I am a 29-year-old woman married to a traditional Ugandan man who believes some outdated clan customs still apply, especially to me. According to him, as his wife, I must never eat chicken, pork or eggs. But strangely, he eats them all the time with no problem. Whenever I ask why the rule applies only to me, he says, “That is how our ancestors lived. A woman must know her place.” I find this is deeply unfair and confusing. We live in a modern-day, yet I feel stuck in a 19th-century household. I am forced to eat what he approves, while he enjoys the very foods I am denied. I have started resenting both the rule and him. Is culture supposed to oppress? How do I get through to a man who thinks tradition means control?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and vulnerability. What you are experiencing is not just about food, it is about autonomy, respect, and the power dynamics within your marriage. The cultural expectations placed on you, while disguised as tradition, seem to serve one purpose; control. Let us begin by acknowledging your feelings. It is completely natural to feel confused, angry, and even resentful when faced with rules that seem unfair and one-sided. Culture should provide identity, community, and continuity, not oppression. When it becomes a tool to silence, control, or diminish one gender, then it ceases to be a healthy tradition and becomes a harmful practice. You are right to question these rules.
It is not disobedient or disrespectful to ask “why?” when a tradition disadvantages one party. The fact that your husband can eat chicken, pork, and eggs without issue, while forbidding you to do the same, reveals a deep gender imbalance masked as cultural heritage. Culture, by its nature, is not static; it is meant to evolve. The world we live in today is not the same one our ancestors lived in, and the roles and expectations of women must reflect that change. It is through questioning and dialogue that meaningful progress happens. Now, how do you get through to your husband, a man who believes that honouring tradition means enforcing outdated gender roles? Start by creating space for honest, calm conversations.
Choose a moment when he is relaxed and not defensive. Share your feelings, not as accusations, but as expressions of your experience. For example: “When I am not allowed to eat certain foods while you freely do, I feel controlled and hurt. I want to understand where this rule comes from, but I also want you to hear how it affects me.” This approach invites discussion rather than confrontation. It also shifts the focus from the “rule” to your emotional well-being, a language that even the most traditional person can understand if they care. Secondly, try to learn more about the roots of the tradition he refers to. Often, cultural rules were created in a context that no longer exists. Perhaps there were historical reasons behind dietary restrictions for women, reasons that may not apply today. When you gently raise these questions, it may help him realise that “the way our ancestors lived” was not infallible, and certainly not immune to scrutiny.
You might also seek support from someone he respects, an elder, a religious leader, or even a couple’s counsellor, who understands both culture and modern relationships. Sometimes, people need to hear the truth from outside voices to truly reflect on their beliefs. Above all, do not lose yourself in the process. Being a wife should never mean becoming invisible. You have the right to make choices about your body and your life. Traditions that uphold love, dignity, and mutual respect should be preserved. But those that breed inequality must be challenged. If you continue to feel silenced, controlled, and emotionally stifled, it may be time to reflect deeply on whether this relationship is nurturing you or diminishing you. Marriage should be a partnership, not a prison.
Traditions that uphold love, dignity, and mutual respect should be preserved. But those that breed inequality must be challenged
READER ADVICE
He is very selfish
Phoebe Miriam. Your husband’s behaviour is deeply unfair and self-centred. You deserve respect and partnership, not selfishness. If he refuses to change or consider your needs, you might need to consider whether this relationship is truly healthy or worth continuing. Your well-being matters the most.
You ignored the signs
Sarah K Frankie. Did you not date before getting married? Did you not discuss backgrounds, beliefs and roles in the home? Or was this an arranged marriage? Never allow love to blind you to the truth. I am sure you saw the signs but ignored them.
Run very far from him
Berna Tino. Run and never look back. Your husband is incredibly selfish, mean, and barbaric in his actions and only cares for himself, showing no empathy or kindness to others. His behaviour is hurtful, cold-hearted, and completely lacking in consideration or respect for those around him.
Have a discussion
Sarah Namutebi. I understand your pain. My advice is to calmly discuss with your husband how these rules hurt your relationship. Show him that traditions should build love, not control. Maybe involve a respected family elder to help explain that times have changed and equality is important.
Ask him to adapt
Moses Kizito. In our culture, respect is key, but it must be mutual. I suggest sharing your feelings openly with your husband, asking him kindly to reconsider these restrictions. Traditions are important, but they should adapt, especially when they harm your wife’s dignity.
Educate your husband
Esther Nakitende. Culture evolves as we grow. I once faced a similar challenge and found that patiently educating my husband about equality helped. Invite him to learn together about the positive changes modern marriages need. Compromise is possible when both sides listen.
Seek support
James Mugisha. Your husband’s attitude is outdated. You deserve respect and fairness. I encourage you to seek support from your community or a counsellor who understands both tradition and women’s rights. Sometimes, hearing from others can open his eyes.
Communication is key
Grace Achieng. Being forced to follow unfair rules is painful. Try gently asking why these foods are forbidden to you and not him. If he refuses to explain, stand firm in your right to equal treatment. A marriage should be a partnership. If he insists on his traditions, then leave and find a man who will value you.
