My boyfriend doesn’t give me personal space

Thursday April 01 2021
hrt1pic
By Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past two years, and we both love each other. Problem is, he is really clingy and does not give me any personal space. He never lets me spend even a weekend by myself and wants to hang out even if I am free for an hour. I crave for me-time and feel irritated at times. Whenever I ask him to let me spend a few hours alone, he becomes emotional and feels I no longer love him. Please tell me how to deal with this situation?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Me time is about being present with yourself, mind and body. It is a conscious effort of taking time out to recharge your batteries. It gives a person time to reflect, learn and evolve. It is important to learn that the body and mind are connected and they sympathise with each other.

When the mind is sick, you feel it physically through the body by either fatigue or headache and yet while the body is sick the mind gets low. To be able to rejuvenate, a person needs “Me Time” to understand the different messages within the body and mind. This means your need for “me time “is legitimate. Sorry that your boyfriend is unable to understand that you need some time alone once in a while.

There are several reasons for a person clinging to the one they love which in most cases includes insecurity and trust issues. Communication is key in this. Re-assure him of your love and let him know that you love him and make him understand why you need “me time”. In case you have been speaking this emotionally, try to be calm while speaking about how you feel about his being around you all the time and not letting you have time to reflect upon the relationship and even personal issues.

Advertisement

You mentioned that he even becomes emotional when you talk about the topic and even feels that you no longer love him. Try to let him know that going away is majorly for the good of your mental health as a human being not that you mean bad for the relationship. The other reason could be that his love language is quality time. If so, then give the relationship quality time. Talk as much as you can, be present such that this compensates for any lost time and eventually he starts to appreciate the me-time you are asking for.

You can also try and find out the reason behind his insecurities. Seek the help of a counsellor if you find it difficult to cope with this situation yourself.

Once you find out the root cause of his clingy behaviour, it will be easier to address the issue. You can also ask him to meet his friends or identify an activity that he can do without you.

It can be difficult for him initially as he is attached to you and is used to spending a lot of time with you. But once you set the boundaries, you will slowly develop respect for each other’s time and space. This will give you many things to talk about and help you spend more quality time together.

Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa, counselling psychologist Sermo Therapy Consult 0750074412

Coping

Though a needy guy may seem to be excessively emotional, the only way you can deal with him in a civil way is, to be honest. Be sure to let him know that his attention is appreciated but that degree of attention is not something you are used to.

Reader advice

Evaluate relationship

Favor Kalm. You might have to evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. If he values you as a person, he will understand that there are boundaries that everyone must have. If he constantly crosses boundaries or overreacts when you ask for time alone, it is unhealthy and stems from his issues. You are not obligated to give all your time and space to him, just as he is not obligated to give all his time and space to you. You should sit down and talk to him about how you feel. If the thought of doing so gives you anxiety and fear, walk out of the relationship immediately. A relationship is about having healthy boundaries and respect of each other’s needs.

Talk to your boyfriend

Mercy Asasira. Talk to your boyfriend and make him understand that you at times one need space to meditate, talk to God in secret and think of other issues besides the relationship. People are battling with family issues secretly and then you want to be with someone all the time as if she is carrying your kidney or lungs. Please tell him to give you time for your personal growth.

Be independent

Dave Abe Tosin. Get a job, your own accommodation, mix with people, secure your private time, be happy, respect him and still show him you can love him unconditionally.

Enjoy while it lasts

Joel Mathew Wil. If you have your man’s attention, please enjoy it while it still lasts because within no time the tables will turn. On the other hand, men should give their women opportunity to miss and crave for them. Dating a woman is like making soup, every spice should be at added in the right quantities and at the right time.

Explain need for time

Nampa Patience Natie. Try to explain the need to spend some time alone. If he behaves like a baby, just ignore him and go on and have time by yourself otherwise if each time he requests to be spending time with you and you accept, he will keep on manipulating you.

He truly loves you

Ibrahim Seruwagi. You need to stop complaining. Such a person truly loves you and cares for you. When you love someone, there is nothing like me time.

It is not prison

Édmônd Obàlà Ôpiô. Relationships are not meant to be a prison. Every human being deserves time alone to think about themselves. Mind you, this is just a boyfriend not a husband. You deserve your time alone and if he does not see this, then maybe he is not the right person to be with.

Be firm about it

Henry Ezeh Obinna. You are not married yet and you cannot be your true self and be successful in your dreams and vision if you do not have your personal time. Make him understand this and take a firm stand. Do not mind his emotional blackmail, he will get over it with time.

Advertisement