communicate with your husband.

Go for a vacation

Samanya Deborah. Yes, it is normal but if possible take yourself out or go visit your parents and spend a few days there. You can also go for a vacation with him or take the children somewhere and have quality time together without any distractions.

Talk about it now

Patrick Erebu Bernard. Address the problem before it gets worse. Talk about what is not going on right now. You are both acting single and this is the reason everything is going downhill. Make time for each other and if you do not want to be married to him anymore, then end the marriage.

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