My husband is a bad kisser

My husband and I dated for a year before we recently got married. During our courtship, we decided to stay sexually pure until the wedding night. However, I have now realised that my husband is such a bad kisser. The first time we kissed, he deposited a blob of saliva in my mouth and kept fidgeting to the point of almost biting my lips off. This put me off kissing him but I recently decided to try again with the same results. What can I do since I consider kissing an integral part of marriage? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

As a newly married couple, this sounds stressful on your part. Well, marriage is a journey full of learning and unlearning. Choosing to stay pure until marriage is not bad either. In most cases, before a couple starts living together, especially after the wedding day, there should have been teaching and coaching on either side of the girl and the boy.

There are also professional premarital counselling sessions in which a couple is exposed to different scenarios before they get married officially and these include intimacy in marriage. This is a safe haven for a couple to individually express their expectations with the support of a facilitator who in this case is a professional marriage counsellor, specialising in relationships.

Sometimes, if the counsellor has not been approached, the clergy will do so or a mature couple can be chosen to take the young couple through some realities that they may encounter as they bond.
From the above background, I am not sure if you and your husband received all the support that you needed before getting married. If you did not, it is not too late. 

What you are experiencing is normal for a new couple. The best way to solve this is through non-confrontational communication. Bring up the topic at the appropriate time and let your husband know what you prefer when you kiss each other. It is possible that he is not aware of your feelings and may not even be aware of the best way to kiss you.

If you are not yet comfortable discussing this with your husband, suggest a session with the person who took you through premarital counselling, or in case you completely missed out on this, together with your husband, meet a marriage counsellor who will provide you with a safe space to discuss your intimate life without any judgement. 

Generally speaking, this is a workable issue and if you discuss it in a free environment, you and your husband will be helped to do what pleases you both.

Evelyn is a counselling    psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Reader advice

Teach him
Nampa Patience Natie. If you both love watching movies, you could get some with kissing scenes, he might pick some lessons or novels that have such scenes. On the other hand, you might teach him through the way you initiate the kiss or kiss him back. It takes time but I am sure he will easily learn.

Initiate the kiss
John Max. When it comes to stating your needs, positive reinforcement can work best. It is completely okay to say, “I want you to kiss me like this,” and then show him how it is done. Do not give up, and be sure to reward his attempts. This will mean better kisses for you in the future.

How did you learn?
Simie Annah Favour Nyanjura. But who gave you the standard of kissing when you were keeping sexually pure? How do you even know good kissing?

Be kind
Andrew Kaggwa. If you truly love him, the best solution is to teach him. Most importantly, do not be hard on him or show frustration when telling him. Do it with love and he will slowly respond.
  
Communication is key
Nether Spencer Speranza. Not every person is good at everything. You too might be falling short in some areas but he is just not telling you. Communicating as a couple is very important here. Talk about your challenges and together come up with solutions that suit you both. 

Speak up
Betty Atim Anyira Gulu. Teach him with love how best you want to be kissed. Keeping quiet will just leave you frustrated and affect your marriage in the long run.

Get educational materials
Kahunde Abwooli K Hilda. Teach him. Use search engines and look for topics such as “how to kiss.” Ensure you find different videos and make it a lesson for each day during your free time. The amount of saliva deposited will definitely reduce as he grasps the idea of kissing. 

Tell him how you feel
Joseph Hiire. Please tell him how you feel about it and if he truly loves you, he will change.

Be in control
Agatha Mutesi. Be the kisser and him the receiver. It is very possible.  My own boyfriend was the same way and until today, he confesses how I taught him how to kiss. Be in control in areas where he has a weakness.