My husband does not want to have children

Thursday April 15 2021
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By Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa

It was love at first sight for my husband and I. During our brief courtship, my husband said he did not want to have children but since I was still young and concentrating on my career, I agreed. Now that we are married, I would really want to have children. Besides, I can now ably balance my personal and professional life. However, my husband’s views on children have not changed. He is so adamant about this that we no longer sleep in the same bed because he says I might manipulate him into being intimate without using protection. Is there any way I can convince him?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous?

This is a tricky situation for you and I want you to know that you are not alone. If you want children and your partner does not, it is like being in a hopeless situation where you are left with no option. Well in such a tricky situation, it would be better to explore all your options before you make a concrete decision. For starters, it will be good to analyse your reasons for having children, how deep is this feeling? And how do you feel just imagining not having them? In a way, this analysis will help you to ask yourself if you are willing to give up your relationship for children or if you can give up your dream of having children for a relationship.

The other number one option to consider is getting professional help. Taking time to explore all possibilities with an expert will help a couple make healthy decisions about the relationship. This is most helpful to do from the start. However, if you did not meet one then, it may be time to find a relationship counsellor to help you together with your husband. If the two varying options of having children and not having them are non-negotiable on both sides, you may not go very far but at least you will be in a safe place to explore the issue at hand.

Then you can decide what to do next after going through all the options. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband was completely honest with you from the start. He expressed his unwillingness to have children and he has not changed his mind. It is important to note that people change just as it is happening to you now. His decision during that time might not have been important to you before marriage but now it is, and so, asking you to still give up on having children is difficult as well.

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The option here is to speak to your husband in a non-confrontational way about the ability to create a new life that will be an everlasting part of your love. He may need to see what a baby means to you through your eyes. More so, it is good for you to understand his fears and hesitations and do what you can to help him resolve them.

Find out if he is scared of not being a good father, or if he has had any experience with children. He may also be worried about his age, among other things. You might discover that his biggest fears are solvable and only require some time and patience for him to adjust.

Therefore, as you explore all these factors, it is possible that along the way, you will get tired and resentful and of course this is harmful to the relationship. At the same time, remember that you may or may not be successful in winning him to your side. Try to find activities that will keep you busy during this waiting and with time, you will make an informed decision.

Reader advice

Explore his feelings

Joan Matovu. The first thing you should do is find out exactly what your partner’s actual objection to having children is and why they feel that way. Is it something that is reasonable or just an irrational fear? If it can be worked out by setting out short-term goals for savings or more space for when a baby arrives, then work towards achieving this. If it is more psychological, then perhaps professional help is in order.

Have a frank talk

Joseph Nsokwa. Sit down with him and talk to him as calmly as you can to see how you can work through your issues. Hopefully you will be able to resolve your problems together as you both love each other. Sadly, he might not be open to changing his mind but without an open, honest, and frank conversation where you share your desire for children, you will never know.

It should be mutual

Justine Woods. If your partner insists on not having children, then you need to ask the difficult question of whether you would want to stay in the relationship. If you both decide to stay together without having children, ensure you channel your energy in other ways so that you remain happy. It is important to find some other meaning in your life that brings you the happiness and joy that you had hoped a baby would bring.

How old is he?

Phoebe Miriam. It seems he already had children and does not want more responsibility. That is why marriage should never be rushed into. Sit him down and talk to him. In this case, you also need to decide whether you would want to stay in such a relationship and if not, leave and fulfil your dream before it is too late.

Get someone else

George Chandiga. Nowadays, couples just marry for fun. They feel like having children is a burden. My wife left me because I wanted more children and she did not want to have any more. So, my advice to you is, leave him alone and get someone who shares your desire.

At least he was honest

Oteky Aj Camboo. It does not matter what his reasons for not having children are. He was honest from the beginning. You can accept him or leave him instead of trying to convince him to do something that he does not want to do. Having a child is a choice and there is absolutely nothing wrong with those who choose not to have them.

You ignored the red flag

Fyne Gal Cissie. He was honest with you from the start. As women, we should learn to pay attention to red flags right from the beginning of our relationships. The moment he told you that he did not want to have children, you should have discussed it there and then and made a decision. Now it is harder because you are married. Always act before it is too late.

Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa,

Counseling Psychologist Sermo Therapy Consult 0750074412



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