My boyfriend inappropriately stares at other women 

I am 26 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past six years. Although he is a very caring boyfriend, I have often caught him staring at other women inappropriately, even when he is with me. Recently, we went for a date to a neighbourhood cafe and he stared at the waitress’ behind when she came to serve us. When I scolded him and threw a tantrum, he apologised and said all men do so. Is it true? What should I do under such circumstances?   Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is natural to be protective of the person you love, especially a boyfriend, husband, or wife. Your mind might even go wondering whether he really loves you that much yet he continues staring at other women. 

I would like you to know that this is an issue for many women out there when it comes to men looking at other women. I have heard women say this many times that at times they feel they should cover their men’s eyes or literally turn their cheek while driving, fearing they might cause an accident while looking at attractive women along the way. 

Relationship experts assert that this might lie in the differences between men and women than it does his feeling for his wife or girlfriend like in this case. Of course, this does not mean it is fair game for a man to stare at other women even in the face of his wife or girlfriend. I did experience this one time while with my significant other and I jokingly said; ‘don’t you think you will knock while looking at that other woman?’ 

He told me ‘by the way, I do it with no attachments and I even forget immediately.’ I noticed it is me who gets hurt and even carries this on while the other person has moved on to something else. This meant yes, he will naturally stare just like the saying goes that men are more visual than women and also carry a stronger sexual pursuit in their brains. 

Having stayed in this relationship for six years, your communication should be better now that you can be able to tell what annoys your boyfriend and what makes him happy. Throwing a tantrum might play things in your favour instantly but unfortunately, it screams insecurity and may lead to more unnecessary arguments and defensiveness. 

Instead, wait while you are not angry and let him know how you feel about his behaviour, especially if like you said, it is that noticeable. Matters discussed with a sober mind are taken more seriously since you get a chance to learn why your partner is doing something and also find out ways of supporting each other. 
 
Remember, like you said, he loves and cares for you and this means the bond and emotional connection you have established across the years is much deeper than a one-time glance at a ‘hot chic’. Be confident about yourself and even take good care of yourself such that you do not move into anxiety. 

When you overly focus on every detail about your boyfriend or girlfriend, you might end up losing self-focus and even take less care of yourself.  
Meanwhile, studies show that staring is not just a men’s thing. Women also check out other men but the difference might be in the way each stares and what they stare at. 

In case you try everything suggested and you still feel terrible when your boyfriend stares at women, meet with a relationship counsellor to find out if it is only about the staring or you have another underlying issue standing in the way of your relationship.
Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist 

Reader advice

Talk to your boyfriend
Jane Miwaga. Have an emotionless heart-to-heart with him. Find a time when everything is humming along and say,:“I’ve been thinking…” Now you have his attention. Before you go for the kill, let him know you love him and that 95 per cent of the time, he makes you feel special. It is just that this small percentage of the time, he might not even realise he stares at other women. And it is not that you do not think he has the right to peek or find others attractive, it is that when his gaze lingers, he makes you feel hurt. Believe me, no man wants to be responsible for making a woman feel hurt.

Do the same as well
Annet Mukisa. You could do the same and have him see from personal experience what it feels like. My boyfriend makes comments on occasion about actresses or people on TV, but as soon as I do the same about some man, he changes his tune completely, and all of a sudden, it is all about us again. Maybe I am naive but I believe you should be the most important, most beautiful person to him, and you should feel the same way back. If not, something is not quite right.

Dump him asap
Peter Kalungi. This man is a womaniser. Dump him before it is too late. I have known so many men who have this wandering eye and all of them cheated on their wives eventually. Tread carefully.

Tell him how you feel
James woods. The occasional glance, or harmless flirtation with a waitress to get better service is nothing to worry about. You should, however, get worried if he takes it further by maybe, asking for that woman’s phone number. All in all, talk to your boyfriend and let him know these things hurt your feelings.

How does he react?
Trey Simon. The big test for me is how he reacts when you say something about it. If he gets on the defensive (and you have mentioned it to him in a nonjudgmental or passive-aggressive way), then that is a sign that something is amiss, not only with his looking but probably something much bigger. I would really want to check into that before I go much further into the relationship.

Avoid being insecure
Ann Kasozi. As long as you have self-confidence, such things should not bother you. I personally let my hubby look when a beautiful woman passes by and it is okay. I am past that level of insecurity. Besides, there is nothing much you can do about it. 

It is human nature
Patience Natie Nampa. You need to know that irrespective of him being in a relationship with you, he cannot fail to get attracted to someone else. It is human nature. All you need to do is focus on what you have with him.

He is still searching
Phoebe Miriam. Six years? It is obvious he is never going to settle down with you. Please wake up and move on. In his mind, he is still single and searching.