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My boyfriend is very quarrelsome

Distancing yourself emotionally from his behaviour will help you recognise it as toxic. PHOTO/NET

What you need to know:

  • Engaging in counselling can foster mutual understanding, deepen intimacy, and lay a solid foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.

I have been in a relationship for three years, but my boyfriend is very quarrelsome and easily gets angry over small issues. When he hurts me, he insists that a man is always right and never apologises. He even tells me to find someone who will never hurt me. As a result, I feel unwanted and unappreciated. My love for him is slowly dwindling. Should I move on, or should I believe that he will change? NM

Dear NM,


I t seems you are in a challenging relationship that could potentially be emotionally harmful. Remaining in such a situation may expose you to further emotional abuse. Healthy relationships are founded on mutual respect, open communication, and a shared commitment to resolving issues together. These key elements appear to be missing in your relationship, based on what you have shared. Your partner’s constant quarrelling, refusal to apologise, and insistence that he is always right are classic signs of emotional abuse. Psychologists often identify these as red flags in relationships. Additionally, there seems to be a lack of respect for your boundaries.

In healthy relationships, boundaries should be honoured, especially when one partner is hurting. If your boyfriend consistently disregards your boundaries, it is crucial to consider whether this relationship is truly right for you. Another significant concern is the potential impact on your self-esteem. Prolonged exposure to a toxic relationship can normalise abusive behaviour, gradually diminishing your sense of selfworth.

This erosion of self-esteem can leave you vulnerable to mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. It is also unlikely that he will change quickly, as these behaviours may stem from unresolved childhood trauma. Such trauma often leads to insecurities that can negatively affect relationships.

 Research indicates that many adults are burdened by unaddressed generational trauma. Healing from these issues requires self-awareness and professional counselling. Given that he has exhibited this behaviour for three years, it is unlikely that he will change drastically without intervention. For now, prioritise your mental health and well-being. Distancing yourself emotionally from his behaviour will help you recognise it as toxic. Set firm boundaries and clearly communicate what behaviour is unacceptable, along with the consequences if it persists. Suggest counselling if he is willing to attend couple’s therapy with you, as this could provide a constructive platform for addressing your issues.

A trained counsellor can help identify underlying issues, teach effective problem-solving techniques, and offer tools for managing differences in a constructive way. Marriage counselling can also help couples reconnect emotionally, rebuild trust, and develop strategies to navigate life’s challenges together.

Engaging in counselling can foster mutual understanding, deepen intimacy, and lay a solid foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling partnership. If these measures fail, you will need to make a critical decision; whether to leave, focus on your healing, and move forward, or remain in the relationship while seeking therapy to cope with the consequences.


Reader advice

He does not love you

Friday Egbaidomeh. A man who truly loves you will never resort to violence. If you hurt him, he may get upset and shout, but he will not raise his hand against you. However, if a man is physically abusive before marriage, the pain and sorrow you

experience after marrying him will only escalate. It is best to recognize this and find a way to leave before it is too late.

Consider a break

Joseph Barasa. Maintaining a three-year relationship can be challenging. You have the strength to either walk away or follow your heart. People behave in various ways; some may not be confrontational, yet they can still be cheaters, liars, and hypocrites. A relationship is not a bed of roses, and you cannot expect everything to be perfect. Instead of quitting, consider taking a break; this might help him learn to respect you.


Talk to him


Stephen Dramani. Nobody is perfect. He told you to find someone who can never hurt you, but the truth is, you will never find such a person. Just try to talk to him when you are calm; he will change for the better.



Run for dear life

Marina Batwenda. Run for your life. Life is too precious, and you only live once. You deserve a better life, and there is a man out there who will treat you like a queen. A man who does not value a woman is worth nothing.

It is time to call it quits

Isaac Kizito. I question the mindset of men today who insist that a man is always right and beyond questioning. Dear friend, it is time to bid him farewell.


He is just a boyfriend

Tabitha Amulen. If he is just a boyfriend and already behaves that way, imagine what it might be like if he becomes your husband. A man like that may not be deserving of your love unless you are prepared for a relationship that feels like a battleground.


Learn to love yourself

Generous Nakie. Unless you want to spend your life in misery, consider this; why stay with someone who does not care about your emotions and feelings? What is it that you love about them? Please, have some self-esteem and learn to love yourself.


You must both decide

Dun Birekyeraho. Growth in a relationship often requires both

individuals to adapt and evolve together. If the dynamic continues to be unfulfilling despite your efforts, it might be time to reconsider whether staying in the relationship is truly the best option.

He is not a good partner

Mushabe Mukama. If he refuses to apologise, take his advice and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. A quarrelsome man is not a healthy choice for a partner.