I paid off his loan and he broke up with me

Thursday February 04 2021
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Dear Heart to Heart, I am a 29-year-old lecturer and had been dating a colleague for two years. Three months back, we had our introduction ceremony and were planning our wedding. Last year, he wanted to buy a car and I took a loan for him. A week back, I paid the last installment of this loan and called to inform him. Unfortunately, he confessed he is in love with his ex-girlfriend and broke up with me. I was duped by the love of my life. What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

I can only imagine the psychological pain this has caused you. Sorry about this.  Many times well-intentioned kind acts towards the people we love are exploited and taken for granted. I just want to let you know that you are not alone, many people both male and female continue to meet this in life.

I see two scenarios here, one is that you were duped and coned of money and at the same time heartbroken when you found out that your fiancée is in love with someone else. It is essential to recognise the two separately since the loss of a relationship cannot just be swept under the carpet. It is okay to cry and mourn about this so that you can move into acceptance and be able to move on.

Cheating is totally unacceptable in any relationship and by the time one tells you they are in love with someone else, then you need to take this as a sign that they may in any case never would have been the best life partner for you. Love heightens your senses but can also cloud reasoning at large. When you are in love or in the early stages of dating, you tend to believe and justify everything about your partner.  Try not to be hard on yourself for not being able to see this coming. Instead, take this as a hard lesson as you date again in the future.

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Only lend money to your boyfriend whom you are still in early stages through legal agreement or in case you are compelled to do so, then give what you think will not hurt in case the person fails to pay back or even walks away from you.

For starters, some of these behaviours serve as red flags in a developing relation intending to be for keeps and, therefore, pick the positive side of being able to end this before marriage since divorce cuts deeper. For now, pay attention to how you feel and find help, especially someone you can talk to and will not judge you.

Through a third party, talk to your fiancée to at least return part of the money that you invested in the car. In case you sense this will drain you more, then with psychological support of a professional counsellor, go through steps of how you can let go and move on.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist

Reader advice

Forgive, move on

Hadija Dija. First of all accept it, then let it go. It may not be easy to let go, but with God’s grace you will. It is only God who heals broken wounds so stay prayerful as you wait for God’s timing. Believe me He will bring the best husband who will match your character. It is good he did not leave you with any children who would have forced you to create a bond with him.

Don’t give up on love

Brenda Boo. Move on and do not mind the money. Karma has no side. All I can tell you is that never give up on love. One day it will be like any other day but the beginning of your happiness, a God sent, loving trustworthy guy will come your way and he will make you forget about him.

He was after money

Phoebe Miriam. Fall in love with your heart but always use your head. A number of men play such tricks and this means he was only after your money. Did he sign anywhere in receipt of that money? If he did, you can sue him for obtaining money by false pretence. Otherwise, if he did not, you have to count your losses and move on.

Next time, be careful

Henry Kiramba. I am sorry about that but after that experience, never take the things you want as things you need. The two are different things.

Forgive yourself

Fazzy Majuma. The worst feeling in this world is learning that you have been used and lied to by someone you trusted. You need to forgive yourself and thank God he did not end up doing worse to you. Forgive him and move on.

Talk to someone

Latifah Sophie. He was not the love of your life. You were a ladder for him to get what he wanted. Let it hurt, share it with someone and move on. With time, you will meet someone better and trustworthy.

Good riddance

Rose Muwonge. Your heart will heal and you will find a man who deserves your love. Do not even look back, he was not worthy of your love. Money is replaceable.

A better man awaits

Okey Chima. It’s really a pity, but since you still have your life, move on. God must surely reward and give you a better person that is destined for you.

Next time, invest in you

Akasandra Lawino. Next time get a loan and buy land, put up some buildings or small business and see if your land will break up with you.

Stop playing a man’s role

Don Emma Owakabi. You do not take a loan to buy a man a car. That is what the man should be doing. Women should stop taking over men’s roles in a relationship, regardless of how much money you have.

Time will heal you

Nampa Patience Natie. He has saved you a lot by deciding to leave you. It might be hard to move on now but time heals everything.

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