My husband never helps with chores

My husband and I have been married for close to six years and have three children. However, I feel like he is taking being the man of the house too literally. For example, he will not help out with anything. In most cases, we shop on our way home from work and when he parks the car, he gets out and walks away without even carrying one bag. On days I am home, I do all the work while also taking care of the baby and all he does is watch TV or take a nap. And then he wants his meals on time like lunch at exactly 1pm Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership? How do I tell him that sometimes I need his help? Joanita 

Counsellor

Dear Joanita,
This is a common experience for most families here in Africa and even in the Western world and I would like you to know you are not alone. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership that includes the business of running the household. This includes finance, home maintenance, childcare, cooking, and many more. Therefore, the ideal would be that chores are shared between the partners, especially if they are both working outside the home.  This also has a lot to do with the patrilineal culture where boys from childhood are treated in a way that makes them think certain domestic chores such as washing dishes, cooking, cleaning the house, and attending to children are done majorly by women. 

There are men who support their wives with house chores but this is also dependant on what he saw during childhood. If he was involved in all house chores whether there were girls or not, he will do the same in his own home. Depending on what describes your husband, use the techniques that suit him and allow for a discussion, not a heated debate. If he is not one who spontaneously helps out as you mentioned above, ask him to do so. 

By asking him, you will let him know that you need his support. However, if you keep it to yourself yet feel bad about it, this may lead to resentment and recurrent stress on your part. Through interaction with men, I got to learn that some of them think by being involved in house chores, the wife might take advantage of this and disrespect him since they are so protective of their male ego. 

Therefore, use appropriate language. Instead of raising a complaint, use the right communication skills and statements such as...I would like you to help out in the kitchen or with the children as I complete the laundry. For starters, go slow and do not expect big changes in a short time. Remember some of these behaviours have been learned from childhood and so, unlearning them will take time. It also requires understanding your spouse from his perspective, especially if you are already married for a couple of years like you mentioned above. 

Appreciate the few times he helps out since this will motivate him to continue doing the same. Work as a team. If he realises that this is part of the fun in marriage, especially if you work together, he will comfortably join in. Remember to respect your differences in the way you approach domestic chores. Your partner might promise to do a job but he has to finish watching a football match, be patient and let him do it at his own pace. 

If you get under pressure due to a messy house, then you might have to do it by yourself. Listen to your body. When you are tired, take a break, and only do what you are able to do. If you still fail to convince your partner to help out with work, agree about hiring a helper if your budget allows. This will enable you to reduce the load of work that you do such that you have a relaxed mind.
Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist 

Reader advice

No one is perfect
Dan Wejuli. Some people are naturally lazy, (or bossy) and your husband could fit in any of the two. Relationships thrive on the way you started the whole project. If at all you had time for courtship you should have realised the kind of man he is. But again, appreciate that no one is perfect. You may think he is bad because he does not help then land on another who does the work but cheats. Now, you may need to talk to him nicely since any unwelcome attack on him may cause conflict in your relationship. You could also talk to a close friend to kind of inspire him into supporting you. 

Why not get a maid?
Ivan Halera Rukundo. This is too small an issue to be an issue. In this day and age where you can hire a maid to help you, why not get one? It is not fair to over work yourself and then call other people lazy because they are not working like you. 
Raise your sons better
Best Hope Kabasiita. You cannot change the behaviour of a grown man. Even if you talk to him, that is how he was raised by his parents. Just get a helper. And please, raise your sons better. 
Talk to your husband
Nampa Patience Natie. Be open with him. Tell him how you feel, how you need his input at home and remember in all, communication is key for a marriage to thrive.

He has other tasks
Marjorie Nalunkuma Luwemba. So you want the man to provide, protect, build a home give you money, fulfill his responsibility towards the children, and on top of that help you around with chores? I feel like this is asking too much of him. If he has not stopped you from getting a maid, then get one.

Does he love you?
Ner Mu Tosi. I expect my husband to be understanding and considerate. How the hell do you expect lunch or any meal on time when I have a load of work to do alone and yet you can’t give a hand? I know if this man really loves his wife, then he would be ready and willing to help. No man wants to see his wife suffer.

Avoid criticism
Joyce Musoke. Do not criticise his work. My husband loves to cook, so he is now in charge of keeping the kitchen clean. Sure, sometimes I would like to give it a scrub-down when he does not clean it as well or as often as I might, but I try not to think about the kitchen anymore. It is about taking ownership, which sometimes means giving it up.

Let him know 
In most cases, men think as long as they provide and take care of the other responsibilities, then house chores and running a home falls to the woman. It is up to you to talk to him.  Tell him that you would appreciate his assistance and together, come up with a solution.