I want him only for me

I love my partner. But trusting him is hard. Every time my gut feeling tells me to check his phone, I find evidence that he’s being unfaithful. He leads girls on, tells them he loves them and sometimes the conversations are even more intimate than that. It’s very hurtful considering I wouldn’t even consider doing the same to him. Is there a way to make him leave these girls forever and stick to only me? How do I get him to be faithful? Amelia Hope Namusisi

Dear Amelia,

This must be emotionally draining on you and I must say you are right to feel the way you do right now. It is disappointing to learn that the person you love is taking you for granted. Human relationships can bring us the highest joy in life but at the same time, they can be the cause of deep emotional pain and mental health issues.

Love brings fulfilment and knowing that someone loves you gives you a certain psychological satisfaction that makes life feel good. That is why there is a saying that no man is an island, meaning that even when relationships have risks, we still have to have basic trust and relate to feeling human.

The love between a man and woman is erotic and therefore dependent on how the two treat each other for it to stay strong.

An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect, and personal freedom. Violation of trust like in this case can significantly burden an individual both mentally and physically.

Loss of trust is the same as losing what we love or treasure and therefore you need to accept what you are going through, cry if you have to, and thereafter gather your strength and let your partner know how you feel about his actions.

Shouting and using a lot of energy may make you feel you have made a point but usually does not yield since you have no control over changing someone else’s behaviour. Lessen  your frustration by dealing with your own emotions, evaluate the relationship and see if you can live with what is going on or not.

The effect on you

Now that you suspect that your boyfriend is flirting with other women, continuous checking of his phone will keep you in anxiety day in, day out and this instead affects you negatively and not him.

It is also important to know that you can only do your part as a partner but you cannot force him to leave other girls.

This is his weakness as an individual and so he has to deal with it by himself since it might be deep-rooted behaviour or even peer influence.

You only have one opportunity of changing how you react and assertively let him know that you have zero tolerance for infidelity.

This means that being faithful is an individual virtue. Our values have a lot to do with our behaviours and so I want to let you know that you are not the reason he has chosen to behave in that way but instead this is a personal problem.

Do your honest part and always know that people can change and this does not mean that you are the cause, this will help you not to think that this should always happen to you but in case it does, accept what you are facing then later focus on what is the most appropriate action to take.

Ms Kharono is a Counseling Psychologist at Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation