My husband hates all my friends

My husband and I have been married for three years. However, for all the time we have been married, he does not show any eagerness to meet my friends. In the past one year, most of our fights have been about this issue. He wants me to meet his friends but rejects any plans to meet mine. It has become awkward showing up alone every time I meet them and I am tired of lying. I have asked him what he has against them, but he says he does not gel with them and calls their husbands boring. How do I handle such a situation?  

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The differences between men and women usually determine how they relate. Women relate so intimately with their female friends that they share their deepest fears and worries whereas men share a few facts about their personal lives. Naturally, men usually take the lead and because they are older, they also take an upper hand in determining who the good and bad friends are.

It would be ideal for your friends to be his friends just like he is your friend. A few couples experience this balanced relationship. However, it is common that the man may dominate in most decisions of who to relate with. As for your husband’s case, try to find out in a cordial way why he is not comfortable meeting your friends. Bring up the topic at an appropriate time when you are not in a heated debate.

Your purpose should be to find out why he behaves in such away. This will give you an opportunity to consider if you should keep insisting that he meets your friends or give it time. Marriage survives better with compromise, it does no harm for you to keep meeting your friends in the interim as you get a solution for the current issue. Our attitude and response to matters in a family can end up influencing the other partner to either change to try and meet you in the middle or break the relationship off.

The value you attach to your marriage will lead you to make the right decision. Take time to understand this from your partner’s point of view and this will help you make an informed decision. Choose your battles wisely, I am sure that you can still keep your friends even when your husband, for now, refuses to meet them.

What is the worst that will happen to you if he does not meet your friends? Do a self-examination to see if you have no other stressors triggering this urge. Sometimes, men feel threatened by their partner’s friends and tend to generate a lot of negativity as a result. A man may feel exposed hanging around with his wife’s friends because he is aware that friends may know more about him than he may have wanted. 

This is because women relate more intimately with each other than men do. Men may go to watch football together but never to talk about their intimate lives. The assumption is that it could be insecurity about what they think their wives will divulge. You can also seek counselling if this is getting in the way of your relationship. Counselling will help you get personal tailored support.

Number one.

When you get married, your spouse becomes your best friend. This means that your relationships with your former best friends have to change. You cannot be as good a friend as you were before you got married.

Reader advice

What is important?

Derrick Matovu. It is important for you to evaluate why he may have a problem with your friends. What is most important to you? Not that either has more value than the other, but they do have value in different ways. You have made a lifetime commitment to your husband, what level of commitment do you have with your best friend in relation to your marriage? Of course they mean something to you and they are important in their right. But I think it would be fair and appropriate to ask yourself a few questions and you may be closer to finding the solution that suits your issue, respects your husband/marriage and keeps your friendship intact without sacrificing them both unfairly.

Talk to your husband

Joseph Okoth. I would suggest talking to your husband about said hatred. If it is for superficial reasons, maybe you could convince him to let go of those reasons. If he has valid reasons, it might be more difficult to address (it may not be something you can fix). Ultimately, it comes down to communication. If he hates your best friend for unessential reasons, and he will not let go of the hate, a re-evaluation of your marriage might be in order. If he has valid reasons, you might want to figure out why your best friend is your friend.

Respect his decision

Phoebe Miriam. Why should you fight your husband over something you can talk over and resolve? He must have a genuine reason for not wanting to meet with or mingle with your friends. Respect your husband’s decision and accept him the way he is after all he is the head of your family. He will come round without you having to twist his arm. For now, respect his decision and keep the peace in your home.

He is protecting you

Flavia Namasembe. Not all our friends are good enough for us. Some are so evil and our men can see what we cannot see. Maybe he is trying to protect you without even knowing it. As for me, I cannot even dare bring my friends closer to my husband.

He is avoiding temptation

Laura Roxie. Your husband is right. He is simply trying to avoid any temptations. As long as he does not stop you from hanging out with your friends, then I see no problem here.

Evaluate your relationship

Gk Wedi. I am going to guess that your husband is not sure about where he stands in the relationship. He might be jealous. You can talk to him about it. If he really does not like them, it is likely that he really does not like you and just likes the idea of you. Once he gets to know you, the relationship will end. This is not a bad thing, you want a bad relationship to end so you can move on to the good one.

Invite them over

Andrew Ceasar Ogwang. Tell him how proud you are of him and would really like him to meet your friends. Then invite your friends for dinner without his knowledge and see how the conversation progresses.

Evelyn C Kharono Lufafa

counselling psychologist, Sermo Therapy Consult 0750074412