My father keeps standing between me and my lovers

Thursday June 24 2021
By Kharono Lufafa

I am 32 years old now and been ready to get married since I was 25. However, every time I introduce a boyfriend to my father, he (dad) kind of makes it hard for us to keep together.  I grew up with my grandmother and have just started living with my father.  Whereas he has a wife who is not my mother, I do not interfere with his marriage and wonder why he interferes with my love relationships? I feel like leaving this country for another so I can find love elsewhere but again, he keeps failing me. What can I do? Anonymous

Dear  Anonymous,

This sounds frustrating especially when you have found someone you love and would like them to be accepted by your parents. This is a problem as old as time itself.

In most cases, parents tend to disagree with the choice of partner that their adult children choose.  It is a natural feeling to want your parents to love and accept the person you are in love with. Unfortunately due to the generation gap, this may not be always the case.

There are many influencers that will tend to come between this.  Culture, economic status, spiritual matters may play a role when it comes to parents accepting the mate of their adult children. When this happens you are torn between your fiancée and your parents.

As a daughter, you love and respect your parent but at the same time, you love and admire your partner. Well in this case you stated that your dad “interferes” possibly meaning he stands in between the relationships or intentionally disrupts you or you mean him not approving any relationship you get? Well, interference would mean that dad is overly protective and insecure about giving out his daughter’s hand in marriage. Having mentioned that you have only started living together means he too is trying to fill up the lost time but unfortunately at a much later time when you are now looking forward to settling down with the man of your dreams.


And you are right not to interfere in his relationship too since it is where he too feels complete.

Approach some elders  that your father respects such as the clan head,  older sister,  brother, or spiritual leader to speak to him on your behalf. Sometimes this softens the ground and maybe an eye-opener to your dad that you are now of age and are ready to get married.

If he is one that you can dialogue with, then you can ask for his opinion about his expectations of the kind of man he would like you to get married to then you can talk it out with him about the choice you have made.

Reassure him that you appreciate and honor his past but you are now becoming part of a global community that meets people from other walks of life.

Bridging the divide is as important too. If you and your partner to be are not clear about your commitment and the compromises you are willing to make to be together, the constant disapproval, whether stated or not can undermine your relationship. Some parents eventually accept their adult children’s choices and even give their blessing.

However, this takes work and willingness to go through all the pressures that come about with a disapproving parent. Then the no-go areas are meeting criticism with criticism. Remember your father’s traditions, values, feeling that he could have also inherited from your grandparents is what has shaped you.

His intentions are good but he might be limited on how to pass them on in a non-controlling manner.

Last but not least, do your best to negotiate, compromise, understand or at least disagree in a respectful manner balancing between your father and your partner to be.

Reader advice

Engage him peacefully

Given Victor De-story

What an elder sees when seated, a child cannot see even if he/she climbs the highest mountain. My sister leave to seniors what belong to seniors... Your dad is doing that for your own good so it is better if you’re ignorant... Engage him in a peaceful and humble discussion.

Ask him for his reasons

Nampa Patience Natie

Actually you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel bothered by his reactions. Let him give you genuine reasons as to why he is against it. Otherwise, next time start by cohabiting or even get to be pregnant may be the he will view it otherwise.

Face reality

Bukenya Mac JB

In life we all have personal journeys to take. Your sisters, brothers, parents even best friends at one point all leave and you are left with the love life. Sister you need to step up the game and face reality, you will need your own blood family.

Are you ready for marriage?

Jacob Kwesiga Gatasha

In the first place what makes you think you are ready for marriage? , Could it be age or dreamy independence? Its better we hear your dad’s side first before advice.

Leave his house

Kibukaa Hamuza

At the age of 32 you a still staying with father? That is he disrespects you. Pull yourself together get your own place he will not interfere again in your relationship again

Why is he interfering?

Muhwezi Akim

I respect parents so much but someone, especially, one I did not grow up is not allowed to interfere in my  business once I become an adult.